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Thread: Murdering Lines.

  1. #1
    Dezine Fo Twenty's Avatar
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    Murdering Lines.

    At the top of the ladda, dat's my only destination
    My subject matter leave's emcee's in humilaton
    I'm violently inclined, never swayed by persausion
    Get ass's running like X-lax does fo constipation
    A troubled youth, quick to act without hesitation
    Troubled past as proof, gun's never need demonstration
    Just point and shoot, All my life I was raised without a father
    Writing death threats daily, but don't give credit to the author
    Searching for feedback, to refine rhymes and increase that paper stack
    It's no mystery, I'm making history, So grab a copy of that paper back
    Novel, the world revolves until I spit then it stands still
    I'm going against the grain, spark an International thrill
    Ain't greedy but got my eye on funds, living by guns it's easy to die by one
    Agreeably barbaric like attilla the hun, challeng'd by none soon as a fraction of my tracks spun,
    that line was longer than the previous, Rapbattles.com the audience so let's hope they feeling this



    This was written while I was staring at the blank white page of a new post.
    Hook up some feedz.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Dezine Fo Twenty's Avatar
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    Re: Murdering Lines.

    Yo, hook up some of dat feedback.

  4. #4
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Murdering Lines.

    Let's get this guy some feed, gotta help out the new guys!

    Sup dude, first off, thanks for following the rules in this piece. Alright, I actually thought this was a pretty cool piece man. You do have a substantial amount of work to do, but you pretty much have the basics down to a tee. I think this is one of those pieces that would be a lot better recorded to a beat...but nonetheless this was quite good dude. I suggest you work on your wording, because I definitely see potential in this piece for a CRAZY flow if you just pick your wording and syllable count correctly. Plus, I don't know, but I'm guessing this wasn't really personal, and by that, I don't think it meant that much to you. My advice would be to write about some thing that truly means some thing to you, because a piece with REAL emotion, emotion that is truly heart felt, is a very hard art to master, but emotion makes a dope piece, more than anything else...imo.

    I hope my advice can help you a bit dude. Keep dropping, I mod this forum, so I'll be keeping an eye on your progress. Read the HOF's and legendary pieces to help yourself elevate, that's what I did when I first came here, nearly 3 years ago now lol. But yea, it definitely helped me. And one more thing, make sure you keep an eye on the topical tournament starting on Monday...most of the best writers the site has to offer are there, and if you play close enough attention to the tourney, you'll see me win it lol *fingers crossed*

    Keep at it dude, props man.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Murdering Lines.

    Btw, get at my piece 'Tomorrow's History' for me please.

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  6. #6
    Town Rapist Ink Poyzin's Avatar
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    Re: Murdering Lines.

    Yeah this was a pretty dope piece, man... But I think
    you should follow "The Witness" advice and work on
    improving your flow a little more. Elevation is key it
    takes patience and time, too... Anyhow I enjoyed the
    read and welcome to Rapbattles, bro.. Oh I got a quick
    thing to say before I leave, yo... I know a few people
    who get advice from MC's and the first thing they go
    for is vocabulary.. But you have that down to a T, too...
    If you want the help on some other ways to write goto
    "Rules" up top of the Forum. Tutorials in there...
    Well Im out, I'll see you around, hopefully...
    [YOUTUBE]gbEwHJX95QE[/YOUTUBE]

  7. #7
    Dezine Fo Twenty's Avatar
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    Re: Murdering Lines.

    Yo thanks for the tips and shit, have to keep that on my mind. I'm gonna check out whats good in the rules section, see what else I can pick up. I'll be around tho, come up with something fresh I can hit ya guys wit.

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! the_origin's Avatar
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    Re: Murdering Lines.

    this was good i felt it but i agree some of the wording could have been rearranged and at times ur bars were 2 long but thats something that will come with practice. I have the opposite problem my bars are 2 short sometimes. I would like to see you write something on a specific topic cuz i think u have the potential 2 be nice. Also check out my piece 3rd world transition and let me know what you think. I welcome all feedback

    keep elevating
    notice when i'm posted and feed me when u see me

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