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Thread: Just Napping

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Just Napping

    Pinacle-black
    Credz-white...I mean green...no, blue

    Women are frustrating, man…check it, check it…
    Pinacle’s verse:

    She’s simple, down to Earth but still a paradox
    For me a double-negative like a pair of cops
    Mood swings non-stop like Martha Stewart stocks
    And you danced circles around me, I give props
    To how you hid your true self and identity
    With all your knowledge books, shelfing a mentality
    Behind you, we taught each other a lesson
    That a house blessing is beyond simple guessing
    You’re too much to touch intimately, finger print patterns
    Are intricately aligned, like horoscopes and Saturn
    Are used as a reason why I give you attention
    You claim it’s a pension for sexual intentions
    But if I prefer space, you jump to a conclusion
    With false accusing and then you’re moving
    Public displays are vital so I won’t lose ya
    Then you reverse, suing me for assault, say I bruised-ya?
    Girl, you bruised yourself, while on that topic
    Your position is more delicate than stock markets
    And no matter what I continue to do
    There is still not a man in me for you

    /Chorus://First priority and centre of action
    Women are corrupt like government taxing
    You are blind and can’t see me passing
    Too busy combing hair or waxing
    Slept on? Nah, girl, you’re just napping

    Pinacle:

    Court trails but I’m still supposed to pay your bills
    And leave insurance, medicare, and money in the will
    Still, you persevere and demand child support
    For a child you don’t have, but lied while in court
    In short succession, the story’s events unfold
    You took the queen-sized bed, now I’m depressed and cold
    While your shit hits the fan, I still pursue circulation
    For a condensating bedroom but who ensued patience
    In this relation, that you never even thought
    Being this stigma would reply with bleeding dots

    Credz:

    Im seeing Spots and my gut is kneading knots…
    While our relationship is proceeding squat…
    Feeding thoughts of you telling me yes…but…
    You were off cheating having sex…slut!...
    And yet you expect me to pay for everything…
    You’re the queen and I’ll just never be king…
    You always telling me maybe we can be more…
    But…when nothing even began yet whore…
    I guess that’s why you always ask me for dates…
    Just to get my cash and to pass me your hate…


    /Chorus://First priority and centre of action
    Women are corrupt like government taxing
    You are blind and can’t see me passing
    Too busy combing hair or waxing
    Slept on? Nah, girl, you’re just napping

    Credz:

    Another message, another reason you can’t see me…
    A reason that’s grants me free…and plants the seed…
    For all the hate that grew inside you that you had…
    We were turning into a mismatch like black and plaid…
    The hate just didn’t stop and I just don’t know why…
    I even asked where you were and you just told lies…
    You established a disguise of bruises, and vast thinness…
    Our time went from your excuses to our last minutes…
    I held your hand tightly in mine…not letting it go…
    As tears formed in my eyes never regretting us though…
    Curtains, angel of destruction sitting in the waiting room…
    As your chest full of your love will be deflating soon…
    People in the background constantly saying “its over”…
    But I still linger to the end as you just grow colder…
    Your hand slips out of mine and drops to your side…
    As that same angel implies and crops both our lifelines…
    Some ladies lie and are just figuratively sleeping…
    But death is the way my girl is simply leaving…


    /Chorus://

    Replied to Hell by Wise Ways and The Penis Revolt by BTK.
    can I kick it?

  2. #2
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    Upping for some feedback.

  3. #3
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    while I feel the chorus could have been a bit more, it was decent.
    Pinnacle came sort os weak in the first verse, but he stepped up his game in the second,I'll give your first verse a 6/10 and your second a 8/10
    now Credz, wooo, I liked your 1st verse.
    especially these lines

    "Im seeing Spots and my gut is kneading knots…
    While our relationship is proceeding squat…
    Feeding thoughts of you telling me yes…but…
    You were off cheating having sex…slut!..."

    I was very impressed with that.
    and then you came dope again in the 2nd verse.
    props.
    I'll give your 1st a 8/10 and your second another 8/10
    I'll give the chorus a 7/10.
    the chorus was kind of empty, like I was expecting more,
    like you should have repeated "just nappin" a few times
    lol, if this was audio.
    anyway, a good collab nonetheless.

    and yall need 2 more links since its two of you.

  4. #4
    yo
    I didnt really like the chorus but the verses were really good.
    pInnacles verse was good but i liked credz veres alittle better cuz
    it seemed he used better words and his verse just felt stronger.
    so overall this was a really good pieace

  5. #5
    Newbie CNL's Avatar
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    Chorus was a little less than I'd like to have seen, but the verses were great. One thing though, Credz, in your last verse, did the woman just die or was she killed?
    CNL = Conformed No Longer
    Romans 12:2

  6. #6
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    She died from a illness.

  7. #7
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    ok wow nice piece.....damm long tho!!

    OVERALL
    ok to start with the topic was good,
    and it wasnt even a really played issue!!
    this piece did confuse me a bit and after
    reading both really carefully twice, still
    cant find the connection!! ok pinical is
    saying about women are cheaters and
    shit like that and liers!! but then is credz
    talking bout the same girl or a different
    one, but he seems to take a more soft
    approch and saying the he was by her side
    as she was dieing, is this ment to be a
    contrast of the two pieces?? anyway heres
    the breakdown!!

    PINICLE

    ok man, this was nicely done first ill start
    with the flow of the piece, nearly perfect
    i dont think ya fell off once in the piece
    i sed at the bigining that it was long, but
    it didnt feel long as the flow was soo good.
    next the structure was just as impressive.
    kept it easy to read for me. i liked how you
    used some wordplay in here too, as you dont
    see much of it in open mics, for example the
    'more delicate than stock markets' line, i liked the
    way it was done. ok your writers voice is prob the
    most important thing in an open mic and you seemed
    to do it well for the most part, it was nearly like you
    were telling a story, but i lost it some of the way
    through. vocab was very impressive also!!

    overall a good strong verse, 9.1/10, keep it up
    mayne!!

    fav line =

    Girl, you bruised yourself, while on that topic
    Your position is more delicate than stock markets

    CREDZ

    Ok to start with also was nice man, ok flow
    i have to say didnt think it could of got any
    better than pinicals, but it did, now yours
    was better for two reasons, one the lines
    went as streached and two your multies<
    ok now your multies were amazing, i really like
    two lines in this piece, these were,
    "Im seeing Spots and my gut is kneading knots…
    While our relationship is proceeding squat…"
    i thought that was dopeness!! ok your structure
    was perfect < cant say anything else bout that,
    your writers voice was good, i followed your
    story that you layed out, but still didnt get
    the connection between the two pieces!!
    vocab was also nice!! another great piece by you!
    9.3/10

    fav line =

    Curtains, angel of destruction sitting in the waiting room…
    As your chest full of your love will be deflating soon…

    great piece guys, just tell me the connection between the two coz my brain cant take anymore thinking about it!!

    18.4/20

    return the favour on 9/11 if ya have time!!

    pz

    timeless
    Just One More Chance. Please

  8. #8
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Huh, dope reply. It's nice that someone took a nice approach to my verse, and it was sorta' contrasting between our two opinions of women, Timeless. I took that they are deceitful while Credz took to their compassionate side.Upidie do da.
    can I kick it?

  9. #9
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    Up Up And Awaaay.

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