1-877-America

[Ntalek]

I'm full.
My Belly aches.
The consumption of bullshit
has become overwhelming.
.
A years supply of meals
taken by ruthless rebels.
Graven to weaponry,
were the remains of
American gratitude.
.
Fixated eyes see not,
our village burning.
Nor, do thier optics
capture the hunger.
God only appears in
the form of bread.
.
Here, where enough is
as good as a feast
and hunger's befriend
by it's feeder.
.
While the hunger for love
more difficult to remove
than that of bread.
.

Your loose change serves no purpose.
Our schools turned to torture centers.
A haven for the rebels.


1-877-America

The publicity only brings genocide.
Upon your departure we are
murdered.
A high five to the devil himself.
There is no bread.


Stomach's moaning.
Starvation, Malnutrition.
The leading cause of death
aside from the rebels.
.
Husbands turned scavenger's.
The goats have died.
The well's dried up.
Crippling droughts
consistantly
killing our livestock.
.
There's nothing left to barter.
.
An undernourished population,
unable to digest advanced grains.
With no sense of self-worth or
ability to enhance one’s economic destiny.
.
One U.S. dollar.
Amounting to a nourished family.
The swiftness of divine retribution,
sent in golden grain form.
Has yet to cure our famine state.



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ve-365939.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...us-366189.html

[Ntalek]

links added..

[Ntalek]

ups..

[Orc]

I was disappointed by the fact that Ben noshowed, man. I think you wrote a really good piece here, the emotion was the main factor in the success of this, imo. I didn't like the font you used though man, mainly because it made your stanzas really short which was somewhat annoying. The message of the poem was cool too. I can't say you flipped the topic originally, the poem was what it was meant to be though, a poem to be taken at face value. And I really enjoyed the piece because of your wording.

RTF on my poem man.. my best yet! (About to post it)

[Compton.]

Time for some Dopey feed.

Ok, as I've told you man, this really was a Dopey piece. I really love the way you opened it, that stanza was really Dopey. Nice way to bring a reader in and want to keep reading on... Just a nice clever bit of wordplay right at the beginning really slaps the reader in the face and tells them that this is going to be a good read.

I disagree with Burd in the fact that I think the short stanzas (in the first section) work kinda well with this poem... Kind of reflects the impatience of the persona in the poem, at the end of their tether sort of thing. I think you should have carried this on throughout the whole poem, it seems some of the stanzas at the bottom appear to be a bit stretched in comparison to the top stanzas. While on this, I'd take the time to say I like the way you structured the whole thing, I really don't know why, but I found it cool nevertheless lol.

Like Burd said, you got some nice emotion across, and this really strengthened the words in your poem, which leads me onto the fact that sometimes your wording seemed a bit off, but they were minor errors that are pretty easy to fix. Maybe you did it on purpose? Hmm I dunno, but I think one of two words could be added here and there to make the lines make a bit more sense.

hmm, I think that's all for now. Nothing else I can point out for criticism... And all the other good points you already know na'mean? Really Dopey piece Dopey Sexy. The Dopey promise has been uphelp WOO.

[Orc]

Don't ever disagree with me again!

[Compton.]

Fuck you fuckface.

I disagree with never disagreeing with you again.

[Ntalek]

ups.