Air Sandwich

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e1...y-crop-420.jpg
Air Sandwich

Societies smell lingers threw the air
with a stinch of life's brewing troubles
fermenting in hell's kitchen.
Next to the melting pot.

As the family places orders of why.
Sipping desperation from the same bowl
and not wasting a drop from lips.

An appetiser of negativity served in hand
eaten so fast taste is never acquired.
As they slowly chew leftover reality,
literally swallowing their pride

Thoughts of when seem to be cooking
in earth's oven when the children order
survival for dessert.

Biting into what we call life hurts
thier sensitive teeth. All the
malabsorbtion and metabolic disorders
suits the children in marasmus,
from a lack of the chef's understanding.

Stomach full of another's greed.
The father passes his scraps of hatred
to his predecessor who's belly bubbles
for respect.

The son places them in between two
slices of redemption and begins to split
the sandwich into pieces

Their heads full with dreams of having.
something more than enough for nothing.
Eying an air sandwich in despair
wishing something was there other than
emptiness.

Cleaning their hands on rags of tribulations
after chomping life to the bone.
Their souls lie malnourished.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ts-360044.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...fe-359752.html

links added..ups over all..

I glanced over this when you posted in I.E, and apart from in there where you can get some negativity for not trying to expand the lengths of the norm is really only one of very few small problems with this piece. the other little thing i would point out (just for some constructive critisism..cuz who doesnt need it) is that sometimes it seemed you tried to be to procise with your wording, which is great but in certain parts it would just flow n fit better if you were to maybe cut out some ands, an...(not saying you used those words specifically) but just words that are bulking but hold no leverage in allowing the reader to really get there own feel.....other than that this piece depicts the photo well, you really tied there lack of food n using food/eating as a metaphore....to there everday life. which i felt really incorporated a lot of emotion but also added depth and something more to fall back on than just a storyline...overall i thought you executed the story very well...and apart from having no major twist or nething..you displayed emotion and a very poweful message..which in my eyes is much more rewarding!...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nsight

An appetiser of negativity served in hand
eaten so fast taste is never acquired.
As they slowly chew leftover reality,
literally swallowing their pride

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^^My favorite overall stanza..just read well, and displayed a nice message

Keep up!

(and thanks for the feed)

word thanks..for the nice feed..I just re-read it and got what you were talking about..but it's crazy cause I was thinking the same thing..trying to keep it grammaticly correct...I feel you though..

ups...feed me pps.

Upage.