poetic torment

[Reeco]

Poetic Torment

I sit still, emotionless, empty, with a smile at the break of my mouth...
not taking breath, as if air was sin.
I feel a torment that’s darker than death, but light it still renders....
cancer is my poetic torment within.


I feel no need, to move from shadows of which I’m kept. Lifeless...
but immortal in my vicious world
I merely am made of stone cold soul, forever and ever alone...
I’m hurled, twirled, swirled


I am now light bending over a horizon, how have i become this...
I'm release from my rock
the silence is now not deafening, and shadows become energy...
my poetic torment seems to rot


I now see light as its meant to be, evergreen, a reality to me...
my mind now without doubt
I sit still, emotionless, empty with a smile at the break of my mouth...
forever my poetic torment is out

R.I.P Forever

.

[Reeco]

uppin for any opinions... thanks, and i do return favours!

[shawty"B"]

this is a gud peice.... the imagery kinda gives out different each tyme you read thru it... there didnt seem to be any rhyme scheme but i liked it that way cuz it just seemed to give a better freeness of wat u write...

...........fav part..............

I now see light as its meant to be, evergreen, a reality to me...
my mind now without doubt
I sit still, emotionless, empty with a smile at the break of my mouth...
forever my poetic torment is out

keep droppin
return tha favor

....bless

[Reeco]

uppin............................................. ........

[shiznit]

Very interesting piece. Its like portraying death in a sense that it would lead to a much more and better after life. Seems to me that the whole poetic torment was symbolic. The beginning part was the climax. You didnt really inform us how it started but actually telling us what was happening. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes it barely touches the main point.

Your vocabs and use of words are impressive. Very well written. You apparently marked the ones that rhymed. No need to though cause as you read it, its very moving. Brilliant.

[Reeco]

^^thanks a lot, still need more opinions. uppin.........pz

[Philo]

you used wonderful imagery.
the imagery kept this going definately.
It is empty. Full of void. Which works really well here. Displaying emotions through none can be very effective.
I didn't like the hurl, curl, swirl line --- too cliche.
and the comma at eht beginning of your second stanza should not be there.

But it is powerful none the less.... just would be moreso with some edits.

I've been there before too. I've lived poetic torment.

The words that are highlighted. They represent that for me. That torment in comformity, in which case I retract my earlier statement about the 'swirled' line.
And I think that the last stanza represents it more than ever in the attempt to escape. There is a certain niaveity to that line that made be grin... and think of evergreens.

good luck.
.wurd.

[Reeco]

thanks man, really fellin loved for my first piece of poetry!! still uppin.....

has anyone got the hidden message yet?? shiznet came close, but wernt right!! keep them coming!! pz

[Freeman]

Im no expert on this area.. Never delved into this part except one occasion..

Hmm.. Imagery.. Very nice.. Can clearly picture the image your portraying through words..

I liked the way that you set it all out.. Very pretty indeed..

Was a pleasure to read..

Keep it up..

Pz..

[Bloom.Quist]

Ure imagery was all u needed, but u had more. IT had a decent structure, and flow was ok. Emotion i can tell was there. OVerall it was pretty good. Return the favor and dont sleep on my poems.Lol nice stuff.

~holla if ya hear me

[Reeco]

thanks.my head is growing. uppin.........................

[Reeco]

still uppin..........................................

[Absolute Power]

most def portaryin a strong bit of a death imagry... that is def the strong point....

but a lil heads up.... u dun always have to rhyme to write poetry....rhyme seems to constrain ur piece... make lines seem forced... im not sayin that u had this cuz i didn notice it but juz id say watch fo constraintz like that in future pieces...

ur drop hit some highlights... def had some quotable lines...

I merely am made of stone cold soul, forever and ever alone...
I’m hurled, twirled, swirled

fo two reasons... one... imagry... u threw in good descriptive words that created a real feel fo the bit... an second illustrates somethin else on rhyme... internal rhyme is coo and emphasisz shit an sometimes external i.e. endin a line wit a rhyme can cause issue... iunno juz somethin to think on...

keep writen ~Pz

[Reeco]

thanks for the pointers. stil uppin if anyone else wanna leave comments!!

[Marek]

yea man, this was good..im really feelin the death imagery,
thats the strong virtue in this peice, your set-ups were real nice in this man, like..at the beginning of every sentence...it was very well worded,
and u portrayed the picture well...good job

return da fava

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117874

peace