Mad Men: The Superheroes

[Spaz Incendio]

second, switched it up drastically from the last verse, i expected somethin different from this collab but this was ill too, i feel you might have sacrificed content for the sake of multi's though.. but overall i liked the verse, good message

wow...spot on...I did.

[fazeT]

everyone did they're thing
stay up
site needs more vets

[Westcoast]

This was a pretty dope piece and used creativity and followed up on point for all of you.

RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...os-388788.html

[Phazed*]

Uppin for some more feed, thanks to all

[Topic]

verse 1
so many multis! really good flow and decent content. As the guy said above i think this verse could have limited the multis in some places for imagry or ellaboration on the previous lines. But it really was a good verse. Good details and interesting concept with the ending. I think this verse would be better as a whole peice in its self with a bit more length and details.
verse 2
I went and read the first episode and it seems like this concept is used in numerous movies nowadays. its a good concept and interesting just not as original as it once was. Thats not really a bad thing though. the verse seemed simple. simple is fine if its not overbearing to make the story simple. I think there are alot of times in this verse that it does, however. Its entertaining and follows well with episode 1 I just think more elaboration on the transition from good guy to bad guy should be elaborated on. Reminded me of the story the new batman movies are using and the comic book spiderman story hell even the superman story...are they good or are they bad? You know what im talking about I hope. Decent verse but not as strong as the previous verse.
verse 3
I think this was the strongest verse. Characterized the man well. good descriptions used. flowed well. good rhyme scheme. I think one of the things that would improve this verse would be that more emphasis on one characteristic here and there should be taken. I think it would add to what you really want this guy to be portrayed as rather than just skipping across him. Good verse. I think this one was the strongest.
Verse 4
I think this was the weakest. Not a bad verse but I think the word usage could have been more carefully chosen. The first two lines I thought could have been reworded because I dont see daunting and fighting to rhyme as well. I dont know what type of accent you have though so you could be right. Otherwise it wasnt bad. some spot were all over the place and didnt make as much sense as others but i think you portrayed this woman nicely to the reader.

If I could have some feedback on mine called "a pack of cigarettes" that would be great.

[Soul.]

Verse 4
I think this was the weakest. Not a bad verse but I think the word usage could have been more carefully chosen. The first two lines I thought could have been reworded because I dont see daunting and fighting to rhyme as well. I dont know what type of accent you have though so you could be right. Otherwise it wasnt bad. some spot were all over the place and didnt make as much sense as others but i think you portrayed this woman nicely to the reader.

Can you say, continued double entendre' that was ridiculously hard to write?

Can you say, Inners.

Jesus H lucifer my verse was not the weakest.

[therealsmoke]

Can you say, continued double entendre' that was ridiculously hard to write?

Can you say, Inners.

Jesus H lucifer my verse was not the weakest.

then whose was?

it doesn't matter if it was hard to write, a weak verse is a weak verse

[Topic]

it was the word usage. I see that you are from the UK and clearly have a different way of pronouncing words...but I dont think you can say because you used a hard way to write it should make your verse stronger in my eyes. I really dont give two shits about how hard it was to write I care about the fact that it was sloppy. words felt like they were out of place and my opinion (and im not saying I am right because its only my opinion) on taking words ending in ing and removing the g for the sake of rhyming is a weak way of saying "i couldnt come up with anything else". I dont see alot of your lines making complete sense...for example I feel you used the word titans to rhyme rather than using it as a discription. I know your thinking doesnt it do both? But I dont see it as appropriate with anything else in either of the lines. Your verse is weak because of content. Your verse is not strong because you used double entendre and inners, its impressive for you as a writer to take that into consideration. But I would rather read a verse that rhymes maybe once or twice in a line with emotion and detail and personification...similies...something to make me think...something to make me see what this superhero really is. Just take critique for what it is...and im sorry you disagree and i am sorry that you felt you had to defend your verse.

[Soul.]

Im sorry if i sacrificed some relatively minor technical issues in order to make a statement.

Superhero's are essentially the modern epitome of pure. They live to serve, and thwart evil. Also, the colour white is considered to represent purity and peace. However, in modern times, all the most dangerous drugs are white. In the piece i make reference to alot of these (Morphene, Crack Cocaine, Cocaine, speed, "ice" and heroin (shes a heroine)) I liked using the superhero as a vehicle for this metaphor just because it links the modern day epitome of pure with the modern day fundemental evils by using the same colour, whichs connotations have changed unnoticed through the ages.

What pisses me off more than anything is the amount of effort everyone put inot deepening their pieces only for the communtiy to go, "ya wording was bad, flow was on point, 7/10 RTF on my new piece "generic piece of shit""

You can all suck my balls dry.

[Topic]

why dont you stop complaining and defending yourself and just accept that someone critiqued your verse honestly. Someone took their time to try to help you improve. someone wrote nearly two posts that was nearly as long as all four of your verses. Next time ill remember that...what you want to here that is. Im not going to edit my posts because ill just go ahead and fix my critique in this post....

Verse 4 was hot!!!! on fire. keep it up man. You right on point with multis and shit. 10/10...by the way loved the double entendres and inners. really stood out...

now that is honesty...
and when the fuck did I give you a 2 line critique? When did I even give you a fucking score? This isnt diving. And I didnt just say your wording was bad I gave you examples where I though it could have been better.

You know what really pisses me off? The fact that I cant try to help someone by telling them what I thought they could have done dif. so the next time they think about it and take it into consideration and they respond with lick my balls dry. Sweet man. Keep up the good work...your verse was still weakest in my eyes.

[therealsmoke]

lmao what a faggot

if i didnt get your metaphor then you need to word it better and make it more evident

that shit was all over the fuckin place

and the basis of your metaphor was terrible, the only drugs you listed that are actually consistently white are coke and crack rocks.. lmfao don't get pissed, i said the verse was decent and you're still cryin like a bitch

wack rapper

oh, and another thing

FUCK, YOOOOUUUU!!

i took time out of my day to read that horribly written verse, and took even MORE time out of my day to tell you what i honestly thought about it, and mentioned some specific things that you would hopefully take into account and maybe use to build on your skills as a writer

but no

you got butt-hurt because you weren't able to get your message across to the people reading your verse, and you're pissed because nobody agrees with your idea of "if it was hard to write, it's good"

throw that double entendre shit in the trash cause it aint workin for ya

you wack rapper you

[country]

lmao AND just for the record

most crack is hard off white or hard yellow

lmfao jus figured id put that in


but only like 1 or 2 drugs mentioned is actually white

[Soul.]

im out of this site, youre all batshit retarded, how can i be held responsible if you're too stupid/lazy/stupid & lazy get the piece.

[Topic]

are you kidding me soul? because we didnt think your verse was as good as you thought it was you say we are "stupid/lazy/stupid & lazy" . Maybe I would take you serious if you wouldnt have been lazy and stupid enough to put stupid and lazy there twice. And the sad part was I was asked to respond to this by another person in it and I did. And when I ask the other people in this peice to check mine out he says it pisses him off. You are too good for this site.

And I would want to see what your friends have to say about it...about how you react to negative feedback...and how they feel about your verse...so if either of you 3 see this and have feedback critique eachother. If you want a good crew collab then you should be honest with eachother and tell eachother what you think needs to be changed.

[therealsmoke]

im out of this site, youre all batshit retarded, how can i be held responsible if you're too stupid/lazy/stupid & lazy get the piece.

i wanna slap the wackness outta you

i'm a better rapper than you, check my shit if you want proof, i'm also a better writer than you, i have a better grasp on the english language than you, i'm more familiar with literature than you

i'm better than you

your verse was poorly executed as far as your terrible metaphor is concerned

oh and you haven't defended yourself on that topic yet, about how just about none of the drugs you listed are white, how do you defend your metaphor?

i know how to analyze writing, and i had no idea what your verse was about, so you need practice.. oh and whose verse was the weakest since you don't seem to believe it was your own?

god damn i could go on all day about this dude