Featuring Android, Truth Iscariot, and Witty.
The Burning Man
http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j1...boybycamp6.jpg
Smother these flames.
Douse them with something
to soothe the soul.
The sticks are being
charred black in this bag,
of flesh and mismatched parts.
- Although the burning
lights and illuminates,
the faceless portraits
of which I'd never seen
Hanging in the dark.
this first verse had a real poetic vibe to it, not what im used too (the lack of rhymes or whatever) but I was still beautifully written. On the last site I was on nobody wrote true poetry so its refreshing to read
My thoughts were once raveled like the masses of grazing cattle
Inhibitions neatly stacked inside of my mind – the mechanism embattled
My soul was once whole controlled by the views of the populace
Which populate peaceful the broken Metropolis
Its shattered shards ranging from Annapolis to Demopolis
The downed leader mutinied by monopolists
The resting place of the dishonored witch
which only tried to do well
These visions were the igniter to the everlasting flames of hell
To burns into my thoughts and my soul as well
The tone of bells sounds as my brain begins to burn
While praying that the pain rescinds, I've learned
That faith in him's absurd, and blatant sin
Only causes pain within, my words were vacant...thin...
-returned-
Unread and Unopened, The Son's dead..The Sun's broken
They once said that love's hope can overcome oceans
of misery, but the potion they give to me, is potent
I'm history...just a loaded gun's notion
And even as I'm still alive, I'm turning in my grave
The burning of the brain was beneficial
It was the closest thing to spiritual
That resembled my fleshy frame yearning pain
Like a Martyr seeking the key to his oak inspired veins
The knowledge of Olympus – Mine, it became
Poseidon’s depth and wisdom akin to mine. The same.
Im gunna say this was truths portion, or at least the majority of it. You have a great nack for rhyming and your starting to become one of my favorite writers to read, if I had one complaint, well its not even a complaint really, just more of a suggestion it would be to try to perforn a little more complex multi syllabic end rhymes for example, where you said yearning pain and the next end rhyme was inspired viens, only the last word rhymes which makes it a simple single syllable end rhyme. If u add another rhyming word before vien it will improve you flow, for instance....
That resembled my fleshy frame, yearning pain
Like a martyr seeking keys to his oak inspired purging viens
....or urging viens, whatever really. All im saying is if you work on these minor mechanics you would be a fucking beast. Rea some pieces from witty, he's one of the best with that which leads me to believe his verse is next
The power's sinking in, am I insane?
Defiant flames scorch preachers and prophets, a crying shame
Those that taught peace....Jesus....Mohammed...now die in pain
My eye is trained on the demons that tie the chains
To those whose words were specious, the silent saints
Violence maims the pious, as their tight restraints
Cut against their skin, I see their pain...the glee
On Satan's face, as the heat melts the chains, I'm free
While they grieve in heinous seas of disdain, disease
My mind is already burning, and now my brain receives
An ultimatum....please....take away their pain...
And give the flames to me
this really is just a flawless verse. Very well constructed. Props
This acquisition reigned over the Burning tempest
Declared itself master but the suffering was finished
I felt no plight, nor need for repentance
The chains of th e deities’ sob as their chains diminish
To bits of rubble laying before me
The gods used to mock; now they abhor me
The Burning Man
this was good but slightly choppy, could have been reworded or just omitted tbh
Spiralling out of control,
my conscience is dancing.
Swaying around my self,
like some submissive hula.
Yet binding my soul together
to the screaming bones
inside the tightening circle
around my chest.
- Reconnecting
all of the shattered parts
and reliving them,
- Over and over.
Android im going to say this is you, along with the first verse. While written beutifully by themselves, it was just a different kind of poetry (non-rhyming) so it kind of stuck out. Try venturing out of your realm a little bit and test some new boundries
so this was pretty dope collab from three different point of view and styles which normally just clash really bad but this was pretty good to be honest. I enjoyed the read (obviously because im feeding this from my phone and that's just hard to do lol) but yea I think you guys meshed well and this was a successful collab. Props
