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Rules can be found here
Good Luck
Here we go again... G/L buddy
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Scytsophrenia
On that next level.. but STILL fuckin' crazy.
[soundclick]7321513[/soundclick]
ohhh ur scientific... hah...
yeah... cept this is actually something...
check.
READ MORE
~ We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance. ~
Benjamin Disraeli
Not but a gust in the air, smiles from the gods biddin’ welcome
Yet nobody cared, inundated by rhythms of a morbid-drum.
No sweaty palms; the electronic age is here, no mirage
Candy skies as sweet as tonic minus the casual entourage,
Encased his brittle world; Pregnant with unusual euphoria
And unfazed by a subtle fantasy, indigent, a child-of insomnia
Who’d been told heaven’s a fallacy, perception of men’s fears.
He’s faith folded, that wasn’t the intention as skies shed tears.
Blind sited and confused by haze with busted fog lights for vision
Life seemed worthless; he’d spend days he didn’t have making provision.
Never giving up, creating his own world, another getaways address
Linked to innocence; a bold move, eyes to his soul – I was impressed.
Truth be told; ignorance is bliss, blurring the penultimate goal with malice
He saw no need to please; if heaven’s a myth then the net was his chalice.
Dead space where data manifested and corrupts capacity - malicious files
Microchip embedded in worm infested hard disks where his thoughts don’t fly.
My hearts cries as this generation tics like a walking time boom, expanding
Between inter relations; we’re trapped dodgers waiting for the big bang.
Media plants its toxic fangs; our main source of resource is propaganda
World’s infected by fantasy, only a click away so I just smoke proper-ganja.
Terrible beauty
Media screaming agony
Our life’s fantasy.
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Scytsophrenia
On that next level.. but STILL fuckin' crazy.
[soundclick]7321513[/soundclick]
http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs43/f/20...0d7c9a1d0b.jpg
2040
post apolitical diary
she left me with diabetic apology,
she knew i was failing psychologically
she left a half burnt letter on the floor
as if she didn't think i should read what was in store,
then changed her mind a second time
i knew they had departed
but unfolded the contents regardless
tears had made the paper wavy and tarnished
"you think i would raise our child among the music of bombs
you chose this billy, your wrong
the underground is the only choice
so together we are gone...
I lo..."
choice burnt out words,
well i know now they are low
lower than humans should wander, broke
broken souls, wavering after the chaos
here i stand stronger than ever it paid off
breathing through oxygen mask daily singing my song
my only companion the sounds of a dying war
doesn't even matter anymore who wields the sword
nuclear minds driven mad, sides got blurred to the core
till it was mayhem and destruction at every turn
I faithfully served
Till the US of A was nothing but another plagued notion
now I'm the same hostess of a tower left for rubble
I sit in this chair scribbling words for cover
it hurts to love her,
but shes gone so whatever
I cant crawl into the void
I'll stay here till i wither
past life was comfort
now's the time for endurance
this world is going to tear me apart
just like we have been to it since the start
"his eyes wander to the window"
a tree begins to grow from the broken rubble god save him
at least mother nature survived this mayhem
but we as humans are forsaken
none to blame, but the demons of vacant minds
its about that time, sleep takes me despite a sun rise
evolution is a bitch, cockroach humans was the design.
READ MORE
Scientific
Not but a gust in the air, smiles from the gods biddin' welcome
Yet nobody cared, inundated by rhythms of a morbid-drum.
No sweaty palms; the electronic age is here, no mirage
Candy skies as sweet as tonic minus the casual entourage,
Encased his brittle world; Pregnant with unusual euphoria
And unfazed by a subtle fantasy, indigent, a child-of insomnia
Who’d been told heaven’s a fallacy, perception of men’s fears.
He’s faith folded, that wasn’t the intention as skies shed tears.
Wording is good so far couple of good similies flow was ok content seems to be well thought I'll continue
Blind sited and confused by haze with busted fog lights for vision
Life seemed worthless; he’d spend days he didn’t have making provision.
Never giving up, creating his own world, another getaways address
Linked to innocence; a bold move, eyes to his soul – I was impressed.
Truth be told; ignorance is bliss, blurring the penultimate goal with malice
He saw no need to please; if heaven’s a myth then the net was his chalice.
Dead space where data manifested and corrupts capacity - malicious files
Microchip embedded in worm infested hard disks where his thoughts don’t fly.
flow seems to have fell off a bit without the multis and inners you used in the first part wording is still on point another good couple of similies this well thought out but I feel you sacrificed flow for content
My hearts cries as this generation tics like a walking time boom, expanding
Between inter relations; we’re trapped dodgers waiting for the big bang.
Media plants its toxic fangs; our main source of resource is propaganda
World’s infected by fantasy, only a click away so I just smoke proper-ganja.
Terrible beauty
Media screaming agony
Our life’s fantasy.
Wasn't fedling the end the beginning two lines didn't rhyme really "media plants its toxic fangs" was good word choices as I said wasn't feeling the ending seemed to have been rushed to finish idk
Overall
Your piece had good imagery and in places the wording stood out as great the flow on the other hand got progressively worse as rhymes got basic and lacked inners and multis which you need for lines of this length but the content was solid its just you need to have both flow and content it was an interesting take on the phrase chosen so solid drop
Twixn
2040
post apolitical diary
she left me with diabetic apology,
she knew i was failing psychologically
she left a half burnt letter on the floor
as if she didn't think i should read what was in store,
then changed her mind a second time
i knew they had departed
but unfolded the contents regardless
tears had made the paper wavy and tarnished
Ok story is building nothing really stands out the flows are ok mechanics are basic but the imagery is unfolding nicely
"you think i would raise our child among the music of bombs
you chose this billy, your wrong
the underground is the only choice
so together we are gone...
I lo..."
choice burnt out words,
well i know now they are low
lower than humans should wander, broke
broken souls, wavering after the chaos
here i stand stronger than ever it paid off
The reading of the note was a nice touch creative still the imagery is strong making me want to continue to unfold the story
breathing through oxygen mask daily singing my song
my only companion the sounds of a dying war
doesn't even matter anymore who wields the sword
nuclear minds driven mad, sides got blurred to the core
till it was mayhem and destruction at every turn
I faithfully served
Till the US of A was nothing but another plagued notion
now I'm the same hostess of a tower left for rubble
I sit in this chair scribbling words for cover
it hurts to love her,
The imagery continue seems you have chosen not to rhyme too it hurt the flow imo the story is progressing well so i'll continue
but shes gone so whatever
I cant crawl into the void
I'll stay here till i wither
past life was comfort
now's the time for endurance
this world is going to tear me apart
just like we have been to it since the start
"his eyes wander to the window"
a tree begins to grow from the broken rubble god save him
at least mother nature survived this mayhem
but we as humans are forsaken
none to blame, but the demons of vacant minds
its about that time, sleep takes me despite a sun rise
evolution is a bitch, cockroach humans was the design.
The story had a nice twist the mechanics stayed basic imagery and story telling shined through
Overall
You chose a overdone topic but you brought a creative edge to it the story progressed well and the twist was unexpected was very creative through out you had really basic mechanics it hurts you a bit imo but other than that its solid
Overall Battle
This was really close both took the same approach sacrificing mechanics for imagery and content twinx had shorter lines which helped his flow along better as soon as Sci dropped the multis and inners the flow was stretched at best but I think the deciding factor boils down to creativeness in the verses which was pretty tight but twixn edges it for the progressive story with a twist but I feel this could be close through out so good battle I feel you should use more complex mechanics in the future on both parts it will take this type of piece to the next level
My Vote
Twixn
Creational Damage
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Soul: Conceptually, i was digging this piece. I appreciated your interpretation of the quote that you chose. I liked the whole "analog dude in a digital world" premise........and I really dug the way you painted organic images alongside electronic images. The media being thrown into the concept seemed a bit of an after thought....I would have enjoyed it more had there been more direct references to it in the beginning...
Your rhyme schemes were tough, and not in the good way. I know that you tend to focus on poetic expression more so than rhyme schemes....and I'm cool with that....but there must be a balance. Your vocabulary is expansive, and I love that you use concise language, however: If you're going to insist on heady vocabulary and long lines, please employ more inner rhyme schemes. This piece didn't have a strong cadence at all...and your slant rhymes weren't effective to me. Perhaps we have different pronunciations?
All in all, I felt like your content was nice......but your lack of attention to rhyme schemes almost negated the effectiveness of what you were trying to convey.
Twix'n: Conceptaully...this piece was familiar. Seems that post apocalyptic themes are en vogue these days. I found the emotion in your piece to be very masculine....in the sense that it was clear that the character was sad about his love's decision to go underground for survival and abandon him....but he also seemed to shrug it off as a survival mechanism as well. The duality was subtle but brilliant. Very organic. Though I didn't love the concept....I thought that you executed it very effectively.
Your rhyme schemes were solid...but your wording was a bit awkward a few times and your language was simple compared to Soul's. However, the simple word choices didn't affect the message negatively, so that's cool. The imagery was also a bit simple, but very effective.
I didn't really love either verse. Having said that, my vote goes to Twix'n simply because he executed his intention much more effectively. There was a cohesiveness to his topic that Soul's lacked...and Twix'n had a rhyme scheme that lent itself to a VERSE more so than Soul's. I love poetry...and poetic expressions...but it's gotta rhyme and have a strong, well defined cadence...Soul would be UNSTOPPABLE if he could get the rhyming down.
[YOUTUBE]2oVgq-QrwRM[/YOUTUBE]
scientific - really blurring the line of perfect word choice and pretentious bombast. some words i was impressed with, others i was like nahhh haha.. also, using an expansive lexicon should lead to real complex rhyme schemes.. i did not see that here, and i think thats the first thing you should work on to take your game t othe next level.. i believe ms fresh said somethign similar. i also thought the concepts within the verse sort of lacked an interconnectedness and fell under too wide an umbrella. oh ALSO blah@ the font. lmao.. cool piece tho
twix - good story. you didnt try and outdo yourself with a thesaurus like sci did (in only a few places, admittedly), you kept it simple, easy, and it matches with the way you write.. altho i do wish there was a little bit more complexity by way of words in the piece.. the concept and story were both executed well, but your meter/rhyme schemes were a bit bumpy/simple (respectively). cool verse nonetheless.
v - (i feel like im taking the words stright from ms freshs vote) but twixn.. for the cohesiveness and not outdoing himself in certain aspects of his verse.. close battle tho actually.. sci is just scratching the ceiling of a big jump in elevation
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Scientific-Your piece was okay, I think you were trying to write with too many "big words", lol, and it just couldn't be read smoothly and it kinda of chopped up the flow a little. Some of the words went well with the line but some other vocab just didn't fit well for me. Not too many multies and the rhyme scheme was off a little bit for me, okay read.
Twixn-I enjoyed reading your piece a bit more, it was simple, yet satisfying. Vocab was okay, a little simple, but not bad, flow was on, the story was cool. Not too much to say about it but cool piece.
V/Twix
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
interesting... vague vs specific
soul- hey bud! you know its funny...I didn't have a problem with your wording at all, I thought it was alright, tho granted, rhyme complexity could be upped. The problem I saw was that your verse was VERY vague, little action, little imagery, it was mostly words, no paint, know what I mean?
twix- good imagery and story, but your flow is messed in several places, and you've got a few issues with rhyming. I do like how your story is more focused, its easier to follow along, and I liked what you did with the topic.
vote- twix, but only for the story.
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"Are you playing with yourself?" "Who said I'm playing, I'm being serious!"
read this earlier.. forgot to vote...
both of you did pretty dope. Scientific had notable improvements from his last match to this one imo.. seems like he tried much harder on accomplishing a rhymescheme while maintaining the balance of good wording and a original idea. The idea was average in this case... but I did enjoy your wording and your flow seemed tighter this time around. The style reminded me of Konquerer in a way... getting better for sure.
Twix did his thing, too.. again, not the most amazing concept in the world but it was still executed well. Ended up being slightly more entertained by Twix's writing here.. more clear/crisp wording. As I said though.. Sci did well this round.
vote Twixn
6-0.. Twixn wins.
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