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Thread: ~Lost~

  1. #1
    .:The Topical Guru:. Trema's Avatar
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    ~Lost~

    All the time! (by myself)
    My souls lost hard to find in true man kind
    -sometimes i need time to unwind but all i see is nines
    baby sister pregnant by the devil..vision of me happy~In god i trust
    -my perception of life is dim, so there's no love without lust
    Ja says pain is love but i think mankind is full of nonsense
    -one day i saw the devil and i nearly lost my conscious
    vision is clouded by all the worst times in the past...nothings changed
    -christianity is my religion but still...through life you must aspect pain
    realise the demise of 2pac in his time was a crime trying chase his dream
    -big pun rest in piece died...terror squad lost the best of there team
    lyrical content is my emotional and physical way to express how i feel
    -if i dont make it as an artist i'll probably be on da hustle or in a cell


    Sometime! (with my girl)
    Times remain the same through phornication your persued by the law
    -Just coz i was 16 an my babymother 15,..all my friends called her a haw
    it amounted to her nearly dieing..she remained sadly on suicide watch
    -i been through enough but for my kid....i'll gladly lay down the glok
    my girl is my life and she accepts my kid is part of me to
    -love dont cost a thing..but for those who think it does,lol yo a fool
    True un conditional love exist i was just too weak to accept it
    -to percept or inherit it is better than rejecting it
    how far can you dig with a spoon in the sand-hurting yo wrist
    -the thoughts of me being lonely for my life is a dangerous risk
    Is the seed of love for real...i hurt my ex girl and payd the cost
    -for this i truly mean sorry-for it was laydee snypah i Lost~


    The come back!
    Fuck life, why? because its filled up with too much depression
    the tension never gets a mention unless its a baby outta c-section
    and for those seeds that dont undesrtand my vocabulary and simily's
    my flow explains my life better than a hollow point ina nine mili
    i've grown to be mature and act my age infront of my family
    the same peeps i called fam were the seeds that said rap were'nt in me
    M pulsive nigger i never self glorify myself the lord made me special
    till my heart collaps...i'll be writing rhymes and munching pretzels!


    Till i collaps,

    www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199762
    www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199874
    written voices makes hidden noises

  2. #2
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    I liked how you started your stanzas, you had a nice rhyme scheme. At spots in the body of each you went back to it a little, but I would have liked to have seen it throughout. I wasn't feeling the closers for the first and third stanzas, the first was a stretch to rhyme, and the last was forced. I liked the emotion in the second stanza the most, made it personal.

  3. #3
    .:The Topical Guru:. Trema's Avatar
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    Thanks yo

    Thanks Carl All feedback will be returned! Carl leave a link to yo recent o.m an ul peep it
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  4. #4
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    You're Welcome
    Life As A Dead Man

  5. #5
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    A good topic and well structured, i thought your vocab could've done with some work and the sophistication of your rhymes could've been better, but you managed to convey the emotion of the narrator and make some pretty good imagery to help the reader see the piece rather than just read it. worth the read.

    keep posting, if you could hit my piece "a criminal's thoughts" i'd appricaite the feedback.

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  6. #6
    .:The Topical Guru:. Trema's Avatar
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    Thanks jonny,

    Thanks for the feed i'll hit yo piece now!
    written voices makes hidden noises

  7. #7
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    Closed for inadequate feedbacks left. Leave longer feeds or your threads will keep getting closed.
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