Modesty of the Eyes.

[TheSoundMind]

----

epically drastic, my mind is so spastic when it sees she combats it, thats it for them, and thats all that they need, my heart is what they will feed

remind myself in my misery as my darkness goes it will miss me, truly befits me, it hates me and spits on me fully, so cruelly

gloomy eyes, when they told us no lies, they told us to realize that phantoms have spies that get you to look with your eyes, in place of modesty cries

i defined myself in my own mind, i knew what i seen and i knew I was blind i told you my struggle, as it was designed, yes its confined...

illusion delusionatic, psycho fanatic, ecstatic descriptive of my automatic, subtract it and add it to enact it

shadows where light should be, so blind they are free to see, for us too see these things that we do, objects that we knew, so cold we regret what we do

my eyes can see what you see not, visions so milky, their flesh is so silky, left alone to do what they do and in the end they will rot

we are how we are and in the end we get what we earn, we yearn for the best of the deeds and we hope we planted the best of the seeds, we hope

----

[note] This is only 8 lines, but each one has 35 syllables, I hope that's enough, its my standard format.

Feeds:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...52#post7420052

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...62#post7420062

[Bruklor]

It could have made it just the way you typed it out, and made it a bit different, but I liked that. I like to see someone writing things like these see it. Not following the branded pattern of things. I strongly emphasize the use of capitols though.. It might make things a little easier to read.

One of the things I didn't like, was this:
i knew what i seen
things like that throw me off all the time.

[TheSoundMind]

Well, that statement is referring to a past tense. "I knew". Though, I'm by no means a grammarian. Like "back then I knew so and so". I don't know, it sounds fine to me. As for how its written, its written as I would rap it. If a beat has 40 steps, the rap has 35 syllables [one for each step] with a 5 step break to breath in. Yeah, its meant to be said rather fast. Listen to a song by Moby called "Alice", the first verse is the style I am going for.

Just for clarity, what did you not like about that line?

[Bruklor]

Well, since I'm reading it, it should have been "i knew what I've seen"

I'm not saying change the way you WANT to write on account of me, I'm just telling you how I perceived it, that's all.

[TheSoundMind]

Ooooh, yes, I've, of course. I'll add that now actually Thanks for catching that for me. I didn't notice it. I thought you mean my use of the word "knew" as opposed to "know".

[TheSoundMind]

Bumping