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Thread: ...those eyes...

  1. #1
    demonseed
    Guest

    ...those eyes...

    Pale, but pure.
    I saw through those eyes to her soul.
    She pierced my pain, with a 10 gauge hole.
    If she bore razors for fingers, Id let her sever my flesh.
    And id bathe in grain alchohol , to serve her any wish!

    Pale, but pure.
    SHe compels my spirit, like a snake charmers call.
    Removes my hate, makes my chains suddenly fall.
    I pray to her, like a heretic undercover.
    I destroy any trails to that alter, so no one can discover.

    Those pale, but pure eyes had me hooked from the jump.
    Blindly I followed, into walls with lumpy THUMPS!
    All by my hand...she never carressed me rough.
    If this all isnt right...THEN slap on the cuffs!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. #2
    I liked it, seems like the ending wasn't as thoughtful as the beginning and middle, but nice drop keep it up!!!!

  3. #3
    demonseed
    Guest
    thanks tp! I appreciate the feed.
    WIll work at keeping it up all the way throuGH!
    thats just tehat typical man in me.

  4. #4
    hmm i liked the first paragraph the most and the last the least.... but hey keep it up

  5. #5
    prodigal_prophet
    Guest
    nice drop...keep droppin, youo'll get betta.

  6. #6
    demonseed
    Guest
    thank you for the feedback folks!
    I will definately keep droppin!

  7. #7
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
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    Portland, Oregon
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    This was way better then your other poem that I read.. The structure on this piece was way better and thats prolly why... But stay active and keep posting...

  8. #8
    demonseed
    Guest
    hey man thank you!
    I really appreciate the feedback!

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