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Thread: Merry Goes Life

  1. #1
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    Merry Goes Life

    A small babe was a-standing
    On blades of grass so fresh and green.
    Before him stood a carousel--
    To ride it was his dream.
    He stepped aboard the platform
    And mounted his chosen horse;
    He flicked the reigns quite gently,
    And life began it's course.
    He aged then as he rode it,
    Changing horses once or twice;
    But the music kept the same tune--
    He knew not by whose device.
    He always laughed as poles moved upward,
    But cried when they came down;
    And, of course, he did get dizzy
    From spinning all around.
    And when the sky grew gray
    And the ground was brownish-yellow,
    The music concluded it's haunting tune,
    And there appeared a fellow.
    "Time to dismount your horse, m'boy,"

    He said with a pleasing grin.
    "I've come to take you home with me
    And let you ride again."
    The now-grown boy got off his horse
    And examined his carousel--
    Once adorned with jewels and splendor,
    It crumbled now and fell.
    The boy bowed his head in silence,
    The old man by his side;
    As they walked into the distant moon
    To begin another ride...


    ~ Costance Sense ~
    Last edited by Constance; November 26th, 2006 at 11:42 PM

  2. #2
    artist - writer - muse gémeaux's Avatar
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    I never tripped up once when reading this, you've got a nice rhyme scheme. The metaphor worked well for you, but I can't help thinking it's been done before. Breaking up the stanzas the way you did works well two, showing childhood, adulthood and old age individually, and then put emphasis on that by aligning them differently. All in all, a really good piece.

  3. #3
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    thanks for the feed

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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    uppin please leave feed peoples

  5. #5
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    i like this style.. I really haven't been one who was much for poems but your shits pretty hot. Keep up the good work. i'ma be reading more of your stuff
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  6. #6
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    yo this was very nice...you have a really good rhyme scheme...your vocabulary is excellent too....i couldn't really pick out anything that was forced in this poem but the flow of this piece alone made me want to keep reading it....and you only 15? damn...talented...i also noticed you didn't sway off your topic...good job...keep up the good work....9/10....peace.

  7. #7
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    this was a nice piece here though the fact that you rhyme at the end is coo la nd all. it makes it some what easier for another reader to elaborate i guess.... though to me it just holds a person back from what it could turn out to be in complexity ya know... the vocab was a bit simplistic but it was ok.. th emetaphors were nice... some were kinda iffied but it was still good though try getting more into your piece with emotin and your content try more of a multie metaphor approach and get more metaphorical in some areas that could really tip this piece off ina sense ya know...iight?
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    bump

  9. #9
    Wickedous Lupes Mauvais Loup's Avatar
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    this was a decent piece, an easy read, the wording was good, the rhyme skeme was basic, the flow was on point, the description and detail were adequate giving some imagery, i really didn't catch any metaphores if there were any, but w/o them this was still a fairly good piece of work, keep it up fam
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    Damn Con...you really nailed this one....the flow was on point....ya syallable count was damn near perfect causing this piece to flow as it did..I loved the topic you chose here...and h ow you played it...I could vision a child on a carousel just riding and grinning....then I could picture a older man on a carosuel doing the same thing...I like how you ended it with them going to take another ride as the carosuel of life has ended...and now they go somewhere else for a better and longer ride...overall nice shit...man I knew you was nice wit da poems but not this nice...


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  11. #11
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    thanks fams i appreciate that anlot, feed like that kind've uplift me, I wish this forum was like the om area then I'll be posting ish 24/7

  12. #12
    Stephen F. Mayfield Stephen Mayfield's Avatar
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    flow was amazing, i really enjoyed it......the storytelling was pretty phenonmenal too, good read man...i could actually picture the whole thing as i was reading it.

  13. #13
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    to me, poetry is more about feeling than flow. and sometimes when i read some of your lines, it felt like you were just rhyming and it wasn't what you wanted to really say. i think, if it doesn't fit ..and you don't like it, but you really want it to rhyme ..you need to be rewording some shit. you do really good as it is ..your topic was original for me, more of an emotional piece than anything though. i wasn't really imagining anything when i read this except people speaking to each other and horses. so basically, the image here wasn't that well thought up. BUT, if this was meant to be poetic and emotional more than imaganitive, than you did well. keep writing, decent read.

  14. #14
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Merry Goes Life

    Closed.
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