West Philly

[the_origin]

livin a life of strife rep my hood 2 the fullest
bullets clips and pistols and niggas that come and git u
if u not careful walkin thru Philly's like a nightmare
its no escape for hustlas thug niggas is stuck rite here
so what is there 2 do but keep holdin
and follow how the game is unfoldin
and wonder if my friends will ever change the state of mind that they molded in
or how 2 stay sane inside them cells they corroding in
we was young niggas runnin the streets
now we older and we still here now we running the street
but the difference is now we do it 2 eat
its very easy poisining ya people when its feedin ya peeps
now i aint sayin its right but life is life
and livin is a bitch whether hustlin on suckin that pipe
poppin z's, shootin H or even snortin the white
packin gats, huggin the block or rockin the mic
anyway u look at it theres a factor thats bound 2 stop ya
thats y i stay hazed and full of vodka
i let niggas know if u tryna see me i will pop ya
pull the glock cock and break ya off somethin proper
see this is how we do in killadelf
u ride 4 ya niggas but dont die 4 nobody but self
i seen niggas pop from the pressure and body theyself
as i continue applyin pressure 2 stifle ya wealth

origin

[Roll]

out of the 3 pieces u dropped, i liked this one the most...

seemed to have a better flow on it then the other to and spoke more loudly.

anyway u look at it theres a factor thats bound 2 stop ya
thats y i stay hazed and full of vodka

^that was real smooth, i felt it

if u not careful walkin thru Philly's like a nightmare
its no escape for hustlas thug niggas is stuck rite here
so what is there 2 do but keep holdin
and follow how the game is unfoldin
and wonder if my friends will ever change the state of mind that they molded in
or how 2 stay sane inside them cells they corroding in

^this whole section i liked, but the one bar is way long...
try to cut down on some of the useless words


and wonder if my friends will ever change the state of mind that they molded in

instead of that try this,

so what is there to do but keep holdin
follow how the game is unfoldin
wonder if friends will change the state of mind they molded in

its much more concise and says exactly the same thing, plus would flow on any beat much better.

[the_origin]

thx 4 the feedback

[Vincent Maestro]

*this rhyme speaks the sad but truth reality of the streetlife.....

loved the concept but I must admit....you had little vocab or rhyme patterns...had no internal rhymes are technical Ambition......

I like that u chose a subject to write on unlike most newbs...a guy on here
calls hisself $MoneyMan$ use to just drop posts with no particular Subject..
You haven't done that you chose to write about streetlife.....
you just need to work on adding vivid imagery and better rhyme structures and Word it a little more poetically...even tho its a rap you can add poetic shit to it cause its in text y'know....use a lil Wordplay
Be creative and Fresh..........

*and to the more respected heads on the site you need to leave newbs more constructive criticisms instead of just bashing them if they don't write exactly like you*.............


They might not sound just like Engivale on their first drop that would be crazy for us to expect a newb is gonna come on here and have the technical prowess of a Witness or Mariah Noelle....

sorry for the long feed

[the_origin]

thx for the feedback