User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Ambitions Opaque

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    2,930
    Battle Record
    1-3
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Ambitions Opaque

    Ambitions Opaque

    Chorus:
    Slow rise to the top, the mountain pursued
    Straight narrow path, no chance to lose
    On the right, the battle of clans and crews
    Which direction suits, which one to choose

    Verse 1
    On the way to the top, it took me a while to clue in
    That the ghastly figures was what I had to get through them
    They advise to become a mathematician
    Go to school, make money being a politician
    Spend long years to become a top-notch English student
    But insisting on associating with Hip Hop, that shits stupid
    Another pale, white kid who was considered modest
    To reach the prime stages, my style had to be honest
    Can’t shout Black Panther slogans, or talk bout pistols
    Or about public enemy number 1, sniffing coke crystals
    Let us face the truth, I come from the subtle rural
    No support from the residence, my mission was plural
    Wanting to accomplish the path God put me on
    To write these dramatic songs, to put forth a bond
    And identify the crisis our breed encounters
    I kept re-cycling my pattern, mimicking a music box dancer

    Chorus twice

    Verse 2
    Of course, not only Pinacle fails to proceed
    With the course of life, along with filth and greed
    Resentment, the same men who came to disgrace
    Provided the blinding light that created raps opaque
    The bindings of its grip on reality lost grip
    While the shady business found its cliché
    The Hennessey they elegantly sipped, sifting into their lips
    Drowned the talents who advanced with gifts
    Look, the opportunity arose, then was deposed
    On a daily basis, like Micheal Jackson switching chose
    One day, peaceful and clam as the night faded to dawn
    The other hour, fucking horrid as the demons spawned
    The great fly of the producers opened to piss
    Upon the raps soft lips, causing the eclipse
    Sun faded to Moon, stars without a sparkle
    As rap industry used piss to swallow and gargle

    Chorus twice

    Verse 3
    Blasphemous, the diabolic hate swept
    Over the land, as the catastrophe crept
    Thoroughly, cocaine pipes and needles wanted to do me
    Took menacing injections, while Brazilian chicks screw me
    Viewed over as the credibility lowered
    Possibility to increase, rare as 4-leaf clovers
    Still, marked as a threat to my own substance
    About to be diminished as the chessboards slants
    Bishops enveloped the pawns, I took cover
    The King protected me, held strong when I shuddered
    No one of importance listened when I mutter
    Only acknowledge my presence when my back is covered
    Ever so slow, I regain my composure
    And withdraw a loaded weapon from my holster
    Can’t keep dirt off this cold shoulder
    So in turn, I subconsciously bring instant closure
    Safety off…brittle hands cock back the salvation
    Little time wasted, short as my patience
    I feel a tingly feeling, maybe the Lo sweater is static
    Maybe not…as I feel I am cocooned in blue plastic

    Chorus twice
    can I kick it?

  2. #2
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    2,930
    Battle Record
    1-3
    Awards Haiku Season Champion
    UPPIN this song...I NEVER GET REPLIES, someone just give me a thorough breakdown and i will shut the fuck up...Thank You. I will return the favour.
    can I kick it?

  3. #3
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    ..::::..::..::::..
    Posts
    2,550
    Battle Record
    8-87
    Hmm..I actullay liked this...this wasn't that bad...your flow seemed forced in some places though..I liked your content and your imagery was okay...your wordplay was decent..keep it up..peace...^^

  4. #4
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    2,930
    Battle Record
    1-3
    Awards Haiku Season Champion
    Theres my first reply to 3 Open Mics, thank you very much...Uppin this for comments and replies...will return favor.
    can I kick it?

  5. #5
    ||RythmicTendicies|| 'PercepTion''s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Northern Ireland, UK
    Age
    36
    Posts
    3,166
    Battle Record
    7-13
    --[Flow]---
    Flow [as Pen said] was alittle forced in some places..you seemed more concious on rhyming rather than gettin' what you needed to say out..try to balence the two. Structure was nice though, bars were the same length..nice.

    --[Vocab]--
    Vocab was pretty well constructed, the third verse i felt took it....it wasn't oversued however seem to be a little underused in some places, but overall it seemed to be spaced out well.

    "So in turn, I subconsciously bring instant closure
    Safety off…brittle hands cock back the salvation"


    --[Concept]--
    Liked what you were saying (nice title), you had alot of relative lines in there...felt the topic lacked some originality but it was good, 1st verse i thought had alot more relevance than the other too...

    --[Overall]--
    To be honest I wasn't expecting something as good as what i read...3/5...think you just need to adjust your flow and it'd be dope...you got alot of potential..Use it wisely.
    Open Mic's


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    --------------------------------

  6. #6
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    San Jose (Bay Area), California
    Age
    41
    Posts
    837
    Battle Record
    1-0
    All in all i thought this was a pretty good drop MC.....I can tell this isnt your best work cause ive read some of your other stuff and its pretty good.....I think you might have been going for a more personal meaning and thats good though cause thats what music is all about.....expression of oneself.....your flow at times struggled ......but i thought your first verse was nicely done.....keep doin your thing man!......


    Hit Up My Latest

    I Bought Her Flowers Today
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111616

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    Be Safe!!! Lingwistik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,273
    Battle Record
    2-0
    yah pinacle, this was a hot drop, like another dude saeid flow was forced in some places, but noice, the vocabulary was good , not alot of multies but it still sounded pretty good, good choruses, honestly i have tuff time writing choruses for sum reason. not great creativity but it seems all good, good structure, it would make a good structure 2

    please hit mine up 2 playa, keep yo self real 2, peace

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111697

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  8. #8
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    2,930
    Battle Record
    1-3
    Awards Haiku Season Champion
    Wonderful that Im getting criticism...Thank you very much for comments(from my two favorite Open Mic'ers)...Dope...Uppin this another time.
    can I kick it?

Similar Threads

  1. Opaque
    By Dayvid Aimz in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: January 29th, 2008, 02:36 PM
  2. Ambitions
    By Madik in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: November 20th, 2005, 09:56 PM
  3. Sketched Story of Tragedy, Opaque...(I)
    By Richard Parker in forum Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: January 7th, 2005, 10:20 PM
  4. Sketched Story of Tragedy, Opaque...(I)
    By Varentao in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: August 2nd, 2003, 05:43 PM
  5. ~~No Ambitions~~
    By Evolve in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: April 4th, 2003, 09:05 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •