"You"

[Märtyr]

That smile turns my day around.

.feel me make you how you tell to
,poem a wrote have I ,instead So
.it for vocals the have don't just I but
,song love classic-instant some you sing could I wish I
.either metaphor poetic clever some just isn't That
.universe the are You .mind my on are you or
you see can I where, me around constantly are You
.universe the, you is it combined when and, personality
own their with each, pores your in floating
galaxies elliptical tiny of thousands see I
.concentration intense with detail fine every Studying
.face your call you painting Picasso Pablo that at
track OneRepublic a like "Stop and Stare" I
.so me touches it way the
,body feeble my onto magma molten pouring
like is touch your of warmth The
.unfathomable is that potency a with
shine exterior my helps and
,interior rugged my enlightens It
.provide you that light the of
image mirror a is sun The


"Speak"

[Standard Issue]

Well, this piece is really interesting. I like that it is a poem telling someone how you feel and it is backwards and mixed up. It really shows a lot of that emotion and confusion by using this form to create it. Such a fun idea, but the imagery [or lack of] was somewhat distracting. You try to go some good places, like the warmth line, but the 'warmth of touch' is kind of abstract when we are trying to really get a devotion and love. Be more concrete with those sort of images. The Picasso reference is cool. Well done. A very cool use of the metaphor of 'universe', but I think if you drew that out and developed it to show how it wasn't a metaphor, it might impact us more as reader than to tell us that it isn't a simple metaphor. Follow? If you have other questions, let me know. These are just first reading notes. Overall, a pretty cool little piece here that is interesting in it's experimentation and attempts at creating some greater things than the experiment.

[Märtyr]

Thanks man, I seriously appreciate good feedback.

[Standard Issue]

No worries man. One of the things I have heard for years is to show the reader, not tell them. It is simple, but so hard to do. Just keep at it. Shit is looking good.