September

[143]

I played September like the next song not listened to
Blended through the embers of campfires sweat glistened to
I remember sending you to the cabin, need smores and miller lights
You were scared like Thriller nights in dimmed killer sights
Murdering the scene with curveballs striking home
Inviting tones to coincide with grey clouds lightning proned
Rain washing the galantry, we valiantly continue with the sex play
Falacies of malice and mischief smelted into the next day
Morning dew fresh with drops remembering the flights of the previous
Prerecorded episodes predisposed to red shades of the devious
Moet and scrambled cheese eggs filled to calm the savage beast
Soul ravaged, depleated bodies scream above the average peep
You still smile like life was a newborn given to your breast
Feeding to maturity lifting righteousness, appointed to rest
Guessing that time has lost its pull because it didn't matter
Fixiation of heartbeats toss, loss time's position amongst the chatter
And this would continue throughout various hotels and venues
Where every September weekend consist of these activity menues
Ending with embers and sweat glands, performing the closure
Suspending all winters and falls, contorting normal composure

[143]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...51&postcount=8
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...61&postcount=2
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...65&postcount=5

[143]

ok slepted on

[trajik]

Wow is this ever getting slept on...

Dude I love the imagery you brought to the table here, so thorough and vivid, my favorite aspect to this piece for sure. The wording of the piece was up there too, the wording read so smoothly to me, and I put that to your wording and not the rhyme scheme because, for a piece by 143, I thought the multis weren't quite up to par, but the internals were really well done. Your vocab, of course is top notch, really contributed to the wording and making this overall a really enjoyable read. Well done, I can't wait for SS, hopefully we meet one week.

[VOB]

I think this drop deserves way more attention, that's why I'm bringin it
up top. Yet again I think that the geniality you display thorugh your
vocabulary is scaring people off. Just a hint, if you want your pieces
to get more feed just slightly ease on the vocab.
Still this was very good as Ap said you have a very nice way of wording
your verses which creates a good imagery. You stayed focused on the topic
throughout the whole drop and executed your inters and multis nicely.
And yea the flow was there but still it read to me more like a short-
story than something that can actually be recorded. Maybe you should try
to be a bit more mainstream ?! But then again I think that's prolly not what
you're aiming for since your the self acclaimed Mr. Vocabulary.
So whatever, I enjoyed reading this...stay at it.

Voice

[E-bien]

I remember sending you to the cabin, need smores and miller lights
You were scared like Thriller nights in dimmed killer sights
Murdering the scene with curveballs striking home
Inviting tones to coincide with grey clouds lightning proned

Loved this^^^^

Great piece dude, really built the images, great flow too.
I could picture someone doin this while i was readin it, which I always think of as a good thing.
Keep at it dude be great to hear what this sounds like when u put it down on a track.
Good read - peace -

[Puma1996]

Very good piece,vocab was great and i liked the imagery here
made a good picture in my head, and btw i liked the structure
thought that was important enough to bring up nice work here

[Time__.]

Morning dew fresh with drops remembering the flights of the previous
Prerecorded episodes predisposed to red shades of the devious
Moet and scrambled cheese eggs filled to calm the savage beast
Soul ravaged, depleated bodies scream above the average peep

liked these few verses, infact the whole story repeating
itself is pretty clever. sometimes i felt that some rhymes
were forced for example, the first line. instead of "not listened to"
more like "never listened to" would have made a bigger impact.
sometimes rhymes could use a bigger impact to make the whole
read more dramatic. i know it's a pain in the ass to sometimes
rhyme exactly what u gotta say.

also, stuff like "You were scared like Thriller nights in dimmed killer sights" was kind of like a broken sentance, if i'd approach it, i'd say
something like "you were scared like Thriller nights in with killer butcher knives" or something, ahh dunno, just make a sentance more of a
sentance with the right adjs and verbs n stuff.

thats my two cents. but great drop man.

[FD_1234]

Hey, I aint good at leavin feedback but its the rules so I will do my best:

"I remember sending you to the cabin, need smores and miller lights
You were scared like Thriller nights in dimmed killer sights"

Love the imagry of you sending someone home cuz she/he was scared.

Your rhyming is versatile - I like it

"Rain washing the galantry, we valiantly continue with the sex play
Falacies of malice and mischief smelted into the next day"

Good rhyming I like it

"Ending with embers and sweat glands, performing the closure
Suspending all winters and falls, contorting normal composure "

Very good closing, and you kept the image through out it was awesome

Your rhymes, metaphors, similes everything was just nicely set out, in fact I don't even think I can find anything wrong with it even if I tried to

Keep it up dude, your rising especially if you keep writing like that

Good work Your better than me thats a fact

Take care - looking forward to seeing some of your other work