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Thread: Cold As Hail.

  1. #1

    Cold As Hail.

    Cold As Hail.






    You see the cape in the gusts; lust
    for death as he must- wing his fate
    and the string of life has been cut
    the scythe is long, at the end is a blade
    now referred to as the ice sickle
    Drenched in hate, trying to wash it off
    The ice falls, no way to rinse guilt
    from the heart, brain, and body
    though your brain controls your
    body and heart but, with a heart
    you are death; without a brain
    but then death doesn't not have
    a body, heart, or brain he is just
    himself, no skin to be as the sky
    grows pale; it is cold as hail
    The cubes drop into the devil's
    tea cup, where his demons swim
    Fog forms around the rim
    where his lips have been
    Drinking the souls, Death as
    his dog, fetch the ones who
    side with me; you and I can see
    it is as Cold As Hail-
    The truth lies, beneath.
    Now as the cubes fall
    in purgatory; where is he,
    Death? in the garden of death
    Where all of the dead flowers
    are black and white, like ash
    gray, white, black hearts
    dim in the mist as we fade
    away from our sins today
    who are we to say we are free
    3rd world country, reduce three?
    zero, tolerance to the authority
    What is authority? if they are
    not in charge? a fruad to the only
    God, whether believed in or not
    Life story has no plot; so we jot
    dots on the paper; with apricot
    the fact of the matter is we rise
    we now fall; the biggest fear of
    them all; is the rabbit that stands near




    Believe what you see, ignore what you hear.

    Life is Cold As Hail when you're alone, isn't it?



    Open Minded.

    Gold

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    Re: Cold As Hail.

    interesting attempt at an artistic piece
    from a critical view i thought some of the punctuation was off, and a few lines were too wordy, giving a jumbled effect,
    also felt the poem cuddda been broken down into a few smaller stanzas
    u had a few gramatical errors, - which made me think you needed some extra editing to straighten this piece out
    part from that i thought this was very creative, and had heavy emotion behind it

    pz1
    .................................................. ......................

  4. #4
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: Cold As Hail.

    this was an interesting piece overall. i thought it was really repetitive at times especially in the beginning. sometimes the word choices seemed simple but throughout it was good, by word choices i meant the vocab. the grammar was good. the imagery was decent, it could have been a little more creative though there were some really cool parts i liked. overall this was a pretty good piece, just a few faults i picked out.

    rtf
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ut-368274.html

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: Cold As Hail.

    Well the first thing that stood out to me was the repetitiveness,try to not repeat the same thing in different words that much my dude.Imagery was pretty decent you insert the right amount on top of a pretty nice picture so that gives you some brownie points.Emotion was also decent.Overall nice piece nothing special just a good read....sorry for the short amount of feed but now I'm pressed for time.Hit up this link under its my personal favorite so please rtf.


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...18#post6386418
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

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