Daydream: 1875

Daydream: 1875

My daydreams are filled with wanderlust
Guns and brothels and cowboy stuff
Of being a farmhand I’ve had enough
I’ll ride to Armageddon don’t call my bluff
Or you’ll lie dead before me –I wish

This was my way of life, stuck here adoring I sit
And I wait for the days when rain and cattle
Aren’t my main concern I long to strike like snakes which rattle
Oh, how their venom burns and their blood is so cold
Matching their uncaring demeanor, I want to be an outlaw so bold
That not a single Cowboy can possibly be called meaner
Pa says at my age he wanted to be a preacher, Ma a singer
Pa says dreams need to be washed away so my soul will be cleaner

The angel of death is calling me to the prairie I know that I’ve seen her
This isn’t the delusions of a dreamer I know that my heart will be hardened
By heat and ill visuals, still life will be simpler, and fortune gentle, kill the varmint
Say a pardon, break your bread don’t regret the broken and forgone eggs
Needed to make your Omelet I won’t cry over the ones dead
Or left in the desert dying when I attack the various stagecoaches and trains
I’ve been eying. Expressed these feelings to Pa he says he hopes I’m lying

He tried to steer me in the right direction until I left him and Ma crying
For me to stay, neither would listen to reason or move out of my way
And now their dead carcasses lay in the fields amidst bundles of hay
My daydreams come to strike reality on its unready and virgin face
I don’t look back in regret as I smell the smoke from our barns fire and leave this place

A Cowboy

http://www.oldwesternboy.com/wp-cont...esternboy1.jpg

Dope

Thanks Sparty

http://i1005.photobucket.com/albums/...psdfca3c48.jpg

I AM a cowboy..

Truth, your OM light shines because of your storytelling. You know this.
And this work was pretty deep, content-wise.
Daydream is basically a farmhand/farmboy that struggles to obtain his dreams of wandering the Earth and exploring. Being free.
The death of his family and the burning of the barn could represent him letting go of all inhibitions.

Rhythm 7/10 It was okay, I noticed the scheming. Props for trying new things.

Quote:

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Or left in the desert dying when I attack the various stagecoaches and trains
I’ve been eying. Expressed these feelings to Pa he says he hopes I’m lying

He tried to steer me in the right direction until I left him and Ma crying
For me to stay, neither would listen to reason or move out of my way

^This one wasn't set up as clean as the first. The transition held little buildup, but it read alright.

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Rhymes 6.5/10 Simplistic rhymes, nothing real advanced except a couple of multis.

Emotion 7/10 I feel like you could have made this story seem more climatic than what you did. It was a nice concept and it had a refreshing plot but, the way you executed it made for a slightly unsatisfied reader. Just slightly, and this is ONLY in the emotion aspect of the verse. Not in its entirety.

Storytelling 8.5/10 Strong story foundation.

Signifying 8/10 Some nice metaphors and various literary elements that made this story have a nice angle to it.

Creativity 8/10 Fictional stories such as this always end up pretty creative, unless they're solely about getting a heart broken/stress/traumatic events/drug-substance abuse. Or unless they're very outdated and recycled. This story wasn't though.

Overall, a good read with more potential than the end result of it gave off. I enjoyed it though. Thanks for sharing Truth.

Professor Frost stamps this OM with the sixth ProFro Official Review.

45/60

@Truth Iscariot

Feed the children my nigga

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-You-Need-quot

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