Looking for some outlook. Feedback is appreciated.

[Strapped Soldier]

It's a litte short cause I'm not finished with it but yeah.
I'm mainly just looking for some feeds on it.
Trash it or keep going with it...

With a heart full pride; A mind thats now cleansed and wise.
I'm determined to see to it that I rise.
If my attempt is a failure. Well atleast I can say that I tried.
I was told it was the limit so my aim is to the sky.
I was created when ambition and passion had collide.
So for all that bullshit people bring I cast em all aside.
I ain't tooting my own horn but I'm a blessing in disguise.
So I'll reveal myself when this journey meets its own demise.
You couldn't walk in my shoes because the shoes ain't your size.
The challenges I face dont make me quit just have to improvise.

[Lelouch]

Meh, go over it a couple times, try to make the lines
all the same length, and make it flawless, then keep going
with it.

[Strapped Soldier]

i hear i appreciate the look
not making excuses its just something i put together quick
i wasnt sure if i was feelin it or not
but i hear ya bro will def be taking it

[Roll]

its got some potentional...nothing groundbreaking, but could turn into something solid depending on how you follow it up.

my biggest point, which i say 2 alot of aspiring people is...cut out the useless words.

those extra i's n that's n shit like that, jus drop it theres no need for it, you can say the exact same thing but jus be more concise about it, plus it makes it flow better and hit harder when your not like i feel this so i did that...

everything in () can be taken out and still come across exactly the same.

[] means maybe taken out...


With a heart full pride; A mind thats now cleansed and wise.
I'm determined to see to it that I rise.
If my attempt is a failure. [Well] (at)least I can say (that) I tried.
(I was) told it was the limit so my aim is (to) the sky.
I was created when ambition and passion (had) collide.
So for all that bullshit people bring [I] cast em (all) aside.
(I) ain't tooting my own horn but I'm a blessing in disguise.
(So I'll) reveal myself when this journey meets its [own] demise.
You couldn't walk in my shoes because the shoes ain't your size.
The challenges I face dont make me quit just [have to] improvise.

this is how i'd lay it down...

With a heart full pride; A mind thats now cleansed and wise.
I'm determined to see to it that I rise.
If my attempt is a failure. least I can say I tried.
told it was the limit so my aim is the sky.
I was created when ambition and passion collide.
So for all that bullshit people bring, cast em aside.
ain't tooting my own horn but I'm a blessing in disguise.
reveal myself when this journey meets its demise.
You couldn't walk in my shoes because the shoes ain't your size.
The challenges I face dont make me quit, just improvise.


oh and you should drop the shoes line...its jus wack