Untitles (please read)

[Laureate]

this is a piece my friend did...she's a helluva writer but embarassed to post for people...so she asked me to post for her...please welcome her with dope critiques and responses...its a nice quick key by her


Loves demise has come to my surprise
And shifted into two directions of lies
My soul, the one I wanted to marry
Is no longer there, im no longer carried
Into a blissful place of dreams and love
All has vanished, nothing left thereof
A masked man only existing in dreams
Is taking part of me, drifting in streams
I try to swim back but the current is strong
my strength is weak and fidelity is gone
Ive swam too deep and am trapped deep under
Tapped the root of a dream and made reality thunder
Ironic to say, I didn't want my dream to come true
All I really wanted was to forever be with you
Not just by your side every day of my life
But for you to look at me, want me as your wife
When I look in your eyes, I wish they were warm
I wanna make you feel as if your soul was reborn
Make love to me with passion and not lust
Get lost in our paradise, nobody but us
Shits so hard to explain, im far from the right words
Theres just something missing, like there is in this verse

[Mesmerize]

This was real deep, one of the most emotional quick keys i have read in a while....structure was great to be freewritten. Rhyme scheme was decent, there was a few lines that I thought was dope though. I like the ending to this, it was different than what i was expecting. To me this was a peice about being in love with someone but falling for someone else, not wanting to, but wasnt able to be helped. Seemed that the writer is really struggling with trying to make things work with her man but things dont seem to be working out the way she wants. Tis a shame shes shy to post it herself but I thought this was a really deep peice. Nice work, hope to see more poetry from you. Keep it up and good luck.

Peace,
Mez

[Mantra]

oops forgot to peep this...
i got to go to sleep now but i'll get it tomorrow

[sNoopfox]

Ye its a good poem...the ending is unresolved...to it puts the reader in the same prediciment as you...a lil frustrated!
I like how you've symbolized your struggle as swimming against a current.
Good peice. keep it coming.

[MicKing]

good poem
i was feelin it
g/j
ill be looking forward to reading
more poems by you

[Laureate]

^that...is fuckin pointless...dont reply yo poems if you jus post that shit

[Ever Dream]

wow... whoever your friend is, Lyric, tell them that they have a very very wonderful talent in writing poems... for a quick keyed poem, thats beautiful... its really really deep. actually this one for somereason, just caught my eye, and got my full attention really really quick, that just doesn't happen a lot with me. But yeah, awsome peice, emotion and imagery were really nice, and also, this is just a really nice well written peice over all!

.............fav part...........


Make love to me with passion and not lust
Get lost in our paradise, nobody but us
Shits so hard to explain, im far from the right words
Theres just something missing, like there is in this verse

^^I liked that part a lot because for one "Make love to me with passion and not lust
Get lost in our paradise, nobody but us" is something that would be the most real thing and it just doesnt often happen anymore.
for two "Shits so hard to explain, im far from the right words
Theres just something missing, like there is in this verse" thats not how you would expect the peice to end, and when it ended like that, it just makes the poem all that much better than you would think.... and its just one of those ways that make you think about what the real meaning is more than you mean to think about it...
Awsome poem!!!!

keep droppin




....bless

[Poetris]

Your friend is very talented with words...I'm not one to use profanity in my prose however I really enjoyed this piece...maybe because it hit close to home...nonetheless it is a beautiful piece. I don't understand why she would not want to post...I liked

"Ive swam too deep and am trapped deep under
Tapped the root of a dream and made reality thunder"

to me that was powerful. Your friend should be proud to post her work.

~Poe

[Foreshadow]

pretty nice but i dont have the time to reply because i'm late for something important..

[Laureate]

thanks everybody

[MagicMind]

that was awesome, very deep....that was probably the deepest poem i've read ( seein how i don't read many ) but its amazin...your friend got major talent