Weathering These Emotion's

[Kaotic Theory]

FreshADiddle = 1st
Kaotic Theory = 2nd

I'm twirling my hair to the rhythm of raindrops
with a finger that would rather feel them
than hear them...but I'm trapped.
Held down by a lacquered finish...
meant to protect my faux heart from harm...
intended to save my soul from the sadness
of other people's opinions of me.
Reality might be a rainy day...
but once, just once,
I would like to see if my dancing shoes
can handle a prance through puddles.
Umbrellas were invented for a reason...
but for some other reason,
I've decided to not take the risk.

swimming through ocean's of grief
like a fish with just one fin
stuggalling to escape this dillema
of being the odd being......
....and never fitting in.
a surfer, surfing these waves...like a
heroic climber does mountain peek's
i can't stop crying, it hurt's
and they're hurting me.
i wish i can dissapear, so atlast
i can possibly be free...
at this moment looking down
but even to afraid to take the leap.

[Kaotic Theory]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...326/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...289/index.html

[Extinctor Draconis]

I was going to say "that seems like something fresh would write". lmao That trick can write and I'm glad you did some work with her because you both are great poets. I think style wise, it was an evident change from her piece, to your piece. Lucidity of fresh's piece was really amazing

Reality might be a rainy day...
but once, just once,
I would like to see if my dancing shoes
can handle a prance through puddles.

I really enjoyed that. Kaotic, you were the written voices leader, right? I wouldn't say the content dropped off in your stanza, but if was an obvious change.

i wish i can dissapear, so atlast
i can possibly be free...
at this moment looking down
but even to afraid to take the leap.

that was probably the best part of the piece; wanting to be free of the grief, but unwilling to commit to it's end.

good stuff mang

[oatmeal]

this was a good drop. weather seems to have an emotional pull on people one way or another, so the topic itself felt natural. Not only that, it wasn't corny or cliche, which is a likely scenario for lesser writers when writing about emotions. This was honest and avoided melodrama, which was refreshing. Now I'll get into it.

I'm twirling my hair to the rhythm of raindrops
with a finger that would rather feel them
than hear them

I loved that image, great way to start it off. The twirling of hair evokes a sense of restrained joy as opposed to sadness, which is typically associated with rain. I loved that, because it connotes the beautiful side of rain, which is all too neglected. Kind of a "dancing in the rain" feel.

The next bit about the lacquer over the heart as protection was really cool, kept the theme of weather/emotions going strong with an original metaphor. Then:

Reality might be a rainy day...
but once, just once,
I would like to see if my dancing shoes
can handle a prance through puddles.

back to what I was talking about earlier, I liked how you flipped the usual image of rain into something to be cherished and enjoyed. First part I liked a lot.

To be completely honest, I feel like the second verse was more focused on rhythm, because it read very well. The descriptions were also nice, I liked this one in particular:

struggling to escape this dillema
of being the odd being

just a well worded turn of phrase here, nice.

i can possibly be free...
at this moment looking down
but even to afraid to take the leap

and this is what I was referring to earlier, it read rhythmically with the soft rhyme in the first and last line of the quote. Overall, the imagery itself was cool, but it was kind of what I expected ya know. So as a collab, it was cool to see the focus of both parts on different areas, with Fresh' verse a reverse of expectation and Kaotic's centered around how it read. I enjoyed reading this a lot, good collab.


please return the favor on either of my poems, "Chasing Morals" or "The House and the Pillar." Thanks.

[Kaotic Theory]

thanks for the feed guy's....

anyone else want to read this and give some food for thought lol?

[Jukon]

Freaky Fresh; you started the piece off greatly. I can definitely relate it to you, it's exactly your style. I love the weather metaphors thruout the entire thing. I was definitely feelin the fluidity in fresh's stanza, felt like a very smooth read with nice emotional content, and also some pretty solid imagery.

Kinky Kaotic; you followed fresh nicely, another smooth read. I enjoyed the change of pace, tho I hate that it's so easy to tell these are two separate people. But oh well everyone has different styles. I actually found a solid rhyme scheme in kaotics verse, something that fresh didn't have and that was a nice touch. Made the entire thing really mesh together.

Anyway, nice collab you two, keep at it and I'm always up for a poetry collab.

[Jukon]

Rtf?

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...484/index.html

[Jukon]

Rtf?

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...484/index.html

[Blynd]

Okay, Title and picture +1 lol

Fresh:
your stanza starts off really nicely. Great first line. I thought the line skip between 'feel them' and 'than hear them' hurt the flow a little bit. Lacquered finished and faux heart are great word choices. The last line reads a little unusually... I just think that 'not to' sounds better than 'to not'. Anyway, I got a girl here, in the back of a cab, watching the rain drops hit the back window. She's obviously hurt from a past relationship, and she desires to feel love. She wants to let her guard down and just go dance in the rain. The one thing that I had a problem was conceptually was when you said umbrellas were invented for a reason. If I'm understanding your poem correctly, an umbrella seems like a thinner 'laquered finish'. That's it, though. Great stanza overall. Really enjoyed it.

Kaotic:
You too have a very nice first line, and it linsk the 2 stanzas together very well imo. You spelled stRuggling wrong lol. You could have used riding instead of surfing in the 6th line, surfer surfing sounds redundant, and 'like a' ends the line very roughly. Using 'does' isn't the best word choice because it relates back to surfing, which means a heroic climber is surfing mountain peaks which doesn't make the most sense. In line 8, hurting could have been changed because you just used hurt in the last line. 'could' instead of 'can' in line 9 and 10. In the last line, 'to' has 2 o's... 'too'. Sorry, if that's a little harsh, just trying to point out some things you could polish up. Just check grammar and try not to repeat any words. Redundancy is a very bad habit to get into in poetry because it limits the amount the reader can take away. For example, if you describe a sky as both a pink hued sky and a twilight sky, it means the same basic thing, but it gives the reader 2 very powerful images. Anyway, I did like this a lot. It seems like your describing a kid maybe that is always looked at as a little strange. Although he keeps his head up, he's dying inside from the pain of no one understanding him. His pain is so great that he isn't even free to be happy anymore. The ending is GREAT! It goes in 2 directions where he's either too afraid to take a leap and go out on his own and kind of say, 'I don't care what you think'. Or he's so strangled by the pain that he's even afraid to take his own life. Not sure if that's where you meant to go, but that's where it took me, and that's an excellent ending! Good job, keep writing.


Sorry I took so long to get to this. I really enjoyed this a lot. The change from Fresh to Katoic was obvious, but that didn't hurt the piece. Also, the topic of rain is always fun to play with, so it inspired me a little bit... I have to get back to writing more... thank God finals are almost over Anyway good job... I said that already... While I have to end this somehow... the end

[Kaotic Theory]

yep thanks blynd....and lol you nailed it bud.

[PipeGunz]

I'm twirling my hair to the rhythm of raindrops
with a finger that would rather feel them
than hear them...but I'm trapped.
Held down by a lacquered finish...
meant to protect my faux heart from harm...
intended to save my soul from the sadness
of other people's opinions of me.


Reality might be a rainy day...
but once, just once,
I would like to see if my dancing shoes
can handle a prance through puddles.
Umbrellas were invented for a reason...
but for some other reason,
I've decided to not take the risk.

swimming through ocean's of grief
like a fish with just one fin
stuggalling to escape this dillema
of being the odd being......
....and never fitting in.


a surfer, surfing these waves...like a
heroic climber does mountain peek's
i can't stop crying, it hurt's
and they're hurting me.
i wish i can dissapear, so atlast
i can possibly be free...
at this moment looking down
but even to afraid to take the leap.
__________________
Written Voices & Artificial Intelligence



I broke down the verse so my feed doesnt disrupt the flow your piece


the metas you used in this area where very good and discriptive
the flow was alittle off only because of the filler used with in
it maybe helpful to use less filler and words like "I "and "my"
because when you or you reader reads the piece you will continue to internalize it
there for not getting the weight of the emotion oand pressure off your chest
your emotion in the piece speaks for it self


again lacking in flow and could use a lttle rearranging in word usage
though emotion is still very vivid and your discription draws a good picture

this verse was by far the best read of your piece flow use of metas and wording all there
no constructive critisizm here

good metas vivid picture
though you swayed in the topic flow

try to stick to one topic or if you want the range of multiple topics try using some words that have something in common with the next topic to connect the two and keep it flowing
overall good piece, meta usage was good for the imaging