suicide

[Split-eyez]

I'm trying to stand tall in life - but I fall behind
crazy thoughts keep on running through my mind.
Feeling suicidal reaching out for hope
keeping on feeling like a loser and learning how to cope.
Feeling miserable - as I wonder why...
feeling very much alive - but on the inside I die.
I wonder what I am, except a pain
feeling like no one cares, ... If I'd die, they'd prolly gain.
If I weren't here anymore... would anyone even cry?
I bet no one would look back, all eyes would stay dry.
And so I take the knife and cute real deep
feeling the pain, knowing soon my blood will seep.
I wonder what's gonna happen now, as my pulse begins to stop
but I can't go back, can't turn back the hands on the clock.
Either way, it's over,... as I willingly close my eyes
dying and still a loser - a loser who was too afraid to say his family 'goodbye'.

-- so if you're thinking of taking your life
please reconsider... and put down the knife --




Peace....

[Split-eyez]

uppin....

[Deceit]

One word, cliche, apart from the end, advising against suicide, this exact insight on life's hopelessness is overdone and under-displayed. You're rhymin' is fine, if basic, your emotions are apprent but not too deep...
Simply feel, add a new spin on the idea of suicide, don't use the jaded ways of others, and if you wrote a peice of shit poem that was from genuine ideas, i would rather mistakes of your own choice than a mistake of another's...

You have some potential for unique viewpoint, think about what you want to write, you should only write about what you thought about a lot, this seemed insincere, it didn't have yourself in it, eveb if you felt it so...

Improve idea's and complex structure, although trivial, does help to seem more proffesional, pull out your potential and don't hold back...

[Split-eyez]

^^^thanks for your honest comments
really appreciate it dawg

[Varentao]

Don't usually do this. But i caught Deceit's comments, and igot to agree.

It seemed flat. Flat in real emotions. And for the way it was written, that part was vital.

But as said, it does show potential. Stay true and centred. Work from there (hope that doesn't sound patronising).

...resp..

[Split-eyez]

^^thanks for hitting this one...

[sILLable]

^^i agree.~1~