Rules and Regulations
Good Luck!
Rules and Regulations
Good Luck!
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
this was supposed to happen I suppose...let's do this once again my friend.
whether it was supposed to or not,
my hat is off to you, good sir.
best of luck.
I'm here to break my own ball and chain..
“The Protectors”
yo,
.
.
It was a heated election,
when many people felt the earth needed protection.
Little did we know that it was freezing progression -
They had no choice but to teach us a lesson.
.. some were preaching prevention of cars & machines,
cause of smoky pollutants they often release,
even boycotting buses to walk in the streets,
until the “green” movements, slash marketing schemes.
While some called shenanigans, didn't hardly believe
these 'tree huggers', green peace were really closeted queens.
drove their H2's, smoked cubans, deposited steam,
cast their plastic six-packs to the water in streams.
atomic debris, bombs blasting in war zones
mushroom clouds grow from a casualties torn clothes.
scattered in morse code; the answers to warm holes
appearing in the atmosphere, while cancer absorbs slow.
we were dancing in worn soles - labeled it ‘climate change’,
storm patterns that hadn't been made since the primal age,
Al Gore got on the mic and they gave him the right-of-way,
The driving force, rockin “I hate Homo-Sapiens” license plates;
No more dependence on oil, electric rays into cyberspace,
solar power in the day, charged by radiant microwaves.
The raging of tidal waves were peaceful & still,
“Go Green” was a phrase the global media drilled -
until our heads finally filled with a feeling of guilt,
for all of nature's creations our machinery killed.
Our seasonal tilt shifted back to regular cycles,
next generation really felt it best to recycle,
the antichrist was bullshit, with respect to the bible
but there's still a chosen few, to whom the devil was vital.
Protects their survival, one day from ashes He rose:
said “It's but a matter of time before humanity knows.”
the fossil fuel families spitting gases & coal
went bankrupt in transition 'til their factories closed.
These titans of industry once held massive control,
But with their power now obsolete, they vanished below ……
- Harry Reid,“Coal makes us sick. Oil makes us sick. It's global warming. It's ruining our country. It's ruining our world.”
U.S. Senate Majority Leader
- 2099 -
Nature prevailed before all of our eyes,
found a cheap way to desalinate the water supply,
Rainforest regrew, no toxins bothered the skies,
the Green movement sent mama earth a positive vibe -
aint let politics die, there's still corruption & greed,
and starvation worldwide, forever suffering breeds,
but something had eased: the wars in the middle east,
the western world was finally afforded a little peace.
the source of electricity had shifted dramatically,
since the human race was no longer addicted to gasoline,
got rid of the plastic sea, alas, too great to be true
since nobody knew the position that our fate had assumed.
This civilized time line was long forsaken & doomed,
Cause no environmental movement ceases nature's pursuit.
In a Godless world, a deal with the Devil remains unbroken.
They came in the night -
a silver-lined aurora cloud, bathed in aqueous light,
humming to the melody of Satan's delight.
Shadow being, fangs sharper than the blade of a knife,
leading brigades of suited men, faces shaded from sight,
in every nation alike, they marched like crashes of thunder,
can of gas in one hand and a match in the other.
masking their hunger for the order of mankind,
exploding on the scene with the force of a land mine,
outsourced for the last time - they've marketed change,
but a few must protect the earth's penultimate phase.
Real nature is re-generation, no pause during play,
for a new earth to emerge, this one must start to decay.
http://i40.tinypic.com/20sj9kx.png
These former oil tycoons, the masters of war,
once controlling the commodity most battles are for,
dumped their product into oceans, black splashing the shore,
one single night, a thousand years worth of damage restored.
Smashed the panels, then went after what the panels absorbed -
Brought revelation to the land without a galloping horse.
Civilization has a pattern, and the pattern was torn
once the first man resolved to stop gassing his ford.
set in place since the second that our planet was formed,
Mankind aint forever - But chaos is everlasting & more.
As valleys were torched, fresh forests burned to the ground,
the world just kept turning and turning around …
Birds in the clouds witnessed global recharge,
fumes blocking solar power with the glow of the stars.
the people would awaken to the smokiest fogs,
leaving hardly any energy for owners of cars;
the government would panic, no one knowin the cause -
grab blankets as the landscape takes on a frozen visage,
They need heat as the sleet starts to snow in the Fall,
and then it's not hard to guess who their going to call.
Species are destined to decline when civilizing begins,
as Nature takes it's course and starts the cycle again.
- Black
Last edited by Mr. Black; June 1st, 2010 at 12:29 PM Reason: omitted a word.
I'm here to break my own ball and chain..
Chainsaw Skyscraper
by Noodle
it was like yesterday, but really it was over a week
the phone rang, I answered - I felt immobile and weak
they told me to speak, the shock had me broken and creased
folded at every inch as tears would roll on my cheeks
but I remained calm, grabbed my father to stay strong
told the story, but it only fueled my eyes like a napalm
my heart was an a-bomb, internally wrecked
purposely let go in order to insure me of death
trees fall, tears fall, but the strongest alive
never have the right of way, it's feeling wrong to survive
follow the vibe, I get moved, but my hope doesn't
that explains what it was like, I'm used to the old crutches
no rushing through the surgery, no budget at all
she's feeling like a ton of bricks before they rumble and fall
don't wonder at all, passion wasn't hard to be seen
I'd rather take in all her burden than be part of the league
said it's retarded to think, but love is ending obscure
cause arrows always find a match, yet there's never a cure
guess it's secure, tired, but her face is sublime
I say they had to wait to treat her cause the way that she shines
radiating stronger than an angel, divine
the sky wasn't that close, but there's a vacancy sign
had to tell her "hang on" as she noted the light
then I dreamt about perfection and I hoped it was right
she's a fighter like her prowess demandsOriginally Posted by Eric Clapton
they had to crystallize the glass to find an hour of sand
as I scoured the land, waiting with the towel in hand
I couldn't give up on the purpose cause the tower? I am!
devour the plans, a label was a casket's disguise
her eyes set upon the table like a mattress of cries
doctors surpassed it, make me an example of lies
tell me everything's ok...how "you're glad that she's fine"
tell me "structures bend, but they never break"
and if rest awaits, the bed will find me just to help me catch the weight
stress debates with me, I can't argue the facts
times get tougher while the play becomes as hard as I act
part of my mask, anger led my heart to the black
and though my body's been a temple it's still starting to crack
been to church, never hurt, feel the test will get worse
roots deeper than my blood...neither quenching the thirst
deceptive - and even if it's under the will
it's like this house just ain't a home if there's another to build
I keep searching every floor, mind battling soul
but then I end up in the middle as it rattles my bones
so my skeleton is gelatin, my skin be the leather
give me the weather, so the wind will always lead us together
free-falling into promises, trauma reaching my sleep
reaping the benefits? no, there's gotta be a reason I keep
now it creeps up on me like a ghost in a shell
one shot, but two blanks as there's devotion that tells
emotion wells up the wisdom in a moment of hell
cause it's atrocious and the motion's losing focus as well
hope for the best..."yes, you're coming home with the fam"
but that's not the case, every morning I was folding my hands
praying God would come find her minus coroner vans
she said "don't worry 'bout me" behind the 'podium stand'
her age denied signals, heart scraping the clouds
a breath of fresh air, the silence isn't changing it now
blanketed, mumbled curses are the blankest of sounds
full of hatred - now they reach the range of the drowned
yes, the tears are the river, whether murky or dark
cause the crimson was the cancer that was burning the spark
hurting the art, pictures couldn't mention her name
I learned to talk in every essence, couldn't let it refrain
insane, our lives make an instant change
certain issues present themselves like a gift exchange
resistance claims faith, but it seems to persist
through a Stroke of genius where we all should Seize to exist
bleeding a wish, one night in this veteran's cell
the blades always chopped my knees between a heaven and hell
cause I'm upset and I trembled just to settle for 'not'
the pot called the kettle black, I called the kettle the pot
level the notch just to keep the balance intact
count on me to count to three before I counter-react
bouncing me back to reality, it's morbid as fuck
storing this love inside my core until I tore the shit up
notice the luck with no chance, not even roulette
said I reminded her of Jesus...and the reasons He wept
cleaning what's left while leaving every vision a blur
her time was up, but the world wasn't finished with her
Nothing ruins the memory. She was my angel, my skyscraper.
http://iquotewho.com/graphics/rip-re...-be-missed.png
Last edited by Noodle; June 1st, 2010 at 12:47 AM
Blacketh, 'The raging of tidal waves were peaceful & still,' from that line down this piece was dope as fuck. But I have to point out that personally (don't know if others would agree, it's personal preference) before that line I had to force myself to continue. I'll happily say that i'm happy I pushed myself because after that line the pace picked up and I enjoyed every word posted on my computer screen. Dope concept indeed. Smooth flow. A lot of dope as fuck lines. The third and fourth stanzas just swallowed me bro. Some dope as shit for sure. Started off slow, building the storyline. Nice build up, but like I've said, real slow.
Noodle, as I said in the Chat Thread bro. Use it to your advantage. And you did it. I'm sorry again about your loss. But that aside, it's time for business to pick up my friend. This entire piece, line for line, was emotionally deep. There wasn't a single portion of this that had me thinking 'well, that could've been different.' Everything was dead on in my opinion. The stanzas were ended at as solid stop. Flow remained consistent from start to finish. The quotes were placed in some nice, welcoming places. I could ALMOST literally feel your pain in this piece bro. 'but that's not the case, every morning I was folding my hands' Dope as fuck line!
Close as fuck battle, but I'm naturally going to have to hand it to Noodle for the stronger piece. Both came dope as fuck, and this was well worth the wait.
Vote Noodle.
black- i love your writing compared to the last few great writers of rb your far more rhythmic than the others. I enjoyed the whole vision you displayed. Most time i feel that these environment pieces come off played but your piece was refreshing. the "brought the revelation to the land without a galloping horse line was sooooo dope just a good meta I literally laughed when i read it which was awkward cause people were around me. Such fluidity in the piece i felt though that the transition from the 2nd stanza to the 2099 stanza wasn't that great but the rest was flawless . I expected i very sound technically dope battle here and i felt it would come down to topic and i felt it was dope lets check noodle
noodle:Fuck YOU man i came here thinking after reading blacketh verse that he had that shit in the bank. The story was fucking dope man i re-read like atleast 3 times to make sure i soaked everything in. It hit home so well. My only beef with it was some lines towards the end was that it got stretched but i can't complain about it because it not liek those lines were fillers the the I called the kettle the pot was LIKE DAMM. It's hard to pick now because Blacketh did have the better rhythmic piece and his take on the topic was good but noodles story was amazing yet lacked certain aspects of what i liked about blacks and vice versa
Vote-I got go with noodle man to be honest, it was more of a preference thing i could easily see myself giving this black another day depending on how i feel but for now gotta go with noodle even though i hate agreeing with dagel
Last edited by Extinctor Draconis; June 3rd, 2010 at 04:25 AM
De Kapitein
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Noodle's up 2-0. We'll let this pan out a bit more...trying to get a bunch more votes.
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
blacc. ur verse was fuccin dope sauce. the rhythem u used in ur verse was dope. around to middle everything picced up tremendously it was fuccin amazing. HOF if u drop it in OM easy. i see why u made it to the finals. u hade multis the story u had was creative and extensive it was real long so ur story really built with each line. it was overall great.
noodle last time u lost and went on hiatus...i kno why kno ur fucin been training like roccy but for the toppies lol. u fuccin came hard as shit. i thought u were gonna get beat again but nuunh the story that you brought in my eyes was better imo. no hate to blacc but i think that storytelling wise you got it. ur peice was more entertaining it stead of building up u just came with it., i think that u took it by a thread IMO
\\// noodle. great finals match...HOF of SS id say
~WV~
~IP~
It was a heated election,
when many people felt the earth needed protection.
Little did we know that it was freezing progression -
They had no choice but to teach us a lesson.
.. some were preaching prevention of cars & machines,
cause of smoky pollutants they often release,
even boycotting buses to walk in the streets,
until the “green” movements, slash marketing schemes.
While some called shenanigans, didn't hardly believe
these 'tree huggers', green peace were really closeted queens.
drove their H2's, smoked cubans, deposited steam,
cast their plastic six-packs to the water in streams.
atomic debris, bombs blasting in war zones
mushroom clouds grow from a casualties torn clothes.
scattered in morse code; the answers to warm holes
appearing in the atmosphere, while cancer absorbs slow.
we were dancing in worn soles - labeled it ‘climate change’,
storm patterns that hadn't been made since the primal age,
Al Gore got on the mic and they gave him the right-of-way,
The driving force, rockin “I hate Homo-Sapiens” license plates;
No more dependence on oil, electric rays into cyberspace,
solar power in the day, charged by radiant microwaves.
fucking dope set up. the series of images you conveyed in succession was more than enough to make up for the lack of a solid storyline. it got the job done in its place.. the license plate line, tree hugger, marketing scheme linse were all top notch.. flow was beautiful as well. back to the images. all were very accurate and each represented different parts of a world in need.. from people priveliged enough to be with cars to people to being bombed. very nice
The raging of tidal waves were peaceful & still,
“Go Green” was a phrase the global media drilled -
until our heads finally filled with a feeling of guilt,
for all of nature's creations our machinery killed.
awkward wording here. odd sentence structure kind of threw me off slightly
Our seasonal tilt shifted back to regular cycles,
next generation really felt it best to recycle,
the antichrist was bullshit, with respect to the bible
but there's still a chosen few, to whom the devil was vital.
good metaphor for the oil industry.
Protects their survival, one day from ashes He rose:
said “It's but a matter of time before humanity knows.”
the fossil fuel families spitting gases & coal
went bankrupt in transition 'til their factories closed.
These titans of industry once held massive control,
But with their power now obsolete, they vanished below ……
dope ending to the stanza.. left it open for interpretation, and well find out mroe as we continue... so far. flow is just nice as hell
i thought the quote was a good interstitial to keep the flow of present to the future moving smoothly..
Nature prevailed before all of our eyes,
found a cheap way to desalinate the water supply,
Rainforest regrew, no toxins bothered the skies,
the Green movement sent mama earth a positive vibe -
aint let politics die, there's still corruption & greed,
and starvation worldwide, forever suffering breeds,
but something had eased: the wars in the middle east,
[B]thought these two schemes were too similiar and it sort of fucked wit hthe meter.. your series of images type storytelling is workign very nicely though[B]
the western world was finally afforded a little peace.
the source of electricity had shifted dramatically,
since the human race was no longer addicted to gasoline,
i liked this line
got rid of the plastic sea, alas, too great to be true
liked plastic sea too
since nobody knew the position that our fate had assumed.
This civilized time line was long forsaken & doomed,
Cause no environmental movement ceases nature's pursuit.
after a reread, this line makes more sense in context. another solid way to end the piece
They came in the night -
a silver-lined aurora cloud, bathed in aqueous light,
humming to the melody of Satan's delight.
Shadow being, fangs sharper than the blade of a knife,
leading brigades of suited men, faces shaded from sight,
i assume the oil companies are returning.. dope, morbid, imagery
in every nation alike, they marched like crashes of thunder,
can of gas in one hand and a match in the other.
i like the image of a whole army carrying these things in each hand.. poignant.
masking their hunger for the order of mankind,
exploding on the scene with the force of a land mine,
outsourced for the last time - they've marketed change,
but a few must protect the earth's penultimate phase.
Real nature is re-generation, no pause during play,
for a new earth to emerge, this one must start to decay.
flow stumbled a bit since my last bolded interstitial.. story progression is very nice.
These former oil tycoons, the masters of war,
once controlling the commodity most battles are for,
dumped their product into oceans, black splashing the shore,
one single night, a thousand years worth of damage restored.
Smashed the panels, then went after what the panels absorbed -
once again, the series of scattered images got the job done.. covered a lot of ground in each line
Brought revelation to the land without a galloping horse.
Civilization has a pattern, and the pattern was torn
once the first man resolved to stop gassing his ford.
set in place since the second that our planet was formed,
Mankind aint forever - But chaos is everlasting & more.
As valleys were torched, fresh forests burned to the ground,
the world just kept turning and turning around …
Birds in the clouds witnessed global recharge,
fumes blocking solar power with the glow of the stars.
the people would awaken to the smokiest fogs,
leaving hardly any energy for owners of cars;
a lot of focus on solar power around here.. which causes the nation to revert back to their oily ways
the government would panic, no one knowin the cause -
grab blankets as the landscape takes on a frozen visage,
They need heat as the sleet starts to snow in the Fall,
and then it's not hard to guess who their going to call.
the protectors.. very nice. i liked the irony in the title.. they hurt our well being just so they can protect us
Species are destined to decline when civilizing begins,
as Nature takes it's course and starts the cycle again.
and a nice little moral at the end.. you always do this with your pieces.. sneak something in to give it a more personal feel. here, its still on a grand scale, but relateable nonetheless...
Noodle
was like yesterday, but really it was over a week
the phone rang, I answered - I felt immobile and weak
they told me to speak, the shock had me broken and creased
folded at every inch as tears would roll on my cheeks
but I remained calm, grabbed my father to stay strong
told the story, but it only fueled my eyes like a napalm
my heart was an a-bomb, internally wrecked
good napalm/abomb references.. kept an extended metaphor sort of thing going.. you felt like a battlefield. very nice
purposely let go in order to insure me of death
trees fall, tears fall, but the strongest alive
never have the right of way, it's feeling wrong to survive
follow the vibe, I get moved, but my hope doesn't
that explains what it was like, I'm used to the old crutches
no rushing through the surgery, no budget at all
she's feeling like a ton of bricks before they rumble and fall
don't wonder at all, passion wasn't hard to be seen
I'd rather take in all her burden than be part of the league
said it's retarded to think, but love is ending obscure
cause arrows always find a match, yet there's never a cure
guess it's secure, tired, but her face is sublime
I say they had to wait to treat her cause the way that she shines
radiating stronger than an angel, divine
the sky wasn't that close, but there's a vacancy sign
this was a dope line.. so far the flow is nice and the similes and emotion are solid
had to tell her "hang on" as she noted the light
then I dreamt about perfection and I hoped it was right
strong closing lines. not much to say but good emotion, flow, and a few solid similes
she's a fighter like her prowess demands
they had to crystallize the glass to find an hour of sand
as I scoured the land, waiting with the towel in hand
I couldn't give up on the purpose cause the tower? I am!
i didnt really like the whole i am the tower thing with her.. it was worded sort of awkwardly but i get how your a part of your mother and all
devour the plans, a label was a casket's disguise
her eyes set upon the table like a mattress of cries
doctors surpassed it, make me an example of lies
tell me everything's ok...how "you're glad that she's fine"
tell me "structures bend, but they never break"
good segway from one stanza to the next,with juxtaposed quotes
and if rest awaits, the bed will find me just to help me catch the weight
stress debates with me, I can't argue the facts
times get tougher while the play becomes as hard as I act
part of my mask, anger led my heart to the black
and though my body's been a temple it's still starting to crack
the temple thing was kind of simple, but i appreciate the church line thats right next to it
been to church, never hurt, feel the test will get worse
roots deeper than my blood...neither quenching the thirst
deceptive - and even if it's under the will
it's like this house just ain't a home if there's another to build
I keep searching every floor, mind battling soul
but then I end up in the middle as it rattles my bones
so my skeleton is gelatin, my skin be the leather
kind of eh on the whole skin be the leather.. the way you worded it.. it did help the flow a bit but still
give me the weather, so the wind will always lead us together
nice
free-falling into promises, trauma reaching my sleep
reaping the benefits? no, there's gotta be a reason I keep
now it creeps up on me like a ghost in a shell
thought ghost in the shell was more forced for rhyme then it is for actual meaning. i got the ghost part but the whole glitch in the matrix connotation i get from the actual phrase seemed unneccessary
one shot, but two blanks as there's devotion that tells
emotion wells up the wisdom in a moment of hell
cause it's atrocious and the motion's losing focus as well
crazzzzy flow in these three lines nice sir
hope for the best..."yes, you're coming home with the fam"
but that's not the case, every morning I was folding my hands
i saw a few voters realllly liked this line, and i really cant find a reason to like it so much lol. just a standard image that goes well with the flow of the story IMO
praying God would come find her minus coroner vans
she said "don't worry 'bout me" behind the 'podium stand'
the church/podium image was nice... coroner vans was cool too
her age denied signals, heart scraping the clouds
a breath of fresh air, the silence isn't changing it now
blanketed, mumbled curses are the blankest of sounds
full of hatred - now they reach the range of the drowned
good wording through all this section
yes, the tears are the river, whether murky or dark
cause the crimson was the cancer that was burning the spark
hurting the art, pictures couldn't mention her name
I learned to talk in every essence, couldn't let it refrain
insane, our lives make an instant change
meter switched up right here, flow fucked up.. good art/pictures double-meta tho.. tears and crimson/river burning spark was kinda simple though
certain issues present themselves like a gift exchange
resistance claims faith, but it seems to persist
through a Stroke of genius where we all should Seize to exist
corny... lol
bleeding a wish, one night in this veteran's cell
the blades always chopped my knees between a heaven and hell
cause I'm upset and I trembled just to settle for 'not'
the pot called the kettle black, I called the kettle the pot
level the notch just to keep the balance intact
count on me to count to three before I counter-react
bouncing me back to reality, it's morbid as fuck
morbid as fuck? really? come on...
storing this love inside my core until I tore the shit up
notice the luck with no chance, not even roulette
said I reminded her of Jesus...and the reasons He wept
religiopus overtones always accentuate emotion well.. nice
cleaning what's left while leaving every vision a blur
her time was up, but the world wasn't finished with her
.. sorry about mother noodle.. strong emotion. but time to decide this bitch
OK...
.... this is fairly easy for me to decide. As far as topical's go, while not meaning to disrespect Noodle which I feel like most of the league is afraid to do, an Ode to a dead family member is simply played, to be honest. Right now, I'm honoring the disconnect between an actual topical written and the real-life events we know about and hear about outside of Noodle's singular written in this thread. The flow was dope, but as far as storytelling skills go, It wasn't superior to Blacketh's. It was verrrry long, and most of the ground covered was how sad and broke up you are. As far as topicals go, not real life, topicals. Remember the previously mentioned disconnect between the two, that is simply not getting the job done in any level of competition. Now, emotion should be conveyed in a beautiful and poetic manner, not in what I thought was somewhat corny (seize, stroke.. also italics sort of were patronizing, at least to me), irrelevant (the kettle black line.. I just didnt understand that), and childish (morbid as fuck......... *speechless*). Now, that's not to say this was a bad piece. Some nice lines were in there, such as the a-bomb/napalm line, and the coroner van/podium stand bit. However, there was a lot of filler. The flow and meter were organic, precise (for the most part, i pointed out maybe two flaws in the flow the whole time.. nice for such a long piece), and littered with complex schemes.
Blacketh, on the other hand, came very correct. The overall concept was far more original, and his rapid-image flow storytelling was signature of him, and executed well. Right off the bat, Black trumps Noodle handily in concept and in storytelling. Both had marvelous flow and mechanics, but in the end, I just was bored by Noodle repeating himself in different ways, and in the somewhat unpolished in certain places manner that he did.
When one concept overtakes another so handily, the vote comes easy for me.
It's the disconnect.
v- blacketh
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Not sure if I can vote and if it will count or not, because I was not in this league - but who cares, I'm here to leave feedback regardless.
Noodle - I lost my mom in 2006 to cancer so I could relate to this. Let me start with what I felt was the mpq (most powerful quote) of your submission.
That could sum up the entire situation in my personal experience. I have respect for you because I could never write about the situation myself, there was just nothing that I could ever say to feel complete. I felt that you had a lot of great imagry, although I did have a problem with many of your lines. You would start with a very well put together first line, but then you would close the bar up with an unsatisfactory second line that did not reflect the insinuating theme of the bar. That, and I felt that the couplets, in some cases were not of contextual value. The words were too gloomy and simplistic for a verse of such magnitude in some cases.radiating stronger than an angel, divine
the sky wasn't that close, but there's a vacancy sign
The overall style of this submission, with the ocassional insertion of classical songs from the past really helped to propel a uniform emotion. That is what is hard to acheive in such an emotional verse. Most writers are all over the place, a plether of mixed thoughts that have no connections. I admire the fact, in which you kept your emotion uniform and connected to a somewhat exact degree. Again, there were times when the verse had felt like rambling statements amongst ideas with fiery potentials. In closing, I rate your writing in this final an 8.75/10 and your emotional connection to me the reader a 9.25/10. Very emotionally toned work with an imbedded metaphor that I found a little simplistic, but more or less appealing.
Mr. Death - Well, I would like to open with, excellent futurism - I enjoyed the theme of this submission. On a Ritualistic note, let's start with the mpq.
Beautiful. I feel as if this brings together the entire theme of the writing into one quotation. This is what I encourage writers to do, make every line like this one and you've got yourself a legendary submission. An exact manifestation of the thesis in a story, manipulated at different stages of the storyline. I felt that the beginning of this was not as well written as the ending. It's as if you always need a rolling start to your work. This time, the transitionary period in the writing was well done, in contrast to the Open Mic I left feedback on.As valleys were torched, fresh forests burned to the ground,
the world just kept turning and turning around …
Now, I felt as if the structure was better than Noddles, you kept everything at a very good meter and sylable. Though, and this is another thing I see writers do too frequently - your multi-rhymes in some facets of the story felt as if they were filler and did not add very much to the whole of the story and theme. At other points of the work, I felt you were reiterating too much. Outsourcing to the media in too much of a generalistic tone. Be more unique. As fitting, I found that as you progressed everything became a lot more unique, and this did save you some points. In conclusion, I feel as if the cyclic system of chaos and rebirth in life was well represented in this piece, the structure and imagry was well done but there were still some quirks to be dealt with in the future of your writing. Namley, the slow rolling start that did not weigh up to the second and third parts, and some wording and rhyming that was ill fitting. Although, I rate your writing in this submission a 9.35/10 and your emotional connection to me the reader an 8.50/10.
Tallying up the scores.
Noodle - 8.75 + 9.25 = 18/20
Mr. Death - 9.35 + 8.50 = 17.85/20
My vote is Noodle. Excellent final & keep writing.
First off, this is a great match. Regardless of what my expectations were. I hoped for more than this for some reason... but it was still a NICE fuckin' battle. That right there alone says something about your levels of talent imo... good shit.
Black... great piece. All aside from (in my opinion) the concept. The idea and premise behind the entire read sort've lacked for me. The beginning of the read came off like some "I love nature, save the planet" documentary in rap form... All the shit you've been writing this season, the constantly impressive pieces with the amazing concepts... and the one concept I DID not enjoy from you happened to be the damn champ match..
BUT... aside from the okay concept, the rest of this piece was just awesome.. flawless wording. flawless flow. great development for what it was. the ending verse was actually my favorite because it really picked up and started to go in a more interesting direction on the concept.. I liked this a lot:
These former oil tycoons, the masters of war,
once controlling the commodity most battles are for,
dumped their product into oceans, black splashing the shore,
one single night, a thousand years worth of damage restored.
Smashed the panels, then went after what the panels absorbed -
Brought revelation to the land without a galloping horse.
Civilization has a pattern, and the pattern was torn
once the first man resolved to stop gassing his ford.
set in place since the second that our planet was formed,
Mankind aint forever - But chaos is everlasting & more
that whole part was nice... matter fact, this entire piece was great. my problem with it was just that your idea here wasn't good enough for me. It wasn't interesting to me personally. I got to the end of the read like "okay, boo-hoo" lol... you just happened to hit on a subject that I'm neutral on.
Noodle... now, the fact that I and everyone else here knew what you were going to write about before you wrote it really took away from the piece.. but that seems to be my only problem/flaw with this... the concept was average.. just like blacks. but the way it was executed and the emotion that was put in really brought a new side of you up to the plate. I feel like we read something from a whole different Noodle.. we got to know you a little more as a person and the way you feel about certain things. The ideas inside this were nice. I love, love, loved the "stroke of genious/sieze the day" line... dunno why, it was just good for me. Mechanics of the read were great. evenly matched with black. great flow. but I think where you got him on this... was emotion. the power behind what you had to say was immense... it was raw emotion and thought, and also the most likeable quality about the read.
certain issues present themselves like a gift exchange
resistance claims faith, but it seems to persist
through a Stroke of genius where we all should Seize to exist
bleeding a wish, one night in this veteran's cell
the blades always chopped my knees between a heaven and hell
cause I'm upset and I trembled just to settle for 'not'
the pot called the kettle black, I called the kettle the pot
level the notch just to keep the balance intact
count on me to count to three before I counter-react
favorite part... I didn't have a problem with the loose talk and the realness about this piece like some voters did. I was actually more into it. I don't believe you need to be poetic to write a good topical. So to me, the entire piece was sound mechanically... and brilliant emotionally...
Black, I have honestly never voted against you this entire season... but for some reason, I got done reading these pieces two times each and just felt that I had to this time. I expected to come in here... read a brilliantly written piece of work from both of you... which, I did... it was just the interest factor that made this match clear for me. I loved reading both pieces as far as the flows and the wording went.. but I was only into the concept on one... soooo.. I gotta give it to 'em...
vote Noodle... in a great match, and a very unexpected victory. I think maybe I underrated him before coming into this match, and maybe slightly overrated blacketh as well. But both of you are great writers and both of you are gettin' paid for this match. thanks for the reads.
Noodle wins 5-1 and s crowned this seasons champion. Congratulations to you both.
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
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