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Thread: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

  1. #1
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    + Critical Condition +



    I'ma doctrate for personal use, totally legal; or not.



    'Healthy yearly wage', but unhealthy with a 'tossable profit';
    'Inject money', my 'face gray like junk', 'cryin' a horrible faucet'
    Emergency o'd, but i'ma 'more feine', a 'needle in the hospital closet'.

    I;
    Administer health, 'knowledgeable on drug's', 'bringin' the wealth';
    Tanoy:"DOCTOR TO WARD 6, EMERGENCY!'.....i'm hidden in stealth
    That patient died..but I was livin' in hell, in a toilet bein' my sinister self.

    Drug's;
    are 'sex, may i hit this'? a 'virgin to saviour', but 'let's say i sin wit';
    'Head, brains have been fixed'? cos even tho a 'check pays to skin lift'
    My 'job feel's empty',.. cos my 'hobby's' the only thing wit an 'x ray up in it'.*

    pause;
    lemme prescribe myself. *scribbles messily, twitchin' veins bulge



    Like my 'plastic surgery', i'm fulla 'harmin' pricks', like 'starvin' kids';
    my 'stomach' can't 'harvest this';......'burglin' dope' of an 'alarmin' fix'
    'Sow what u reap', so 'wit work', my 'arms an itch' the way i'ma 'farm a cyst'.*

    After;
    'slash victims', I go to a 'location for free stabs', my 'basement of free stash';
    Then to 'embracin' TB jab's, as my 'wounds get hungry', 'patient to bleed, scab'
    SHIT! this high! I love my work, never take me away;.. every 'vacation is rehab'.

    Flashback;
    It started back in school, the hash was cool so I 'started lessons after school';
    At 1st i was 'lackin' fuel', but after 'sparkin', heatin'' I bent those bastards rules
    Graduated wit herbal 'smoked', so in my 'path, all tha jays' they was 'faster tooled'.

    Then;
    Got a job, & started sniffin' the 'janitors degreaser shit', my 'degree got spliffed';
    Gave the degree's a lift, planned while givin'' blood pressures', wit my 'knee's in fits'
    Not knowin' it was 'three times his', 'fixin' joints till my break' wer i would 'reblaze hits'.



    Tannoy Interupt's His Thought:


    DOCTOR TO WARD 6, EMERGENCY!
    Shit, I can't believe 'somethin' this beautiful';
    'broke my heart', 'fuckin' my juicer pull', stopped pumpin', my tubes are full
    'Cardiac arrest', a 'guilty death';
    my time's up, damn u stupid fool;
    U forget 'illnesses spread'.....
    .............& then, 'i stop breathin';.. while my docs stuck in the cubicle...






    *X ray up in it = The hobby is X-rated. Job empty = no x rays
    *Morphine
    *Pharmacist
    *Pathology

    Need any expo's on the w/p. Lemme know.



    SPOILER:
    He uses a TB needle. & get's high with it. (DANGEROUS)
    Cos'a the cross contamination, he OD's
    His life flash's before his eye's (hence the flashbacks)
    The tannoy bring's him to reality, with a little twist at the end





    Last edited by Governor; February 20th, 2009 at 08:25 AM

  2. #2
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    Will rtf asap if you drop them links.


    Links;
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...al-389914.html

  3. #3
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical


  4. #4
    Rosetti il Genio Rosetti Frost's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    this was nice......

    imagery was pretty sick........

    flowed aight........

    vocab was used at the right times.......

    I kinda felt like I was in a hospital after I read this...........

    nice shit stay up

    rtf
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ab-390347.html
    [YOUTUBE]QS8lbfHUI3Q[/YOUTUBE]

  5. #5
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    ......................?

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Orijin's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    lol...this was dope....smooth flow and awesome imagery....almost sound a little too intellegent for me at times like a damn doctor was talkin to me and i just nod my head "yes" when i have no idea what the fuck he's talkin about...lmao...this was a fun piece for me personally to read...only thing i didn't like was the red font....but thats no biggy here....

    illy.
    ..iCONSTRUCT..
    ..Ecliptik aka. Orijin..

  7. #7
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    Appreciate you takin' the time to drop some feed. Thanks

  8. #8
    The Zen Master.
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    I liked how this was set up and the structure of the overall peice. I liked your approach on the topic and the content was pretty ill as well. At some points you were a bit choppy but wasnt bad rhyme wise. On such a complex topic i would have have like to see more inner rhymes to aviod of of the choppiness but this was nice nonetheless. Also if it wasnt for the font this would look extremely stretched that added to the choppyness at point also.

  9. #9

    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    word...this was kinda dope... it was choppy; the flow... and it was missing some inners (at the start atleast, but picked up after bout halfway), but still, this was lyricly tight...and flowed good enough, but you should work on that, plus in termz of syll. count... not sure, but i think its on point, but its still seeming stretched...

    dope topic, execution on that bitch was pretty dope too,... yo ucould tone down the complexity...but its still a good job as it is...

    and agreed, most standout thing to me was the imagery, vocab... pretty dope shit right here...but fuck you with gay ass structure and presentation!!! lol... stay up #1
    iBeast

  10. #10
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    Uppity

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    this was good liked the multis and metaphors and the word play, i just didn't like the structure the flow was good tho, and the little exerpts at the end really explained it all, and the story was intresting, anyways you need to work on your similes.....

    rtf,http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6884182

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    The Phenom

  12. #12
    .i'On. Governor's Avatar
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    Re: Critical Condition; Swad Topical

    I use metaphors, I enjoy complexity over simplicity. So blow me. (lol @ sayin' meta's wer good but work on ur similies ........................)

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