Alone

[Rein Ryder]

Alone

My mind, my body isn’t my control
my heart is ripped out and it took my soul
it’s dripping with my faint exhaustion
gone and with the hole repaired
my soul can never be one with the eyes I stare
alone. My life is detached from the life within,
but then I can smile again

for years I smile again,
happy thoughts with enjoyment I smile again
but then I see that face then I'm empty and alone
Locked in the chambers of my deepest fears on my own
yet I say it aloud for everyone to hear
but shocked with grief I’m silent again
with heavy wheezing I’m alone again,,,

I reach for the one that I need
she parts for my heart that pleads
then I take the inhaler and get my last two breaths
think of what to say, then my mind clears as I see her eyes
the anger and the loneliness in my life clears as I close
into the end of my sorrows, I tell her
its you, [its always been you]
(never has it changed its always been you)

white face stricken ice into his heart
into the glaciers and out in one start
life chose my destiny,
and this is what happened
I’ve always been
and in the future always will be

alone

cold and alone
I'm the king of my throne
but yet I'm somehow alone
in power with no one to hear
I command myself to go
just go into the night
if I wake my eyes into the morning light
then ill keep quite and out of sight...

[Rein Ryder]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...rt-375037.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...me-376934.html

[Rein Ryder]

15 views and not a feed?

[David P]

This was an ok piece, imagery i think could have been
a little more polished, but the flow was good,
the vocab wasn't as high as it should have been IMO
and the word choices weren't that good either.
but Keep writing.

-AG

[CALIPH80]

^agreeded.your imagery was not as good as it could have been.you seemed to sometimes focus on making the words rhyme or flow toghther and missed out on what really matters and thats bringing the picture of what you feel to the mind of the reader which happens to be me here.you did o.k on showing glimpses but you never seemed to really get going.it feels as if your holding something back and thats a big mistake as far as poetry is concerned.

[Spoken Deity]

i'll be honest.
Stop writing with rhyme scheme. writer shorter stuff aswell. You just didnt bring me in and get me excited at all. Alot of imagery was played, some of it useless and unimportant to the point of the piece.
You've got alot of potential as a writer if you'd read some doper heads, talk to some elite poets on the site, and have them take a look at your poems before you drop.
I'd gladly do it for you...PM P.Mortuus as well, he MIGHT help you.
Thanks man... Hit my sig and read the constructive feedback... You'll get a better picture of some well thought out poetry.

[Rein Ryder]

thnx spoken deity, yah i tried dropping out the ryhmes. but yah i see what yuo guys mean thnx for the feed.

[abiona]

agreed with the rhyme comment. thats what i noticed first while reading... felt a bit choppy in places... like you were trying to keep some lines in the same rhythm but fell short on others. also felt it constricted what you were saying.

i think you have a good start here that could be cleaned up... strip down the language and strengthen some of the images so that they stand out more. especially with the topic and approach you are taking... a more stark landscape as far as wording is concerned will definitely add to the feelings you are portraying. i see where you are goin, just felt sidetracked a little as i tried to get there with you.

[Rein Ryder]

thnx a lot abiona, will try to,