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Thread: Smoke

  1. #1
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Smoke

    Smoke finds its way through air, seeking out the light
    Passing through rays of sunshine, coming into sight
    The heavy breathing increases, with speed and pace
    Craving ceases, a look of relief crosses her face
    Her expression no longer pained as it had been
    No stopping her, even knowing what it can mean
    She opens her mouth, her lips cracked and dry
    Letting out a harsh mist of smoke into the sky
    Its doing damage to her body, killing her inside
    Not alone in bad health, the family is along for the ride
    This unhealthy habit leading to death and disease
    Smokes, cigarettes, she’s killing herself with these
    Sticks of tobacco, deadly produce of a killer leaf
    A way to escape stress for some, but only in brief

    She lifts her head, looks up into the stream of light
    Peering through the thick smoke, blocking all sight
    Her days are all the same, full of longing and desire
    Repetitive cravings for tobacco inhalation and fire
    It’s taken over her life, it’s taken over and controlling
    And it’s killing her, as the cancer growths swollen
    No medical help available, nothing can be done
    Hates cigarettes but still can’t resist having one
    It’s impossible for her to kick the habit, give up
    Even knowing that the habit is tearing her life up

    Clouds swirl around, she’s surrounded by the light
    Looking up, Pearly gates and angels now in sight
    Staring, watching heaven come close
    Her life shortens and slows
    Looks back and sees her daughter, wishing she could see her older
    She will meet her soon, as passive smoking caused death to have a hand on her shoulder
    Visions of heaven fade, hell appears and she dies colder…





    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...45#post1876945
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...45#post1876945
    My First OM so don't criticize me too much, lol.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  2. #2
    redruM. Cinquix Incision's Avatar
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    thats hot, im likin the vocab. and structure u have set to it....nice

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...35#post1877035

    please return the favor on this battle
    "ya i see you nigguhs mean muggin on poarches, unload that clip and watch em scatter like roaches"
    ima foo wit it! girl gimme dat pussy i kno wut to do wit it!

    I AINT NO BITCH!

  3. #3
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    yo man, that shit was fresh. every square smoker can relate...i wasnt feeling the last verse you laid down though, didnt go with the first to...Gotta keep ya head up

    and remember kids
    nugs beat baco
    from the Cradle to the Grave BOO becomes the fable of the Great

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    GET OFF MY NUTS

  4. #4
    redruM. Cinquix Incision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by boo
    yo man, that shit was fresh. every square smoker can relate...i wasnt feeling the last verse you laid down though, didnt go with the first to...Gotta keep ya head up

    and remember kids
    nugs beat baco

    is this kid trying to send a message to everyone out there??...with his tupac quote and then he's gonna say that at the end...rofl, ok then...just tryin to say....and what is up with ya sig man resize them pics kid that can be annoyin

    again nice lines tho
    "ya i see you nigguhs mean muggin on poarches, unload that clip and watch em scatter like roaches"
    ima foo wit it! girl gimme dat pussy i kno wut to do wit it!

    I AINT NO BITCH!

  5. #5
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    You are right.
    Last edited by boo; December 5th, 2004 at 02:46 AM Reason: This was not nesacery
    from the Cradle to the Grave BOO becomes the fable of the Great

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    GET OFF MY NUTS

  6. #6
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    this is hot shit. i like the vocab and the flow. you had good structure too. you stuck to the point. tight ass rhyme. nice

  7. #7
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Upping for some more feedback. Thanks people.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  8. #8
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Still nothing else.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Omniscient's Avatar
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    Nice shit..i thought u had good vocab and structure and i liked every line it weren't like one line gave me ah buzz than the other got me lost every line stayed hot and i like that...keep it up son...holla back

    DaYoungsta boy!!!

  10. #10
    Beautifully Decayed Mesmerize's Avatar
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    Nice drop man. Your flow and structure was almost perfect in this. The emotion and imagery was strong as well. I kinda thought a few lines sounded kinda corny but you pulled it back together. Overall it was a great read, I like the style you took with it. Keep it up man.

    peace,
    Mez

  11. #11
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Thanks again. Upping.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  12. #12
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Up.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  13. #13
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Upping. Just want some more feedback please.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  14. #14
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    I'm surprised at the depth displayed here. You are a very talented young man.

    The only real complaints I have is that a) like Mesmerize said, there were certain lines that came across as more than a bit corny and b) it could have done with more multies, but overall, you held it together well. I'm impressed. Keep writing my friend.

    reply to this please -----> http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=159984
    ...

  15. #15
    Introducing... Cunny Funt's Avatar
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    Replied to your drop Jekyll.

    Bump.
    ...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh

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