Sir Dwellalot

[ZipperOnTrousers]

Hey guys - this is the first rap I ever wrote. I posted up Paranoid (2nd rap) first cos I thought this was kinda shitty compared to it - but since it got very positive feedback I thought I'd post up my first effort. Its basically about how I have a tendancy to overthink things - to stay up all night and dwell ons hit when I should just be more carefree. Anyway, feedback welcome as ever!

Sir Dwellalot

Whereas, some would sit and just drink
I sit and I think
Im thinkin
And Im clickin on links
Tryin to piece it together.
Why the fuck can't I blink?
Or just catch a few winks?
I cant even remember.

Listen, i feel like I'm goin through a hell of a lot
Cos I sit here and I try not to dwell a lot.
Im like king arthur, fucking things up in camelot
Except instead of Mordred I battle my thoughts

I am the stone
From which he pulled the sword
I'll cut off your dome
Thoughts leavin you floored
That was a threat. Although its idle, my word
Is to out-rap competitors, any you've heard.

I am Sir Dwellalot
I like to think a lot
Stay up all night and
Construct the ideas I caught
They burst in, then they just leave like they S.W.A.T.
its my job,
to decide,
whether they're worthy or not.

[ZipperOnTrousers]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...1&postcount=15
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...19&postcount=2
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...23&postcount=4

[.Anonymous]

First off, I really like how you threw in similes and metaphors. I think similes/metaphors add a lot of imagery to music and I wish rappers in the media would do it more.

Im like king arthur, fucking things up in camelot

^^^ This was the simile that I liked the most. But the S.W.A.T. one was good too.

The way you structured your piece visually kind of confused me, but I caught the flow anyway. Maybe you could try to structure it like most of the people on the site. Not a necessity, just a suggestion.

Whereas, some would sit and just drink
I sit and I think
Im thinkin
And Im clickin on links
Tryin to piece it together.
Why the fuck can't I blink?
Or just catch a few winks?
I cant even remember.

^^^ I think your flow was strongest during this part. This is also my favorite part of the piece.

Although its idle, my word
Is to out-rap competitors, any you've heard.

^^^ I didn't understand this line. What did you mean by "my word is to out-rap competitors?"

Overall, I liked it. You had a good concept. Try not to dwell on shit though! It'll kill you inside. Haha. Keep up the good work.

[Kid Craze]

This was good for a first rap, the flow was pretty rough in some areas, i couldn't really rap this out loud, not that it matters for a text forum, but still. I liked how you put in a lot of metaphors and similies, though some were a lil awkward for this piece. Some of the rhymes in here were a lil forced, but everything did rhyme which helps. Your structure is awkwardish as well, i'd try and focus on syllables to fix it up a lil bit. some lines didn't fit the concept too much, like the rap competitors one.. for a first rap it's okay, but nothing amazing.

[ItoldUIwasFat]

yo just returning the favor...

this started off in a reall good place you painted a picture of a man sitting in front of a screen searching.. searching himself what ever but searching for something and having this over whelming feeling of anxiety...atleast that wat i got from that...

the second set of lines switches up the flow of the piece to a more slower pace..you had good metas and i liked the mordred line i thought it ended it the set very well. Then you kinda went lef feild with the sturcture and feel to the story...at first and through the middle of the piece it felt some what narrative then the last couple lines felt like you where boasting instead of telling a story

overall i liked the subject and you def did you thing but i feel you could done a lil more wordplay and vocab..thats all dope drop man hope to see more