~A Fathers Love

~A Fathers Love


My life is meaningless removed of her
She’s the relentless drummer in my chest
The very reason I remain alive in the flesh
My story was over before hers’ ever begun
Ruined much like modern victims of guns
Alone she removed that dark massed callus
Shrouding the malice etched on my heart
Detailed from ‘mine eye’s’ to this impart
She is truly the only reason I’m here today

Violence bred my blatant non compliance
Defiance fueled my rage that offered assuage
From the torment life played on all my days
In so many ways, from ghettos to meadows
Not the picturesque but the grotesque mess
Of slain friends drowned in pools of blood
Weighted grains created far more than stains
Outlined in chalk, hence the limp in my walk &
The tears when I talk of the kills on my block

Tragedy viscously struck from all directions
My life the intersection of pure transgression
Before her I caught heat from Smith & Wesson
Damaged meat, now I’m immersed in blessings
The innocence in her stare, flares my emotion &
Solidifies my devotion to HER forward motion
My own childhood was light years from good
Misunderstood by society my being withstood
Onslaughts of have-nots & situation bullets shot

Witness of teenage genocide when streets collide
God knows I tried to save lives of nameless few
Ending in mass tears agony cries in random pews
Amused by fear all knew my own death was near
For my own wounds I never did shed a salty tear
Countless beat downs by the hounds of Babylon
Shunned from the place of eternal rest in Avalon
Alone in this life well saturated in pain and strife
Wore down by the abrasive kiss of ghetto schleif

Like an angel sent from heaven into battle she rode
A bundle of pure joy crossed my path & took hold
Transforming a heart of coal into a dazzling gem
No longer do I bleed in the deep chambers of men
Rebuilt what never was, ceased by the lack of love
She soared in on the swift wings of a heavenly dove
Cleansed me of a gelid past and allowed me to last
I remember the day we meet, her covered in blood
A flood of emotion set in overwhelming this stud

Who is she you ask? My life, my Destinie……….....
……………………………...............…my reason to live

I will always love you mija, as a father I found my peace…

this was very good...the first stanza was a lil weak...good intro though...nice elevating progression of emotion, complexity, and syllables per line...even though all the lines were the same visual length...very nice effect...very genuine work...very asthetically pleasing work....your vocab(im not really sure why this is so often critiqued) was very well used...you used several intermediate and several advanced words...simple enough for the average reader to understand the message extremely cleary...and you threw in those extra coupel of words that readers such as myself will enjoy the understanding of, knowing that most will not without the aid of a dictionary...this was an exceptional piece Bonce....one of the best all around poems I've seen on this site....everything was above average...i still think the start was a lil shaky...but that may just be because of the lower syllable count, and it seemed a lil choppy...i mean choppy by your standards..like one syllable, maybe two was off...but im sure that's just because of the way i read it....i've only read it once, im sure that when i read it again, ill be driven to withdraw my criticism...well...I've rambled on long enough...God Bless your daughter and your family...and you of course...I guess that's it...o almost forgot....

10/10
9.8/10 (Sublime Scale) [I just had to ruin the perfect ten for you...lol]

One...

and we get a deeper look into the life of bounce, by a beatifuly written poem. but no really i thought this was exceptional in all standards, but it was real and personal with so much emotion in it that it makes me smile. i know the joy and love and the heaven children bring to a parent, and im so happy that you have this love to live for. i cant really critique the piece much coz the love and message in it is very overwhelming to me right now. All i can say is god bless you and your little mija, i hope you two have millions and millons more happy times together. dont ever forget to pray for her.

T
True Love

Thanks you guy's this one really took alot out of me, so I appreciate that so far you are feeling what I tried to convey here. This all flowed out of me in one emotion filled instant. I never stopped to clean it up so to speak. This is what you are seeing Sublime, I never did adjust lines or compensate for count. This was the end product of looking at a picture of my daughter in my office after processing imagery we picked up out of the Sudan. I seen the twisted and torched remains of christian children that were killed in that regions on going ethnic cleansing. Then I was tasked with sifting through some of the imagery coming out of the russian school take over. It made me stop and think about my own daughter. I keyed this in from my office in an emotional rush. So it's raw.

yeah i was afraid to criticize it really...cause i was afraid i was misinterpreting your scheme....

Pure emotion flooding out. Beatutiful feelings and at the same time a sense of depression. This sounded like it came from the heart. This is hard to critique as I don't know what you meant to do on purpose and what is a "mistake". I don't like pointing out mistakes in poetry pieces, especially ones like this where the heart and soul is poured out. So I'll levae you with this. This was an exceptional piece. It displayed true emotions, and was put out with out too much thought on useless areas such as structure and stuff. I believe that is the beauty of poetry. Much respect Bounce.


If you have time http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144696

bouce i love you for being there for your daughter...i wish you were my babys daddy :hump:

oh wait im a man....*runs out of the thread yelling dope poem*

Real good work, man...

Excellent.

Though, your rhyme schemes and flow ALWAYS seem to fuck with me...
I just, mentally, can't grasp your beat, don't think I ever have.
Cept when I heard your audio.

Anyway, mi amigo...
From papa to papa...

This was from the heart and I felt it, man.

I'm not gonna dwell too much more, everything you stated, all you portrayed...

Is/was...mirrored in me.

I love my daughter too.

Peace

A wonderous whirlwind of fatherly love and emotion. this peice along with BTK's peice about his little girl, they're both aw inspring to me. it shows not only that you love her with absolutly every fiber of your being, but it also shows that you would give her the world if you were given a first chance. that is truely a good father. SHows tons and tons of love. and its awsome that you can put that in such a great poetic form..... i think that you truely did a wounderful job not only describing emotion. but putting it in a structure that has the same length, but different syllable counts..... that was truely something done to the beat of a single drummer........

............fav part............

Like an angel sent from heaven into battle she rode
A bundle of pure joy crossed my path & took hold
Transforming a heart of coal into a dazzling gem
No longer do I bleed in the deep chambers of men
Rebuilt what never was, ceased by the lack of love
She soared in on the swift wings of a heavenly dove
Cleansed me of a gelid past and allowed me to last
I remember the day we meet, her covered in blood
A flood of emotion set in overwhelming this stud


keep droppin


....bless

This poem was... deep as shit. Emotionally, structure... overwhelming, it was amazing. I'm so happy for your daughter having a loving and caring father to look down on her forever always... good job man.