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Verse To Member - FeedBack.
This is a thread in which you can post Old/New verses for other member's of the crew to give feedback on.
And since this is a elvational crew/ this would give members more of an advantage who want to elevate.
So...
Start posting your Verses and let the critisicm come.:2thumb:
Also opening a "FeedBack Panel" It's similar to the voting panel on FL but this just concetrates on this "crew" area of the threads and most particular on the Feedback verses,
Just tell me in a "PM" or in the Meta Convicts "Chat." and if anyone drops a verse in here you can help them :)
Thanks
-Official.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
I like it. I think its suited i go first with my latest piece for a battle...
Blank Thoughts.
Parchment and Quill, fulfill his skill and thrill his brain- until
a shedding of strain- shackles him in chains and drains his
ability to keep the agility of his writing utility; his capability
to pen push that mental rush; the hoax that coaxs his brain
to extract; those phenomenol facts which are failing to attract
the pen to the paper as it dribs and drabs; tosses and tapers
to the point where he disapoints his wrist joint and scribbles
a complete naught , sighs in stress for he fires blank thoughts.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Messiah.
I like it. I think its suited i go first with my latest piece for a battle...
Blank Thoughts.
Parchment and Quill, fulfill his skill and thrill his brain- until
a shedding of strain- shackles him in chains and drains his
ability to keep the agility of his writing utility; his capability
to pen push that mental rush; the hoax that coaxs his brain
to extract; those phenomenol facts which are failing to attract
the pen to the paper as it dribs and drabs; tosses and tapers
to the point where he disapoints his wrist joint and scribbles
a complete naught , sighs in stress for he fires blank thoughts.
I liked these peice, i thought it had a "unique" touch to it,
I especially liked how you used your multis and then connected the first line to match the line under that, i think writing in that way is very useful as it helps the verse stay at an easy read level.
Your multi's were excellent, you kicked simplicity's arse by using longer more interesting words,
You flow was onpoint and your structure was awesome to bring this verse to a "EXCELLENT" read,
very well done.:2thumb:
-Official
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
a poem im dropping soon lol..
Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions ,
Vacant the mind is ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but im loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure….
Not done yet lmao
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lauryn
Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions ,
Vacant the mind is ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but im loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure….
I thought this poem was a real good peice, i don't really do poetical pieces myself, but i know a good poem when i see one and yours Laurn was a really thought out piece of writing.
Your metaphors was "HOT" your desription was an absoloute magic trick ;)
I think in some places it seemed off flow because of those very few stretched lines towards the centre - ( but then again i don't write much poetical pieces,)
Altogether very well written and thought about peice...
EXCELLENT :2thumb: "Keep Em' Coming!"
-Official.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Victims visions harassing their dreams of life changin moments
Dimming precision gasping of screams of tomorrow opponents
Nightmares come clear once eyes shutter to close
Bare happiness near while memories clutter from ghost
Bad experience eatin his soul away he starts to decay
Tired or meetin death,his eyes slowly betray
What once was real he's losin all sense of touch
Graspin the feel, eyes shut stayin awake is no longer a crutch
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Bstill
Victims visions harassing their dreams of life changin moments
Dimming precision gasping of screams of tomorrow opponents
Nightmares come clear once eyes shutter to close
Bare happiness near while memories clutter from ghost
Bad experience eatin his soul away he starts to decay
Tired or meetin death,his eyes slowly betray
What once was real he's losin all sense of touch
Graspin the feel, eyes shut stayin awake is no longer a crutch
This verse really reached out to me,
I got the storyline very well you explained the story very well aswell,
your multis was on point your flow was also onpoint leading a good read,
your structure was wisely represented aswell, although i would of liked to have seen somewhat better description details, too make this excellent peice to a beyond dope peice,
Great Read...Keep Em' Coming Biatch ;):2thumb:
-Official.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Messiah.
I like it. I think its suited i go first with my latest piece for a battle...
Blank Thoughts.
Parchment and Quill, fulfill his skill and thrill his brain- until
a shedding of strain- shackles him in chains and drains his
ability to keep the agility of his writing utility; his capability
to pen push that mental rush; the hoax that coaxs his brain
to extract; those phenomenol facts which are failing to attract
the pen to the paper as it dribs and drabs; tosses and tapers
to the point where he disapoints his wrist joint and scribbles
a complete naught , sighs in stress for he fires blank thoughts.
umm this is an interesting verse, one thing i didnt like was the overuse off multies, its like your forcing your rhymes too make a rhyme...you've got a similar style to baron which only a few people really understand and that is what drew me into your piece because i understood it straight away without reading it twice.....the imagery was dope in this verse, as a reader it got me into the piece.....anyways this was good piece
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Official.
I thought this poem was a real good peice, i don't really do poetical pieces myself, but i know a good poem when i see one and yours Laurn was a really thought out piece of writing.
Your metaphors was "HOT" your desription was an absoloute magic trick ;)
I think in some places it seemed off flow because of those very few stretched lines towards the centre - ( but then again i don't write much poetical pieces,)
Altogether very well written and thought about peice...
EXCELLENT :2thumb: "Keep Em' Coming!"
-Official.
Lmao!! You're puttin your name at the end of your posts now? ROFL, looks like someone looks up to his role model Common
(towards common: just sayin u cause u put your "-soule" at the end and this bitch I'd tryna copy u lmao)
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
this is an OM piece i got,its not completely slept on but its not boomin with thoughts and critique.
Plastic Surgery Perjury
im lookin in this mirror to get a better look
but the clearer vision i see's gotten me shook
theres no book on how to look attractive
theres just name callin,drugs and a mattress
plastic surgery to beautify the ugly actress
but for the poor unfortunate were stuck
the only looks ive ever gotten are of disgust
tired of dirty highs and pity fucks and no luck
heres a dick to suck for you pretty mannequins
collagen got your lips stuck,use your hands again
the stains im standin in have colored my shadows
fake people waitin for face lifts in the gallows
your so shallow so now approach the guillotine
you can change your face but not full fill your dreams
so keep makin your teeth straight and tits bigger
while girls with no plastic always get my dick bigger
and your false attempts have left it low and flacid
after surgery your face distorts like most on acid
what would make you wanna change your appearance
skinny people brave the wind and fat ones need clearance.
after plastic surgery and the worries its seems fine
youve hurried to get a flurry of stitches and lines
people lookin like they were illustrated and drawn
too many idiots got me filled with hatred and gone
just a pawn on a chess board with no other pieces
spoiled brats get this and that taught to be leeches
no preachers or priests could pray to fix the pieces
our prayers have fell on deaf ears and its no surprise
but our fuck ups have been seen by anxious eyes
i despise what our society has become,a loaded gun
given to a baby with a strong hand and hopin for fun.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
.TreaZoN.
this is an OM piece i got,its not completely slept on but its not boomin with thoughts and critique.
Plastic Surgery Perjury
im lookin in this mirror to get a better look
but the clearer vision i see's gotten me shook
theres no book on how to look attractive
theres just name callin,drugs and a mattress
plastic surgery to beautify the ugly actress
but for the poor unfortunate were stuck
the only looks ive ever gotten are of disgust
tired of dirty highs and pity fucks and no luck
heres a dick to suck for you pretty mannequins
collagen got your lips stuck,use your hands again
the stains im standin in have colored my shadows
fake people waitin for face lifts in the gallows
your so shallow so now approach the guillotine
you can change your face but not full fill your dreams
so keep makin your teeth straight and tits bigger
while girls with no plastic always get my dick bigger
and your false attempts have left it low and flacid
after surgery your face distorts like most on acid
what would make you wanna change your appearance
skinny people brave the wind and fat ones need clearance.
after plastic surgery and the worries its seems fine
youve hurried to get a flurry of stitches and lines
people lookin like they were illustrated and drawn
too many idiots got me filled with hatred and gone
just a pawn on a chess board with no other pieces
spoiled brats get this and that taught to be leeches
no preachers or priests could pray to fix the pieces
our prayers have fell on deaf ears and its no surprise
but our fuck ups have been seen by anxious eyes
i despise what our society has become,a loaded gun
given to a baby with a strong hand and hopin for fun.
nice piece the first few bars i was hooked i no ppl who was going through the same situations i think its sad thoe but this was a good read i was interested through out the piece i will start back on topicals soon i liked how you took this in its direction
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
thank you,i liked how this piece came out for the most part.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lauryn
a poem im dropping soon lol..
Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions ,
Vacant the mind is ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but im loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure….
Not done yet lmao
to me this piece was cleverly put together i can tell you put alot of thought into each line an i liked the way you showin pure emotion within each line i would try to enforce a lil more imagery within your verse though its like you get into the imagery then u back out hitting it up with emotion a lil more but the emotion got me through the story i really wanted to read the final piece before i wrote what i thought about this piece
keep the pen drippin ink to the paper
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Keep Them Coming Guys,
Running Smoothley,
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Rather than post it here again, i just put the link to the thread.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...var=&p=7218303
All feedback and improvements is good cause that isnt the final finished piece.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
gotta say some feedback annoys me when reading peoples poems.I know i havn't left much myself as I'm only back from inactivity, but some comments are just crazy.Some people really think they know it all.I'm not talking about anyone in particular just thought this comment would be suited in here.
who cares if there are no big words in a poem or OM or if the piece is just too simplistic...
SO FUCKIN WHAT!!!! some of the best pieces I've ever read were simplistic and easy to read.If we want good writers on this site, people have to develop them by giving them propper guidance and not some made up shit.I see people using big long words now in everything they write and then trying to make it rhyme with something just as big.
People don't fall into this trap becuase you will regret it.I like the idea of this thread, but maybe post links to known poets and see what REAL poetry is.Study them and study how they write you will learn a lot and gather great insight.
If I was to throw a name out there for any writers that wish to get better then it would have to be Michael Longley.Read "Self Heal" or "Wounds".He has so many more but please people reall learn to appreciate work.....please.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
If knowone knows everthing on this site on how to write a "world class" OM/Poetical piece who's to say whether the Om/Poetical peice is good enough or not.
So we Have To Start SomeWhere.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
*no one
and where did I even m ention world class,all I am stating is to develop a clearer image for those who wish to be better writers, and even to correct gramatical errors.Its a learning process and I'm sure everyone here wishes to to get better.
i really don't see where your coming from in your post, so therfore I can't really rant on
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
I just think rants like that are useless and pointless considering people are gonna' get judged either way..
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
have you even read the post properly??
seriously man your making no sense
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Oh sorry rofl!!
I was looking just at the top bit, cba to read the rest untill now haha,
yeahh okay haha :),
Dyl do you think it's a good idea to have a "Meta' Convicts Hall Of Fame" ?
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
i tend to do that,though i dont look down on a piece due to simplicity,ill state that it needs more complexity if its one of these wanna be gangster rappers that drops these moronic fuckin pieces about how on a daily basis they blow peoples faces off with 12 gauges and slang kis of yay and pounds of blow,i hate hearin that shit,then there like,this is my life,i live this shit everyday,im just takin a break so i can hop on my moms computer and post on this rapbattles site about how fly and gansgter i am,ive sold bud and some other choice shit in the past,im not a gangster though,i just hate those pieces thats all,and there everywhere.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
im all but tastless,walkin faceless through the faces
my kids will always keep me straight like braces
i hung my hope with laces now im bracin for the end
put up my index,the scent..sex,im bastin in the wind
placin last in a race ran by people in wheel chairs
thinkin i had the upper hand,id rather steal theirs
i peel hairs from my sweaty brow,breathin heavy clouds
race was steady in the end though im ready now.
this piece wasnt anything,just something quick i just wrote just to throw on this thread..drinkin coffee jottin thoughts
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
well thats not exactly poetry, it depends on how its written of course and yeah your right, its always gonna be terrible to read with someone talking about gangsters and guns.That is an acception
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
DYL check out my Friendly Nightmare collab i would like u to hop on the third verse
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Bstill am i in that collab i thought i was ending it?
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
i wasnt refering to gangster shit as poetry,its the furthest thign on this site from poetry,i was just stating a pet peve of mine,other than that i dont find simplicity ruins a piece,unless its like cat in the hat simplicity,if its good its good,complex or not.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Heartbroken Slavery
The, grey picture absored all forgotten problems many from our reach,
heart warming souls looking for escape -
many believed in the bible, but we beleived in freedom of speech.
In our moralled hearts words actually ment more than pitiful actions,
Slavery traded for satisfactions,to see torment and our screamish reactions,
They teased us in hard labour with agonising pain switching motions, -
harder they teased i felt, not just our bodys, but in our broken emotions,
We praised in religion for god to show us a path, for unexplained answers,
but, all we got was blood drips, dropping from our eyes onto blinded canvas,
we were proud people,although any dignity i had seemed to have lost it,
out of welfare, greed, heartless bastards, just for better fortune and profits.
Hiding behind closed hands, hoping if i couldn't see them everything will go,
Crying in self doubt, i was scared but for them i was making an ammusing show.
"I wasn't sure i would come out alive" but i knew love was still unborn,
I felt love into my heart, as dignified as a rose followed by their thorn -
The world was aginst me, The seas clashed and the thunderstorm rages,
blotched spotches of ink dripping, so basically hiding under blank pages,
we had no other choice but to be sold, held by our will and the restraints,
God fucked me with heaven, so now im left to believe in the devils saints -
THIS TRADE HAD TO STOP, but my ankles and wrists smothered in chains,
weak...my eyes dialated, pain was apart of me as it ran through my veins,
plungered in the spine by this horsmans stick,i set aboard of the dusted ship,
had to obey commands or i'd get whipped, forced me to undress so had to strip,
these bastards need to stop, bruises painted my body with meaningless pity,
Imagining a place off this slavery ship, into a law against slavery city... -
I was stuck in this problem, nothing could stop my unwilling situations,
thinking of a time, where blacks could be set free from grasps of caucasions,
I want this nightmare to end, i hate being locked in a jail cell full of insanity,
freedom of speech was still burning bright, but no movement from profanity.
I just sat there taking the sexual anger, as tears protect my innocent smile,
Law abided citizens ignored there gracious rules, roamed in a place of hostile,
Slavery was painful, we were fed water and wheat just to keep us alive for dollars,
metal "clangs" as we walked, taped into a wooden seat with a iron chrome collars,
we gave up hope... in ever finding a solution, god betrayed us again and again. -
stopped all minds working all movement, and stuck in injustice's domain.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Ok heres the deal the flow was good at the start i really liked it everything went smoothly, the emotion was off the top i felt you captured how it felt to live in that era however you should add some more imagery, to give us an idea of the surrounding, for example there are simple words that can help your imagery alot, ie. you woulda said u were working in afactory for low pay It would of told me that it must of been a terrible working condition and you were suffering which adds more to your emotion and now when i close my eyes i can picture this, but while your down this you must maintain the flow because if your flow begins to get choppy and im forced to re-read your lines just to get an idea you lose grasp on me and i stop reading for fun and just keep reading without any interest. i felt that as you kept going on with the piece you got bored and just started writing off pure emotion, nothing wrong with that but when you get to that point you need to just take a break and continue writing when you get the inspiration it's hard to do this i know thats why when i write i usually take weeks on a giving piece give yourself a reasonble deadline it's incredibly hard to write a great piece in 1 hour. don't just write for a battle, write for you own. whenever you feel inspired hop on the comp and write some lines down who cares if you dont finish you never kno when those lines could come into hand, i have so many verses written down from 06 and 07 and hey if you never get to use those lines in the future its always good to look back at your own lines, this goes beyond rb, poetry is a beautiful thing dude and if you write just to be good at it, it'll be incredibly hard for you to be good. so just write. even though i was kind of harsh on this piece it doesnt mean you should stop if i wouldn't of seen potential in you i wouldnt of gave you such a huge explanation, you can be great one day just keep at it hope you appreciate the feed and dont take it the wrong way.
-Lucid
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Hmmm... Interesting.
Have You Read My Other "Om's"
Thanks For This Feed Btw ;)
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
link me i could use giving you feedback since i need 2 links to post my own om. might as well give feed to a fellow member than a complete stranger
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Verse from me Vs Official
......the rap game aint for everybody nor you shits crucial,
A stripped jacket in battle still wont make this kids win Official,
dam rite we convicts so at any point i can turn on this kid,
you couldnt catch evidence of a victory if you tapped it on Vid,
this text battle shit aint for you friend do me a favor stop rappin,
i cant take this clown serious cuz if his punches hit ill jus die Laughin,
so stop fillin in ya Ego cause the bigger it is the harder you fall,
this Battle must be Officials home town no wonder i get bad calls,
you a fraud..an all this time i think you good when you honestly Crap,
this kid must be stupid he still think a break is when you bite a Kit kat..
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
newest battle
[soundclick]8033729[/soundclick]
vs pat
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eddy HasKuL
newest battle
[soundclick]8033729[/soundclick]
vs pat
I'll leave some feed on this when i'm done watching the game dude.
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eddy HasKuL
newest battle
[soundclick]8033729[/soundclick]
vs pat
i think ya concepts an flow need to be worked on stop rushing take multiple takes if that helps you return a cleaner verse idk but you have some nice punches half of the time u can tel your jumpin on an off the beat also have more emotion its a battle fam you just sound like ur speakin over a beat for the most part
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Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Verse from me Vs Official
......the rap game aint for everybody nor you shits crucial,
A stripped jacket in battle still wont make this kids win Official,
dam rite we convicts so at any point i can turn on this kid,
you couldnt catch evidence of a victory if you tapped it on Vid,
this text battle shit aint for you friend do me a favor stop rappin,
i cant take this clown serious cuz if his punches hit ill jus die Laughin,
so stop fillin in ya Ego cause the bigger it is the harder you fall,
this Battle must be Officials home town no wonder i get bad calls,
you a fraud..an all this time i think you good when you honestly Crap,
this kid must be stupid he still think a break is when you bite a Kit kat..