The World We Live In!

[Da RiPpA]

LETHAL INJECTIONS
NEEDLES, AND EVIL REFLECTIONS
ACCEPTIONS, PAINFULL REJECTIONS
WESTNILE, SARS AND MAD COW INFECTIONS
LOCTUS SWARM IN 1 DIRECTION
COVERIN A CITY, FOR MALE IRRECTIONS
LOVE HATES, BUILDS UP TENSION
VOODO, AND HUMAN DISECTION
CORRECTION, MURDER RULES MY SECTION
DEVILS MOVE SILENT WIT NO SENSE OF DETECTION
I SENSE DECEPTION, WIITH EVERY U.S PREDINTIAL ELECTION
NO SENTIMANTAL EFFICTION
SON OF GOD, PRAISE A MAN'S RESSURECTION
TAKE AFFERMITIVE ACTION, SOULS SUFFER IN REDEMPTION
TO MENSION, MAN IS BORN WITH AGRESSION
MOTHER EARTH IS TENISIN, SHE FELT TO MUCH BLOOD SHED IN A PENSION
REDIRECTION, DOUBLE PENETRATION
MURDERED SONS, MOM'S HALOUSENATIN
PRAYIN FOR RECCARNATION, STUCK LIKE A BOAT IN THE OCEAN WITH NO DESTINATION
SINGLE YOUNG MOTHERS TURN TO CRACK FOR DESPERATION
LIVES WIT NO DURRATION, BROKEN HOMES FROM CACUASIAN, BLACK TO ASIAN
CURROPTION RULES THE NATION,
DESTRUCTION IS A GOVERMENTS DECERATION
THANK GOD I TAKE ALL THESE SCARES AND TURN THEM TO A FEELIN OF GREAT SENSATION.........MY WEAPON IS PATIANCE

[Bounce]

We know you can ryhme word together, but you realy need to try to restrucutre this drop. Try to make the lines match in sylable count or length. Introduce different rhyme schemes instead of using the same over and over again, the peice gets repatative and draining after a while. This was very choppy and irradict in tone, as I had trouble reading it to the end. Anyone can trwo a bunch of words together, but that doen't produce a decent poem, I felt no emotion in this , partly because of the caplocks and overused rhyme scheme. Keep working on your elevation, as I am sure you can find a comfetable style and focus for your work.

~Bounce~

[Mesmerize]

I felt like maybe you concentrated more on rhyming than the emotion of it. Not a bad piece though, just try to put more emotion and imagery into it. To me rhyme scheme isnt that important but do try to keep your syllables even so it will flow better. Ive read some of your other stuff though and you've got potential. Keep it up....I know you will elevate

[Mesmerize]

I could use some more feedback on my latest piece.....hit me up, thanx

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=130612

[Bloom.Quist]

Easy to tell u didnt put as much emotion into this as you were capable of. Try to not focus on the rhyming and more on what you're trying to express. You can rhyme, but you dont need it to be like an alliteration, where every other word sounds alike. Try to draw out your emotion, and not focus on the structural qualities as much...