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Thread: Waiting; Great Japan

  1. #1
    Soule
    Guest

    Waiting; Great Japan

    Waiting

    Ascending Kilimanjuro from air so painfully thin,
    I hack out my breath in sharp splinters of ice,
    my teeth a constant chattering.
    As I gaze up to the starlit sky,
    the beam of my miner's lamp
    skitters across the icy expanse.
    "Will I make it," I hear myself sigh.
    "Not far now," are the words of my guide.
    Though little comfort they bring
    as my marrow ischilled and sliced
    by the blade of the merciless wind.
    "Just one step at a time," I barely hear him say.
    Kimba, my guide now for several days
    but who's counting, my brain is numb.
    Since midnight I've stumbled in errie blackness
    wishing for dawn to come.
    But victory is close at hand;
    at sunrise, on the roof of the world I'll stand.


    Great Japan

  2. #2
    I got fire! Rah Gwahn's Avatar
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    Re: Waiting; Great Japan

    Go over the spelling of Kilimanjuro and errie.

    Sort out the punctuation mistakes also, for instance the comma's after every dialogue yet before the closing speech mark - and also the missed spacing errors like ischilled.

    Once you've done that i think you're on to a winner.

    Except, i'm not sure about the lines like the miners lamp line. It was irellevant and it didn't really do anything positive towards the poem. I think you should have attached some sort of device to that line, in my opinion got rid of 'miners' lamp, as the miner part was the biggest waste of space there.

    Go over your lines in that fashion and try to criticise yourself and exclude as much of your lines as you can. Always try to substitute the weaker lines for another way of approaching them, and you will find it usually helps you find other weaknesses that you can strengthen.

    I liked the breath line, it wasn't the most original concept but you pulled it off ok and i really understood the image, so you get props on that. It was also a good indicator of improving the broadness of your creative arsenal.

    Some feed on an older piece or something would be fresh dude, i'm sure you can dig something up within the most recent pages of PS. Cheers if you do, peace!

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  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Waiting; Great Japan

    gracious senior.

  4. #4
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Re: Waiting; Great Japan

    gracias senor*
    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Waiting; Great Japan

    pfft.

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