Heart Broken

[Narcicyst]

i'm the same rapper thats unpleasant
dubbin your back power like snapple records
green w's actin lessons
talkin bout my over exposure, memories filled
with your filth, these lines are harmony mills
over trees like canopys built
television anarchy, ill nomad with no homes like hispanics got killed
ozone... junk canisters built asthma market addict
Narcicsyt manic, obsessive mammal recissive genes like Simmons
to be seen and swimmin, scenes us in homeostatus
28 ounces, Romeo papers are wrote back to dates that provoked
urgin to fix reactions, scratch like bein allergic to Vicks...
bang sea urchin with sticks...over oceans miss the slur
a hundred and two hard years for Christopher Columbus now i'm here
missed a few titles, as we got stuck in the cycle
pilgramage movements, blind images proven to give us illusions


hand massage, thumb pressure point, sand mirage
writing life bombs, night drawn picture perfect painted
this purpose is ancient
before servants and slaves ever heard of implacement
the power thru words are a statement
disturbs creation, plus attacks against self like Kurds gettin vaporized for worshipping nations
waited on the date file, callin thankin the Father for this bond
like Sean Connery, modeled site on this life that are bombs
fightin tonight eye and eye, talk all that you want
felt the lifeless of calm, hit the lights like flys frying, life and thats all...
natural, despite the half assed masters that be after you
sandal head rap, split each other's paths in two
embaressed to lessen my wrath of life...Islamic calms
mics alarmed, type to dark your mind and thoughts on you like Salam

centuries peak, when we speak it enters me deep
injury levels are higher states, embezzeled to buy a fate
to dire straight, let the fire wait
burn for eternity, learn to enternally yearn, scournin me beyond...
built on ponds, strong, less than plans
thats pride talkin, my eye's hammer the flesh of man
i never felt this before, encaved in like Osama, with bombs meltin the core
my moms used to kick it, felt it, manure
i write shit, to help that it would soar
before this life gets frightening
simply we should think like letters in Koran writting
for better or worse, far or less our addresses are tangled
from doors to bed up messages unraveled...travelled sand dunes over disgressive
holdin the essence close...energy transits from the soul
mesh and roll
move Jupiter's child like Stephen Wolfe
Narcicyst's nostrils breathe up like Heaven's poll
you need the restitude.....


i know it's a bit choppy but thats how i wanted to be...if you dont mind please give me some feedback on this one...

Narcicyst/Charlton Teston/The Narcel/L-Lips Testly/

[Narcicyst]

someone give feedback please..i wanna know if i should change my style a little bit

[Orikle]

Yo dogg, half of the stuff I read just seemed like jibber like really made no sense at all, and yo need to work on your rhyming and flow patterns, you have used good vocab though, just try to be a bit clearer on what yo sayin next time. I mean, there aint nothin wrong at all wit bein complex but sometimes people miss the whole aim of bein complex and it just turns into meaningless points. Nah what I'm sayin dogg? Sure y'all keep improvin from that..

Peace Out Yo!!!!

[Narcicyst]

tahnks for that feedback dunny....you should check out the track i made to that rhyme it is amazin...you can find it in the audio section

[Alias-C]

yo was up Narcicyt? yo I this here was pretty decent, but I've seen alot better from u... decent rhymes, some things just didn't make sence, and at points it seemed like it was going nowhere...
The flow was aight... vocab as usually pretty nice...
Yo u can do better then this man come on... oh and if you get a chance peep my joint I posted on that gettin' slept on thing...

Oh yo I read what you said about posting like 7 rhymes and getting almost no replies... yo man, I think you should post one or at the most 2 joints at the same time in the same forum, then wait for some replies... once that's taken care of, post your other ones... see it's like that physics shit... heard the one about the marvels and the hole? put one or two... they got through the hole... put a whole bunch of them in... they clutter... not one goes in... lol!!!!!!!!!! is this making sense... cats bout to quote me now... lol... peace

[The 13th Apostles]

Constructive Critisism:

1. Vocab...

~Needs elevation....not alot, just enough to livin up the verses you write...

2. Flow...

~Not bad...but your lines are either to long, or to damn short...lol

Maximum: 16 syllables
Minimum: 13 Syllables

3. Structure...

~See "2. Flow"...

4. Overall talent...

~This verse was descent, not the greatest, but not the worst either, just work on the key elements listed above...

6/10

Stay Spittin...

P.e.a.c.e.

[Narcicyst]

thanks for the replies...i need this kinds feedback to elevate and shit...good lookin out..one

[MSC]

That Was Aight...
U Didn't stay on point much....
but good use of vocab...

[unifire]

yo dogg u gota get straight to the point, most ppl on rb only reply to pieces that are 'short'.. not all but "most"
try n compress ur direction of wats happening in shorter form..
sought of like a poem with its compression.. but not a 'poem'
but the topic was unoriginal, not saying dont do popular topics, just that more ppl view the pieces with originality.. almost everyone does this mistake, and some flow wasn't in shape or maybe i just couldn't see it .. keep spittin
peace out...