Rules and Regulations
Good Luck!
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Rules and Regulations
Good Luck!
here it goes Jon.
She was hard to approach, so he'd blow it every time,
he always gave her a rose, but didn't know any lines.
His vibe had an awkward flow, though he moves just fine,
her eyes were mountains in the snow, so he must climb.
He was deprived of life, blind to the world outside his house,Quote:
All I had was just a vision,
All I had was my ambition
Your love without condition
Kept me swinging when I'm missing
she always had to fight for the right just to put food in mouth.
His family put no one before Christ, so he lived in doubt,
how is there room in the sky for someone who can't get out?
Her parents paid for their addiction, in a new home everyday,
while he'd pray for the devil's bidding, and hope for heavy rain.
He’s always ready for pain, but she saves a place in his brain,
and he’s the only reason that the demons haven’t made her insane.
School is their safe zone, where bone and flesh never tear,
together they skip stones, and take breaths to forever share.
A teenage love affair, forbidden by the laws under their roofs,
a game of truth or dare, where they break all of the rules.
Two people with the same logic, dreaming for a balance,Quote:
Remember when we used to flow together back in the park
You would slang guitar licks under the stars in the dark
You'd say let's grow together as this world falls apart
I was holding on to hope but hardly holding a spark
when they are living the dream, it'll be together in a palace.
A king and queen, woke up and it never happened...
(When love was lost, they didn't bow heads in sadness;
instead, they kept their heads up high and gazed at the stars.
For that is where the doctor sent their broken hearts.)
The childish schemes are over, they know there's no magic,
they're a couple years older, and their lives aren't so tragic.
He finally escaped, even became a successful business man,
she changed her name and does whatever she can.
His wife is beautiful, a wealthy Dutch model for his company,
her husband's funeral was held in a building just down the street.
And every night, they both think about the other's life,Quote:
From the beginning we've been building much more than this art
Remember bearing scars in your car to impart your heart
You cared enough to call my bluff through the junk from the start
That's why you're holding onto half of my heart
while they cry, and stare at the stars in a diamond sky.
From their castle towers..
http://th03.deviantart.net/fs37/300W...e_Daydream.jpg
Don't want people to bitch or complain that I'm 'biting'. So I'll let you all know, for those who don't already, that the quotation parts are bits and pieces of Mat Kearney's Bullet. I felt that if fit the piece pretty well. So I put them in. Enjoy the read.
http://i991.photobucket.com/albums/a...ures/alone.png
Dear God,
what's up?
Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end
Or maybe it began
Before it here we go again
Heaven only knows what this man could amount to
I'm asking around, I'm trying to find the answers about 'truth'
See, if it comes to judgment, then I'm easily worried
Because I'm not the one to judge, I'm not even the jury
But that's me in the mirror speaking to these glass ceilings
And that feeling is chosen by anyone that's willing
To learn, I'm filling in the blanks and rebuilding the curve
Impaling nerves, numbing damage and then killing the curse
Now, I'm feeling like my hearse isn't as mobile as me
I'm hoping to breathe a new life, so that I can be sober and clean
All the motion you see is as close as it seems
Emotions bleed within the film like they are composing a scene
I grow from things like I was molded by fiends
Given different roles until I'm playing one that's supporting the beams
Seem there's more than an ache, more than a state of mind
It's making life go uphill and I'm ignoring the climb
Sometimes when we talking words
Get drowned out by the sound
Let's get back to touch and we'll get back on solid ground
Storing life in these hands while I'm denying my past
I'm lying, I'm crying and I'm trying harder to find me a path
Designing for the dance, but I've crashed into war
I hope they remember this facade was just a mask that I wore
It's fantastic, my morals reached an inch of importance
But they euthanize me because I was never really supported
Feeling deported, I went from empty to lost and alone
Boxed in, I want to find out how much it would cost to get home
It's probably wrong - but I have got to be strong
Just got to keep moving these bricks until the rubble is gone
The subtleties draw me in since I've been meaning to find
A tree of life that won't break when I want to swing from the vines
It's coming down hard now - and when the lightning is lit
There's a heavy roar inside me that I kinda forget
Said this dream is the truth, I couldn't try to resist
The strength hides within the gavel in the hand of the mightiest fist!
Make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Amen...or whatever. Thanks for the talk!
Remember when we used to flow together back in the park
You would slang guitar licks under the stars in the dark
You'd say let's grow together as this world falls apart
I was holding on to hope but hardly holding a spark
^^this was sick dagel.. this is seriously one of the dopest drops I've ever seen from you and again, I am impressed... to be completely honest you have never ever written a piece up until now that I've been THAT into... the concept to me is just flames.. the idea of "the one that got away" is just a sick one to me and you executed it so well... I'm a sucker for these love pieces and it just really hit home when I read it the first time and re-read it now... again, literally your only piece I've ever come back to read a second time... props... flow was dope.. you never really fell off it.. and you only had one line (or a word rather) that felt awkward to me.. the word "impart" sorta threw the flow for a loop somehow in that 2nd quoted area... but other than that... DOPE READ... straight up...
Brandon... the idea is solid, a prayer, pretty self explainatory.. flow was dope.. better than Jon's... I think at times though you were a tad off in the writing.. the supporting the beams line seems stretched... threw the flow off for me anyway. as well as the last line.. I think that seemed stretched too?? dunno... like the "in the hand" part just extends it too much for the flow to stay on... anyway....
It's probably wrong - but I have got to be strong
Just got to keep moving these bricks until the rubble is gone
The subtleties draw me in since I've been meaning to find
A tree of life that won't break when I want to swing from the vines
^^probably my favorite part of the read... shit was ill... again.. concept was cool. this entire piece just seemed sound.. it competed well... and I enjoyed it..
overall though... in the end... I liked both reads.. I enjoyed certain lines from brandon's the most.. but for the bigger picture? I enjoyed Dagel's conceptually and I enjoyed the devolopment of his piece far more... I never EVER thought I would say this in a battle between you guys because I never thought it could happen.. but for some reason I am just fuckin FEELIN' Dagels piece so...
vote Dagel
Dagel
That doesn't rhyme, just to note that. I think you came correct here Jon, best piece that I've probably ever seen from you, which is great that you're working hard to bring your best. in such adope league. For me, there's a lot of this that I feel is nicely done, but there's a few spots that the flow is attempting to speed up, but thwe wording is off and it holds the line back....even with such a simple scheme (which is not meant as an attack) you really have to keep the flow along with the rest of it and I feel you fell short on the flow. Your first 2 lines should set the pace for the rest of the piece "flow wise" and for me, it didn't really keep a good rhythm in every spot, but in most aspects it did. Anyhow, the picture was a nice touch, though metaphorical. I really dig the concept you brought though and I think using the lyrics was fitting, though IMO, they outshined quite a few of your lines and I can't give you credit for his work, you feel me? Overall Jon, really a good drop and win or lose, you've proved yourself in my opinion, so good work.Quote:
His wife is beautiful, a wealthy Dutch model for his company,
her husband's funeral was held in a building just down the street.
Brandon
That was probably the best line in either of the two verses, you always have had the ability to bring some creative wording and some standout one-liners. As far as the imagery goes, there's a lot of parts to individually touch on, but it seemed more of a rant than a prayer is soime sections, which isn't necessarily bad, but in this case, it was a slight set back. When it comes to your flow comapred to Jon's...you really outshine him and that's nothing against him, you have one of the top 3 or 4 strongest flows in the league and this piece proves exactly that. Nothing ever skipped up for me. Cry thinks some lines are stretched and VISUALLY, I can agree, but the rhythm is there and I feel you brought some dopeness this week. Now, the concept is a little boring, I like the subtle flip with him being a non-christian and all, but it's not really that obvious to the reader until the very end, so that's something you could have worked on a bit more, but this was good too.Quote:
All the motion you see is as close as it seems
Emotions bleed within the film like they are composing a scene
v/Brandon, this is pretty damn close...assholes! Jon edges him in imagery, but the raw emotion, flow and overall presentation I feel goes to Brandon.
Dagel - You have been progressing each week, first with concepts, now your wording. Overall, I enjoyed the piece and the concept was cool. Leaning towards a typical He was...She was...then they get together, then made it just a fantasy or escape. Nice little flip there. As I said...the wording was much better than normal, however, there were certain lines where one word kinda hurt it, but I'm kinda stingy with that stuff...for example:
her eyes were mountains in the snow, so he must climb.
^Good imagery, but "so" seems it would've fit better with "that", but I see how your tried a internal, though/so, but that was lost anyway
His family put no one before Christ, so he lived in doubt,
So should be but because people who put Christ first, wouldn't live in doubt, so by putting "so" it's kind of contradictory, if you would be "but" it would exclude him from the rest of his family.
There are a few more like this, but it didn't really hurt your piece, but when facing someone such as Cry, Blacketh, or Brandon, every little thing counts, as they are always very sound with their wording.
Decent imagery, such as the eyes line. good Read. I enjoyed this, Your last full stanza had a nice scheme too. but other than that, your internals and multis missed, that's your next step to elevate even further.
Brandon - Decent read, but wow...you really underestimated your opponent I feel. Multis were cool, wording was good, but it didn't have your normal "wow"ness that it usually does. Instead I found myself just drifting through your lines, then I'd hit a Nice line, then it would go back to being sort of bland and generic for me. Concept was cool, an oldie-but-goodie, but I felt you could've addressed a certain issue here, and too us deep into that. but instead I felt this was just too broad and generic. Still a couple nice lines here:
See, if it comes to judgment, then I'm easily worried
Because I'm not the one to judge, I'm not even the jury
The subtleties draw me in since I've been meaning to find
A tree of life that won't break when I want to swing from the vines
I really felt Dagel had a good solid piece, but I expected Brandon to beat this with his usually killer wording and deep rooted emotion or outlook...however, I felt he missed both of those, maybe for the first time this season. So, Dagel's piece had me more interested and pulled me in.
Vote - Dagel...
yo waddup fools this and cry black seem to be the closest so imma give em some love...
yo DAG everyone be big uppin your piece in the chat and your winnin WTF you dropped a gem just for me like i asked? well see my nigga
She was hard to approach, so he'd blow it every time,
he always gave her a rose, but didn't know any lines.
His vibe had an awkward flow, though he moves just fine,
her eyes were mountains in the snow, so he must climb.
YO i liked the new rhyming here. your rhyming usually kinda sucks to be honest, it seems like you dont even attempt to make it complex, but this was a fresh way to make the flow nice. im calling this an ABAB scheme because you can shorten up the lines to where they end at each rhyme, and it would be like that. fresh shit.. mountains in the snow was very nice. not sure about the third line though. seemed lovey-dovey poetic but awkward is a clumsy word to throw into a stanza like that. regardless, last line was very nicely done and the mechanics are nice..
Quote:
All I had was just a vision,
All I had was my ambition
Your love without condition
Kept me swinging when I'm missing
these quotes were a nice tough, although nto your work work.. still a nice touch.. pretty original.. ill go back to them once i finish the piece to put them in context. if they fit well, youll get some points from the SOULMEISTER
He was deprived of life, blind to the world outside his house,
she always had to fight for the right just to put food in mouth.
the different internal schemes shined through here (deprive/blind/fight/right..) dont like how you eliminated the his in the second line so you didnt have to put his mouth/ his house in a row like that.. very very basic rhyme also..
His family put no one before Christ, so he lived in doubt,
how is there room in the sky for someone who can't get out?
good inner monologue type shit.. i think this coulda been executed much better, but still nice
Her parents paid for their addiction, in a new home everyday,
while he'd pray for the devil's bidding, and hope for heavy rain.
He’s always ready for pain, but she saves a place in his brain,
and he’s the only reason that the demons haven’t made her insane.
at this point in the piece, the story doesnt make crazy good sense to me.. but that doesnt matter because im breaking down the lines right now.. dope flow in this.. yo uswitched to the more traditional complex rhyme flow kinda thing..
School is their safe zone, where bone and flesh never tear,
together they skip stones, and take breaths to forever share.
A teenage love affair, forbidden by the laws under their roofs,
a game of truth or dare, where they break all of the rules.
the truth or dare imagery i didnt get as much from as i thought you would like, but i did get the overall image of a boy and a girl whispering to eachother.. not sure about breaking the rules of truth or dare, but the rules of their parents.. flow was nice here as well. way to step up the mechanics.
Quote:
Remember when we used to flow together back in the park
You would slang guitar licks under the stars in the dark
You'd say let's grow together as this world falls apart
I was holding on to hope but hardly holding a spark
CRY yourretard this wasnt dagels shit it was the mat kearney interstitals lmfao i just noticed he quoted that in his vote SO TO AVOID FURTHER CONFUSION... lolz
Two people with the same logic, dreaming for a balance,
when they are living the dream, it'll be together in a palace.
A king and queen, woke up and it never happened...
(When love was lost, they didn't bow heads in sadness;
instead, they kept their heads up high and gazed at the stars.
For that is where the doctor sent their broken hearts.)
dont need the parenthesis.. thats not even my opinion either. just no reason for them. the dream lines were decent, so far youve kind of went the way of passively describing emotions rather than telling an actual story.. well see how that sits with me once i read this piece over a bit more. flow was still pretty good here dude. probably most impressed with that, especially because i made that comment in the predictions about you having to tighten up your mechanics.
The childish schemes are over, they know there's no magic,
they're a couple years older, and their lives aren't so tragic.
He finally escaped, even became a successful business man,
she changed her name and does whatever she can.
man/can is a bleh rhyme.. the abab thing returned for the first two lines, niceness
His wife is beautiful, a wealthy Dutch model for his company,
her husband's funeral was held in a building just down the street.
ok i liked the way you set this up now, officially. the whole emotion describing then showing us the end. i like the passive/past tense storyline. cool, well executed.
Quote:
From the beginning we've been building much more than this art
Remember bearing scars in your car to impart your heart
You cared enough to call my bluff through the junk from the start
That's why you're holding onto half of my heart
And every night, they both think about the other's life,
while they cry, and stare at the stars in a diamond sky.
From their castle towers..
YO i love the ending and the wrapping up of the whole concepts. im still thinking about the significance of their castle towers, like this isnt medievil shit. imma get it though while im typing out my other thoughtz on this for sure. so the whole concept of two lovers who got it wrong so to speak still thinking about each other is just fucking dope to me. i dont think you executed it as well as it could have been, but thats because it couldve been executed like, fucking crazily. the flow was dope, but some parts of the piece were just skimmed over and the cocnept wasnt explored. the whole laws under their house, like you explored the family life a good amount, but i really thought you shouldve delved deeper into it. the whole parenthetical bit was cool, but what place where the doctor sends their broken hearts? by that imean, what is the significance of the doctor sending them somwhere? im givin u a stretch interpretation, imma guess that their hearts (love) died, so the metaphorical doctor declared them dead and sent em to heaven. so yo. niceness.. then the whole after the fact grown up shit shouldve been built upon more, definitely. that wouldve made the piece THAT much better. the girl was hardly covered, and the man was covered only a little. and the dead husband mention was.. interesting.. because it gives a dimension to the mans wife that shes kinda quick to replace men, yo, like her hubby died right near where the guy works. im giving that some significance in that the man married the new girl SOON after her husband passed.. so that gives her the kinda whatever about my husband mentality. which accentautes how much the woman cares about the man, swhy shes crying in her tower at ngiht yo. so that is that. uhhh. tbh i feel like u put towers in there just to fit in the picture, but the image of two people pleading to the gods and heavens and stars from their 'tower' (meta or not) is pretty cool.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BRANDON CEE yo
Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end
Or maybe it began
Before it here we go again
Heaven only knows what this man could amount to
I'm asking around, I'm trying to find the answers about 'truth'
See, if it comes to judgment, then I'm easily worried
Because I'm not the one to judge, I'm not even the jury
But that's me in the mirror speaking to these glass ceilings
mirro glass ceilings shiat was dope, and the significance of this line is just immense, way to pack a lot of meaning into one line through common phrasses and such.
And that feeling is chosen by anyone that's willing
To learn, I'm filling in the blanks and rebuilding the curve
Impaling nerves, numbing damage and then killing the curse
Now, I'm feeling like my hearse isn't as mobile as me
I'm hoping to breathe a new life, so that I can be sober and clean
All the motion you see is as close as it seems
Emotions bleed within the film like they are composing a scene
shoulda changed they are to they're woulda made the meter perfect lol.. just somethin i caught and imo of course.. it woulda made it better
I grow from things like I was molded by fiends
Given different roles until I'm playing one that's supporting the beams
Seem there's more than an ache, more than a state of mind
It's making life go uphill and I'm ignoring the climb
like that, the whole time solves all problems so fuck it.. typical mindstate of someone who prays to god once in a blue moon
Sometimes when we talking words
Get drowned out by the sound
Let's get back to touch and we'll get back on solid ground
Storing life in these hands while I'm denying my past
I'm lying, I'm crying and I'm trying harder to find me a path
too many internals actually, in the second line... but you didnt sacrifice the content.
Designing for the dance, but I've crashed into war
I hope they remember this facade was just a mask that I wore
niiiice couplet
It's fantastic, my morals reached an inch of importance
But they euthanize me because I was never really supported
Feeling deported, I went from empty to lost and alone
Boxed in, I want to find out how much it would cost to get home
It's probably wrong - but I have got to be strong
Just got to keep moving these bricks until the rubble is gone
YO the flow was just fire here, the transition from scheme to scfheme wasnt even bumpy to me at all. great shit
The subtleties draw me in since I've been meaning to find
A tree of life that won't break when I want to swing from the vines
It's coming down hard now - and when the lightning is lit
There's a heavy roar inside me that I kinda forget
forget/lit forced a bit. tree of life was niiice and the coming down hard bit was cool too
Said this dream is the truth, I couldn't try to resist
The strength hides within the gavel in the hand of the mightiest fist!
good imagery that relates back to the opener. the judge jury part. thats whay i felt anyways./
Make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Amen...or whatever. Thanks for the talk!
this was cool, but predicatble, like i said before, "typical mindstate of someone who prays once in a blue moon' so on second thought, not predicatble, but well set up. good foreshadowing.
so yo heres the thing. the concept itself is pretty bland, but the whole blue moon thing and foreshadowing thing that i mentioned like twice makes it a whole lot better.. the attrition of mankind. it reminds me of a piece i did a while back called hide and seek jesus. pray when you gotta pray, is what you shouldve injected into this as well. like, the prayer bit of someones personal strife was in there, but i think you couldve added in the attrition dimension with ease and made it like crazy. you and dagel had the same thing lolz.. there were a few fire lines, imma take em out to let u kno, and let myself know, when it comes time to select a winner.
But that's me in the mirror speaking to these glass ceilings
Emotions bleed within the film like they are composing a scene
I hope they remember this facade was just a mask that I wore
A tree of life that won't break when I want to swing from the vines
The strength hides within the gavel in the hand of the mightiest fist!
that was all very nice, and the part with the 'composing a scene' scheme was prob the best flowing bit all week. so yeah came correct on the flow point. the rest of the lines didnt really stand out like crazy for me.. some just carried the flow, some had cool concepts but nothing amazing.. idk heres the breakdown yo.
uhh.. i am a man of concept to be honest. like i dont start writing until i think of the DOPEST possible concept. dagel did well in this category.. brandon was ehiish.. dagel showed improvement in flow, but brandon killed the fuck out of it as usual
well do it this muthafuckin way..
CONCEPT
Dagel easily beats out bc for this. both couldve added something to make it better, but bc had to add a whole dimension to the concept itself, while dagel just had to throw in some more story.
ORIGINALITY
the prayer thing is done, yo. write a suicide piece while your at it LOL. nah just kiddin, thats harsh, but its still pretty played. thjis kind of love story by dagel isnt very played though. ill give it to him, just because of the end.
STORYLINE
Now i know both originality and storyline both go back to concept, but im just breakin down cocnept for ya.. so yo, dagel gets this for sure, i said why in those long ass breakdowns.. shouldve written more though. coulda SLAUGHTERED it.
FLOWIN
Dagels didnt suck this week so nice job. brandon takes this category because hsi flow is really really good all the time. dagel's not incredibly far behind, but hes still kinda.. far behind in this cat.
CONCEPTS WITHIN LINES (metaphors.. and such)
fuck it tie yo... maybe a very slight edge to brandon dagel had the mountain in her eyes line and t he whole double meaning (that i may have strtetched for him but ill give him the benefit of the doubt because sometimes i feel like i dont give him enough credit for the shit he sometiems put into his pieces) of the dead husband thing.. bbrandon had the quoted ones, but a bit of his lines just carried the flow.
EMOTION
idk neither of you had fantastic emotion. i mean, you did, but both pieces warranted great uses of emotoin. now brandons maybe not as much because the dude is praying not from his heart.. although he still has gotta pray.. tie for now because neither impressed me incredibly with their emotion
gotta read thse over again.
done.
okk.
switch up the emotion. dagel gets it. he evoked more from me in the end. i actually felt myself say... well thene.. wow.. very. very. well done.
like
wtf
i think im gonna vote for dagel
v/ dagel
into the semifinals of ss. honestly didnt see this coming at all. i wrote that long vote to justify to mysefl more than anybody else. very well done.. leaps and bounds beyond previous writtens of yours. brandon, still dope, but i think you underestimated him a bit. both couldve made huge improvements to the piece too.
also
dagel dont turn into don nelson. ha
dagel - definitely did bring an improvement and progression from past works. a good way to steer this topic and something i wouldnt have expected, so thats cool. lol @ dutch model first off. anyway, there were still a few minor wording and flow changes i would make to this.
this portion made this an awkward flow. just sounded weird to me.Quote:
His vibe had an awkward flow, though he moves just fine,
food in mouth? i understand unconventional wording that plays with language but this is just meh ..Quote:
she always had to fight for the right just to put food in mouth.
some lines i woulda just omitted a single word that made them odd sounding.
also, the picture at the end was sort of unnecessary. you didnt even elude to the 'castle tower' unless thats what you were talking about with the king and queen part. but either way shoulda just stuck with diamond sky and left that big ass pic out.
overall, pretty nice display of emotional story telling. still a few kinks i can see upon a few read throughs but nothing you cant fix up, obviously.
brando - the first disadvantage that weighs against you in my eyes is that you did not use the picture in a very unique or thought provoking manner. the prayer to god and the introspective rant following is sort of a basic formula if you know what i mean. maybe you were busy and just needed an idea, but this did not seem entirely inspired for me. but thats just the topic itself.
your writing was very well done. honestly i think mariah must have really been influenced by your writing .. or vice versa .. cuz yall flow, and the style in itself is very similar. for example, this week, neither of you wrote progressive plot-line pieces. just sort of reflective trains of thought that used different images to express deeper meaning. its abstract and it takes a close look to really break into, but once the surface is open its a rewarding read. you had some gems in here .. nothing honestly thats entirely worthy of quotes and specific analysis but definitely some ill shit, just know that.
fuck it
sick.Quote:
It's fantastic, my morals reached an inch of importance
But they euthanize me because I was never really supported
objectifying intangible bodies .. tree of life, bricks/rubble .. very niceQuote:
It's probably wrong - but I have got to be strong
Just got to keep moving these bricks until the rubble is gone
The subtleties draw me in since I've been meaning to find
A tree of life that won't break when I want to swing from the vines
honestly. i think your mechanics are way superior to dagels, but his content, for the most part just based on his direction as a whole, was much more enjoyable and interesting to read.
i think i have to go with ... dagel ... on this one. even though ive been sitting here going back and forth for 5 minutes. i came to the conclusion that he had more re-read value and just held me more captivated throughout. Brandon should have taken a different path that was a little more thought provoking, the imagery could not pull you through this one man. pulled the short straw in a sense.
v/ dagel.
keep doin it you guys,
1
I concede.
Dagel advances.