What makes me sick

[lostinlove]

I guess i'm just venting:

When I hear the things on the news it causes my lungs to constrict,
My mind swims, the blood flow restricts.
take deep breaths, I open my mouth,
Try to remember the place I call my home town, down in the dirty south.
The water starts to freeze as the winter leaves, people start the lies
Soon the snow falls and kills everything, I watch as this world slowly dies.
Last I checked, Its spring and almost summer.
This world is growing colder by the hour, such a bummer
Look at the tv and see what’s going on kids in the streets?
strangers attracting kids by handing out treats
Making a five year old become a man and take 3 siblings as if he’s the dad,
Dads reaching a last resort making their daughter sell her soul, instead of going to Baghdad
No one does a damn thing just turn their back,
Kill anyone who stands between them and their stack.
The suns up but the temp reads below 20.
Teens digging deep into their veins just for pleasure, with rusty razor blades
Makes me wanna rage put me under a light, I wanna be up on a stage.
Kids being bullied to the point of dropping out of school,
Those bullying them thinking they’re cool.
My lungs are just barely workin.
Seeing holy men with 10year olds make me wanna take their eyes out with a fork
What the hell is going on?
Am I the only one who see’s this?
Am I the only one on my knees gasping for air?
My body shaking,
Now numb due to cold.
The sun’s up and shinning but the temp reads 10 and my body grows lifeless.
Feeds:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...925/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...894/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=8034550

[Solidus]

Im feelin both an 'obvious emotional wave' from this piece in general, as well as an 'underlinin emotional spike' in the pauses. Basically what I mean by that, is you've got several thoughts goin here vented into a single session. Not neccessarily a bad thing, Folk. Inspiration isn't limited to where it can stem from. I applaud your release.

When I hear the things on the news it causes my lungs to constrict,
My mind swims, the blood flow restricts.

As far as what I call 'Spark Success'[Which is basically a catchy opener], you definitely could've done better. But the general idea of bringin up a social/political standpoint does make it obvious of what emotion is bein zoomed in on durin this work. Decent, but not great.

Making a five year old become a man and take 3 siblings as if he’s the dad,
Dads reaching a last resort making their daughter sell her soul, instead of going to Baghdad

Definitely a concept that many families can associate with. You've established a link with pain-ridden readers here. Bit of stretched-out structure to it, but the point was delivered. Again...Decent, not great.

Teens digging deep into their veins just for pleasure, with rusty razor blades
Makes me wanna rage put me under a light, I wanna be up on a stage.

I felt a multi startin in there, but the direction was thrown off towards the end of it. Guess I didnt understand what you meant by you wanna be on stage for that situation.

Overall, I would grade a 6/10. Then again, Im a new-booty. My opinion doesnt hold much weight. Just tossin my pennies in the jar, feel me? Good work, Folk. Keep the creative flow movin.

[N.F.M.]

Pretty good babe. Without a doubt, this is your best peice yet.

I like the way it starts out:

When I hear the things on the news it causes my lungs to constrict,
My mind swims, the blood flow restricts.

Keep on writin what you feel, girl, express yourself. Dont ever let anybody hold you down. ^_^

[Jukon]

Aight, again you got the emotion here. And the structure is kind of fucked, your syllables are all out of wack. now I normally could give 2 shits about syllable count but it's obvious here, so work on making your line lengths closer to the same length, feel me? some nice imagery here n there, but the emotion was what stuck out the most. so keep writing with the intensity that you have and grow in other areas.

[lostinlove]

I'll keep all this in mind for my next one. ^_^

[Cap4]

i see it too.whats yur meaning pretty good.the flow not so pretty good.an i tryit for myself sometimes it works-sometimes not,tu bring the end of the lines tu a line,yu feel me?but anyway this one was thight
"When I hear the things on the news it causes my lungs to constrict"all this thing tu hold us down.it take my breath away when yu really tu think about that.sometimes im only listen an regestriet it ath make sick
"Look at the tv and see what’s going on kids in the streets?
strangers attracting kids by handing out treats"last hitler got the radio.now they have the tv for the brainwash
"Kids being bullied to the point of dropping out of school,
Those bullying them thinking they’re cool."its the only thing they see-be hard give a fuck,....what we exept?

[The Dead]

You should really check out my video's..you're eager that counts for something. But I'm really better than you. I just uploaded myself spitting my rhymes. I got it on lock girl...be easy.

Check out LindGar on Youtube. Be amazed.

Go Breaking Benjamin! I will not bow, I will not break. I will shut the world away!