Dimly Lit Cafe

[Dayvid Aimz]

Its just me in this dimly lit cafe
Tucked away into a corner of anonymity
Nothing scares me I'm here writing
About life, about girls I like that don't like me
I write about fantasies and romance
I hold hands with my pen
We walk through the dense forest:
Of my thoughts
So many layers and foregrounds
I'm going to take my mask off now
Its just me in this dimly lit cafe
No aloof waitress to serve me
Coffee cakes or pies or lies
I insure promptness from myself
A little food for thought, some wine
Me and my MGMT Cd with electric feel
Walking through that dense forest
Of my thoughts

Lil' Wayne Killed Hip-Hop by Truth
Hello, you know by Stock

[Spoken Deity]

i like short reads like this...
I'd fix the waitress/waitresses line...But this was fun to read. Okay imagery, direction was interesting, structure was fitting. Although i'd find a more dark, creative picture.
SO ya, keep it up

[P. Mortuus]

Hmmm...this was good...it read well to an extent and didn't have too many problems. Though, it could have been slightly more darker, it seemed on the verge of becoming something but never evolved so to say. Anyhow, the main thing you should work on is making the lines more vibrant/thought provoking, a dimly lit cafe should have been explored much more.

[abiona]

^word.

i love short pieces that pack power in each line. when you arent drawing out your images, each line needs to be strong.

like here:

Nothing scares me I'm here writing
About life, about girls I like that don't like me
I write about fantasies and romance

you could have done more with, rather than being so literal. would have been a good opportunity to really get into your head.

I hold hands with my pen
We walk through the dense forest:
Of my thoughts
So many layers and foregrounds
I'm going to take my mask off now

those lines really stuck out to me. particularly the last one there.

enjoyed the approach... and the piece as a whole. short pieces are my favorite