the day after tomorrow.

the oceans rise and lightning falls
creating a personal apacolypse
my emotions tide to frightening squalls
crashing to my soul and its rotting bricks

let me wallow in this enigma,
the one that the past presents.
submerged, hands grasping for life....
the opportunities pass on by, and i still sink.

the anchor's a rosary caught on my ankle
the burden swallows me, but allows me to strangle:
on the words that i muttered but never spoken
a fair smile from thee remains more important...

let me wallow in this enigma,
the one that the past presents.
submerged, hands grasping for life....
the opportunities pass on by, and i still sink.

the currents push me further, taking me under
the life's fading leaving my soul shaken and sundered.
iniquity consumes me, as i pretend to be burnin bright...
never will i earn the right to turn and write....

ill awake the day after tomorrow,
but please remember me.

links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...495/index.html

and

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...524/index.html

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Methodikal

the anchor's a rosary caught on my ankle
the burden swallows me, but allows me to strangle:
on the words that i muttered but never spoken
a fair smile from thee remains more important...

---

Thats the best bit in my opinion i just liked the rhyme scheme the most , nice piece nothing really wrong with it and im new to this poem section so yeah , good job keep it up .. 8/10.

thanks a lot fam.

wow

Hmm. I donno about the rhyme... there were lines where I felt you had to bend what you were saying to keep with the scheme you had going. Like the structure was constricting you. Maybe that's why the word choice felt a bit unnatural in places.

For a piece with a subject matter that appears very personal, it didn't seem like there was much feeling behind the words. I got what you were saying - but I didn't buy it. Didn't feel the connection that I'd expect based on what you were talking about. You were hinting at other directions in this...

Quote:

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a fair smile from thee remains more important...

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but I think you could develop that a bit more.

Your grasp on imagery is solid... just need to add a little more feeling behind the words so the language you are using sounds more authentic.