Re: The Poem with no name.
Feeding as I read each stanza, and I must say that your opening with the quote sets a good tone and feel for what this piece will be about.
Moving on to the first stanza I like how you opened, it's one of those parts that could've been used either in the begining or near the end for a strong closure. Off to a good start I do say, also I like how you incorporated the fact that you mention that this poem is infact you. That's what writing should be a piece of who you are as a person.
Quote:
I can hear the words with my eyes
I've been trying to define this poem
but this whole time this poem has been me,
I am this poem...
Moving on I can read this with ease, a nice steady flow and it reads very smooth thus far. That there in itself is a plus, when your able to keep a nice pace throughtout the first few stanzas. Although I feel your ending of the second stanza was solid your begining lines, seem to almost doubt your poem, and if your as perfect as it then you must doubt yourself one would think.
Stanza's three and four, I'm not feeling with 100% conviction. There's something bout the third one that almost seems to detach itself from the prior stanza's, in some cases it works to an advantage but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem to really flow with the previous which through me off slightly. Okay, going over stanza four. I take back previously bout not liking it, I actually find the begining lines intriguing, how your coming to terms with who you are and how the poem reflects you. Without any barriers. Just a person.
I'm going to just break this down as a whole piece now, rather then continue on as stanza by stanza. I feel this poem overall is a good piece from you, and it shows how your continueing to grow as writer. Exanding your horizons and breaching out into now subject and topics, breaking away from the shell of the common so to speak. Now granted poems of self reflection are written daily, and can be quite the norm, but I feel as if this piece poem would easily shine through and come off as a strong piece of literature. You had some good vocabulary and overall I feel you showed that you do have that creative and originality that can flourish when you put your mind to it.
Goodjob.
-Uben.
Re: The Poem with no name.
VERY deep maffie this poem was a step higher from your last one im very impressed here your word choice was better, imaginary was strong and your title is good i really liked that to. i didnt know you wanted to do poetry but im glad you are. nice job uben pretty much sumed this break down all the way lol.. but nice to see your work being recognized.
Re: The Poem with no name.
Eh. Cool concept, but a lot of your lines seemed like they battled each other. Like.. 'I hear my poem through my eyes'. I understand what you're trying to do, but it wasn't polished well enough to execute the concept broseph. Keep working on wording. There's no reason to put the word 'poem' in a stanza 10x times lol. Open your mind a little more, keep writing. You're elevating with every poem. Try not to post so many though. Give yourself a few days to absorb the criticism we give ya.
Re: The Poem with no name.
meh thankz, but to be real thats my style I dont reread this shit 954- times and try to wrd it perfect, maybe I should but I just write what comes to me and I post it there and then..that was basiaclly the message I was tryin to send...ur right though, but maybe u jus read this like yea wateva, u didnt actually see what I was tryin to say..LMAO but thankz for the feed most of it is accurate,
Re: The Poem with no name.
It's all accurate. It's not a style to just write what comes to mind and then to post without revising it. No. That's called laziness. And you won't get where you want be if that stays in effect bro.
Re: The Poem with no name.
aight fam i'll take that into consideration.
Re: The Poem with no name.
this needs a lot of work but its good that you're trying new things out.
ill add some actual feedback later.
Re: The Poem with no name.
This is very deep full of emotions
Re: The Poem with no name.
You're saying way too much and not showing enough. All I feel I get from this is that you're disillusioned at first, but then realize you only need to write for yourself, etc. Most of it seems overly dramatized to be honest. The ellipses, the final couplet, the self-questioning all seem to drag this poem down. I think Dagel hit the nail on the head when he brought up wording. I think you had too many personal pronouns and using "one" or "one's" was really out of place. Also, you shouldn't need but and yet together as a transition.
Overall, I felt that although you're trying to move in the right direction, a lot of this seemed repetitive and uninspired. Keep working on it.
